To hire a private investigator to follow my ex?

He has you exactly where he wants you all, at his beck and call and under his terms. I’d put an end to the long phone calls, just short sharp texts as to when he can take the children out. I don’t believe the bullshit about lack of money. He could easily take them to the park with a ball or make a picnic to take. You don’t need money to take kids anywhere.
He’s got everything he wants, a single life on his own where he has zero responsibilities (apart from maintainence for the children), his ex wife dangling on a string, waiting for every crumb that he might throw her way. OP you are never ever going to have ‘closure’ or move on all the while you are being dictated to by him. It’s time you cut the string and get on with YOUR life without him in it. You can’t do this all the while you are allowing him to do the things he’s doing.

Why do you want this marriage back op? This prick has made up mental health issues left you to take care of 4 (four!!!!) children alone for 18 months, but had time to complete a PhD. If his mental state is good enough to do a PhD it's good enough to take care of his kids.

The audacity. Divorce and get joint custody so he actually has to take care of his kids half of the time.

I think you don't have closure because you haven't closed anything. He has got exactly what he wanted - you running around as wife and kids, with his financial and sexual freedom.

You really need to cut him back. You are divorced. You presumably now own / rent yourself the house you live in and it is not his space?

Stop him being in the house. 15yr old might get angry - but they should turn that anger to their dad.

Contact CMS get an accurate calculation. This will also enable you to see whether he is taking you for a ride or not. He isn't showing his p60 as he's lying.

Get yourself and perhaps your 15yr old some counselling. I'm going to guess your 15yr old is male? And you're showing him men can rule relationships and women must submit... how is that impacting your daughters?

Rather than focusing your energies on a PI and what he's not telling you - you need to move on and do what is right for you and your kids.

Good luck - he clearly has you in a very downtrodden place. But you can rise above it.

This will drive you insane.

You're not together anymore, if he does have a woman, that's his business, surely.

Move on. Talk of a private investigator is absolutely insane. The man is doing nothing wrong.

Having just read your latest update, have the children or you ever been to the studio apartment?

Does he even do things with them that don't cost money like a walk, cycle, to visit family, even for an ice cream isn't much, to the park for a kick around? It does sound like it's the responsibility of parenting he wanted to check out of. When he's at yours at the weekend, does he spend time with them and look after them - play games, wash their clothes, tidy up after them etc?

Sounds like your fifteen year old could do with some counselling. They need to understand their dad chose to leave the family home and split from you. You don't need to facilitate them seeing him and spending time together and that's his issue to resolve and for you to be able to move on you need to stop him staying over. I don't see how he couldn't get a blow up double bed at his for one of the kids to share even in the livingroom and one on the couch. I'm guessing the eldest doesn't want to stay over but if they did two could share a bed and he could take the couch. There's solution's if he wants to spend time with his children. He just seems to be making excuses not to find them as its easier to have his cake and eat it.

You need to move on now and heal and live your life not be stuck in this limbo and the only way that will happen is to cut contact and separate your children's relationship with him away from you.

The issue here is there are no boundaries from anyone and that’s stopping everyone from living. I don’t see how a PI will help that.

you are divorced. He needs to stop coming to the house, you need to stop chatting on the phone. The children need to see those boundaries in place because it must be very confusing for them.

Child maintenance only take an admin fee if they have to take the money directly from his wages because he's refusing to pay. I'm a few years out of date but it was £20 to set up a claim when I did it. One off payment. Every single year my ex lies about his income and child maintenance check with HMRC and up his payments. He's taking the piss. Go through CMS

I haven’t ever heard of losing weight AND starting to dress more smartly/be secretive about your phone being indicative of mental illness.

I bet the masters helped him get on further with his career which is why he doesn’t want you to go through CSA as you’d find out what he really earns!

I don’t believe he can’t afford to take the children out. It’s obviously much more convenient to sit in your comfortable home and eat your food.

I'd be tempted to go out when he comes round to see the children if he really refuses to take them out. Absolutely cancel the overnight stays. Stop the phone calls. He doesn’t have the right to keep you have you there at his convenience.

I know you’re distraught but you need to find your anger. He’s taking the piss.

I also think therapy would be a much better investment than a PI.

Hi op

I'm sorry you have had to go through this. It had a very similar situation 15 years ago. I posted on here about hiring a PI as the need to know was eating me up. As with your post - the advice on here was to get your own closure and whilst I do think that's good advice, it's easier said than done. I was obsessed with knowing the truth and that closure really only comes with time, when you don't care as much.

I did hire a PI in the end but there were endless complications Ie there were 2 exit doors from his work so they needed an extra person at the other one. I couldn't afford much so it was really only for 1 day. It's v expensive. They couldn't even see him leaving work (I didn't know where he was staying at the time as he wouldn't tell me) . The PI obviously tried to encourage me to hand over more money so they could do it over a longer period of time, but I didn't have the money.

I look back now and it seemed like the right thing to do as it was eating me up inside.. however all I did was lost the money, was no clearer and my obsession with the truth subsided over time. He's still a complete arse today.

I totally understand how you feel but I would say don't waste your money. As others have said, you wouldn't know what was happening 18 months ago which is the time that bothers you the most. Anything that was going on then could be long over by now.

Where is the part where op has said no to her husband’s requests to get back together - I think I’ve missed that?

