Won’t you be hot in that? Aibu to think don’t ask someone this?

@ComeAlongPeggy

I am also careful that if I’m with more than one person, saying “wow you look amazing” to one person makes it very obvious that you’re not complimenting the second person.

Yeah this. ^ DH and I have been on diets together a few times over the years (have both struggled with our weight over the years,) and annoyingly DH's weight always drops off much quicker than mine. It's actually soul destroying. I get so sick and tired of it. So much so that I refuse to diet with him now.

I was going to go on a diet the other week, and he said 'I'll go on it with you.' And I said (a few days later) 'er I can't be bothered to diet right now.' And I didn't. Neither did he. I will probably stealthily go on one, and just gradually eat less.

tl;dr As I said, when me and DH are on a diet together, he loses weight much quicker than me, like 2 and a half stone in four months - to my one stone in that same time. Every other person we see (that we haven't seen for a few months) says 'ooh Mr Sabre, you've lost weight, you're looking good.' He puffs his chest out as he is so pleased people have noticed. And I think 'what the fuck am I? Chopped liver?!' I have lost a stone, and have done well to lose a stone, and yet everyone just compliments him.

🙄

In the words of Stephen Fry:
"It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.' As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more... than a whine. 'I find that offensive.' It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.' Well, so fucking what."

It’s not rude. That’s why people can’t see it. It’s a “you” problem.

I personally don’t ask people what they’re having for tea because I don’t care nor is it my business. I don’t ask people about their meals period because again, none of my business. Same with their clothing choices

I agree, OP. I'm not overweight, but I hate my arms now I'm older and I don't like people commenting on my choice of sleeve length.

I'm sure any etiquette expert would say...where clothes are concerned, don't say anything if it's not a compliment.

It really winds me up that a) people come out with these inane remarks and b) how on earth does it affect them? They just busy-bodies!

But how does that in any way affect the person commenting? It's none of their business!

YANBU - I'm another one with SH scars on my arm and I always wear long-sleeves.

I hate it when people say things like that... It's so rude and I don't understand how people can't see that. I would never think to comment on someone's appearance like that. And it's completely not just making a simple comment on the weather - that would be something like, "Phew it's warm today.", rather than making it personal.

What I said was "I reserve the right" @willWillSmithsmith that would depend on the vicar and the old lady....remember I am an "old lady" myself 😎

I’m so glad you picked that question as your example.

I intermittent fast so often don’t eat an evening meal. It’s not weight related but I’m pre-diabetic and when I say I’m not eating tea, there is an inevitable next question of ‘why’ when I’m clearly not overweight or trying to lose weight… Why do you think it’s okay to assume I eat a certain way based on your own personal feelings about food? You’d be forcing me to lie or lead into a conversation about my medical history that I might want to share.

I’m also a very picky eater and so I hate answering questions about what I’m planning to eat. So you would have offended me WAY more by asking that question than if I was hot in what I was wearing. But I know that’s a me thing and so due to my resilience, I’m not asking everyone to be more sensitive when asking a question that would be benign to most of the world…

And I know those things about my friends - because I ask those questions and they choose to share or they don’t (also, I don’t just speak to ‘close friends’, I interact with a whole range of people from stranger to acquaintance to friend to family).

The only ime I commented on what someone was wearing was when DH and I took some American visitors to York for the day. When we picked them up from the hotel the wife was wearing very high heels. I gently suggested that she might want to wear something more comfortable on her feet as we would be doing a lot of walking, and not all of it on flat pavements.

She said that she was used to wearing heels all the time, so I didn't say anything else.

I get irritated by this too...I dont like wearing socks...even in the middle of winter i will be barefoot if possible....the amount of stupid comments i get telling me my feet must be freezing is unreal....its gets tedious and tiresome after a while.

I hadn’t thought about the dangers of that question! Thanks for bringing to my attention, I’m going to need a notebook to keep track of what’s okay to say and what isn’t!

EVERYTHING has the potential to be triggering. And all of those examples have more chance of upsetting me than something as trivial as comment about the clothes I chose to put on that morning, which is something I can change if I take the comment to heart. I’m hardly walking round telling my friends they have ugly noses. I’m caring about their wellbeing.

We’re all different aren’t we on what we find annoying, upsetting, or your words “triggering”.

If you’re close friends with someone, wouldn’t you already know most of the answers to those examples.

Asking what someone is having for tea, is also not the same as asking someone about why they are wearing xyz because you think they should feel and dress a certain way due to your own personal feelings about the weather. It isn’t hard to distinguish the difference.

So if you were chatting with a vicar at a wedding you’d say it? If a little old lady at the bus stop said it you’d say it? No you wouldn’t.

Good to know @godmum56.

Would you actually say that to someone (anyone) who asked if you’d be hot in that? Really?

If they were saying "aren't you hot in that?" "shouldn't you be wearing something else" "won't you be cold?" "what will you do if it rains?" and similar crap then yes. I reserve the right to speak like a resilient person!

@DaisyHaites I got into trouble the other day asking an acquaintance what she was reading. I was informed that she doesn't have time to read, and she can't afford books. I did want to mention libraries, but I decided to let it pass, and slunk guiltily away because I do have time to read a bit.

Okay so no comments about appearance.

Can I ask how your family are doing? Because what if they’re not doing well and it’s triggering, or you’ve had a fall out with them that you don’t want to talk about.

Can I ask what you did at the weekend? What if you were so depressed you didn’t get out of bed and are ashamed about that.

Oh, maybe where you’re going on holiday. But oh no - there’s a cost of living crisis and what if they can’t afford to go away and now I’ve upset them by reminding them.

I could ask what’s for tea tonight, but that’d be commenting on eating habits so that’s best avoided.

Maybe I’ll ask about work… but if someone had been put at notice of redundancy then they won’t want to ruin the day talking about that.

EVERYTHING has the potential to be triggering. And all of those examples have more chance of upsetting me than something as trivial as comment about the clothes I chose to put on that morning, which is something I can change if I take the comment to heart. I’m hardly walking round telling my friends they have ugly noses. I’m caring about their wellbeing.

So is it just personal appearance? eating habits have also been mentioned on this thread. Just so I know, what is weirdly and arbitrarily out of bounds too? I assume politics, religion and money… anything else?’

And "won't you be too hot/cold in that?" is neither negative nor inappropriate nor personal actually. It's a perfectly normal question about clothes and the weather.

As I've said I don't know how many times, if their stupid choices affect me I will make comments or ask questions about their choice of clothing. People do it for me as well and I just answer.

They're not, but that doesn't mean you can make negative or inappropriate comments about their choice of clothing.

Well, yes, ideally. The fact is that people are not perfect unfortunately.

Well, maybe you need to find friends who can dress themselves appropriately then.