Why are you encouraging/entertaining the visits and long phone calls? Do you want the relationship to be over or not? I agree with the others, hiring a PI and finding out if he's seeing someone else or not, won't actually bring closure. If anything it's just going to add salt to an already open wound.
If you want to leave the door open for him to return, that's up to you... but do you want to be handing around for possibly years waiting for something that might never happen? Personally, I'd say seek counselling/therapy for yourself and end the relationship completely (well as much as you can with children).

Why are you continuing to give him so much of your time with the phone calls and weekends when he wasn't willing yo consider you or your family just himself. I actually read a book like this called The break by Marian Keyes.

Do what you need to do if you think it will help you move on but I think it sounds like he couldn't be arsed parenting four children and removed himself for an easier life but still checks in and uses you on the side.

If a man hired one he’d be a LTB same with you

You may discover he’s currently lying about seeing someone. It’s unlikely to tell you anything about the past.

You may also discover your mentally ill ex-husband is just - mentally ill and never wanted his marriage to end and is continuing to work on recovering his marriage.

You are stringing him along by continuing hours long conversations and having him stay over. How is he meant to move on when he tells you he wants to be together and you say no - but then continue as if you sort of might be?

Make it clear to him your marriage is over by moving on yourself. You ended the marriage - it’s on you to be unambiguous about the fact that it is over.

BTW I’m not arguing you shouldn’t have ended the marriage - just that I think you have the power here and are giving him mixed signals that maybe things aren’t as over as the divorce suggests.

Some exes can have this sort of really close friends relationship (especially with kids together), many can’t. And when one is wanting to continue the relationship - it does not work.

It's also quite possible the "mental health" issues he wants to sort out on his own (suspiciously!) involve exploring some sexual fetish, or cross-dressing, etc.

Just read about CSA. You really do need to stop taking everything he says as gospel.

They say the truth will set you free but in my experience it can also hurt you very deeply.

as others have said, you need to set some firm - much much firmer - boundaries. You are merely prolonging the agony.

this man is not your friend - as he has proved very clearly over the last 18 months.

I really feel for you OP. It sounds like you’re not likely to get any closure though. What would it take for you to believe there was another person in his life? Or to conversely be convinced there wasn’t?

An alternative point of view is that he really is struggling mentally, and has been masking for a long time. How many people do we hear of where close relatives have died by suicide without showing their nearest and dearest any red flags? Maybe try believing it’s his mental health and asking what support he needs for these issues.

Either way, well done for standing up for yourself and not being made to hang around while he doesn’t communicate effectively with you.

I mean, far play to you for saying "NO, you can't just piss off for 2 months to Lord knows where, and leave me juggling everything on my own."

Then you made the perfectly reasonable decision to divorce him. With that, you have to be done with him. He's now a single man, and if he has/wants to have someone else, that's really none of your business. But I can understand, that considering he was the one to throw a bomb into your life, it can be hard to let it go.

As for the "breadcrumbing", you're doing the same right back. Having him sleep over, talking on the phone for hours. Just... stop.

Like others have said, get a proper custody arrangement sorted if that's required, with or without maintenance as required, and get on with your life.

So sorry for what you're going through OP.

It sounds to me like he's hiding something significant - could it be another man..? Or a very young girl? Do you have any gut feeling?

Sorry to suggest the worst but unfortunately experience of psychopath exes makes me think this way.

He's certainly selfish and untrustworthy and that's grounds enough for divorce BUT I agree with PPs that it's unrealistic for people to post here saying "move on" - after all those years and kids, you deserve the truth. You may not get it though. I wouldn't hire a PI but the truth is I would do my own deep digging. It's only by doing that that I liberated myself from a horrendous lying psychopath in the past.

Please don't tell your kids he left because he wasn't happy with you. It's not a healthy perspective for them or you and doesn't sound like that's the case. There's nothing wrong with you - you're holding everything together and the children rely on knowing that everything is fine with you and them and their home. Maybe tell them he left because he's not happy with himself, and it absolutely no one else's fault.

OP I would bet my house from what you have written there is at least one other woman involved here somewhere. He probably does still love you on some level after 20 years together but he is hedging his bets. You need to cut him off as far as you can, it’s the only way you will save your own sanity. Fuck him.

How convenient for him.
This would be a deal breaker actually for me. His issues are bad enough to leave his family but not bad enough to seek help from professionals.

I call bull shit.

He's stringing you along and it's up to you to cut the string.

You say you filed or divorce. Did the divorce actually get finalised with clean break ?

If yes, there is no point getting a PI because he may have another partner and he’s allowed.

If you’re not yet divorced, it’s still a long time away from you and he may have someone else so still no point in PI. What would you achieve other than fuelling your anxiety / anger and stopping yourself from moving on.

What ages are your children? Are you claiming CMS ?
Can’t you just tell them the truth ?

He didn’t leave due to a problem with you !
It’s a problem with himself !
You are taking the blame for him moving out and your kids may hold this against you in years to come.

No PI.
Just block him.
Give him an email address to contact you on for child contact only and the rest of the time ignore him.
Stop giving him access to your home.
Acknowledge to yourself that you deserve so much better and the man you married is long gone.
He is bread crumbing you but you are allowing it to happen.

Personally I don't see an issue with you hiring a PI to spy on him after the way he's treated you. However, the level of monitoring you'd need to find out what you want to know would be very expensive. It's not just a case of someone checking up on him like making sure he works where he says he does, you'd need someone to actually trail him for a while to see where he goes and what he does. I looked into it once for a friend in an abusive relationship and quickly discovered that it just wasn't going to be worth it. I agree with PPs that your money would be better spent on counselling for yourself.

Stop the phone calls, stop the visits. Get some distance between you.