To think 9pm is too early to go to bed..

He probably has nutritional deficiencies, especially vitamin D if he isn't taking a supplement. Would be good to get blood tests, but if he won't go the the GP then at least a high dose vit D and a multivitamin.

My DH sleeps most of the weekend, which is the only time I see him, but he works 60+ hours and gets about 6 hours sleep a night during the week (lorry driver).
We do stay up late at weekends though as it's the only time we get together, so 2am isn't unusual, but we have teens so can have a lie in!

I should add, that I mean 8 hours apparently asleep - not reading, etc.

A GP will tell you that an adult needs between 8 and 9 hours sleep. If he knows he's to get uo at 6am then it's easy maths to deduct 8 or 9 hours from that. The time he SHOULD be going to sleep is 9pm!
He's basically doing the healthy and right thing to do. Most people go to bed and spend half an hour reading a book...or scrolling their phone in your husbands case. I've I've same job as your husband and hours and I go to bed at 9pm. On the days I'm not working I stay up to 11pm but I won't be up before 8am.

He's got the right idea - it sounds like he has healthy sleep habits.

I wear a sleep tracker and even if I am in bed for 8 hours, I am actually awake for about an hour of that time - I mostly don't remember that I have been awake - so 8 hours in bed is approx 7 hours sleep. I'm not weird - this is typical of the human sleep cycle.

So, if you want 8 hours sleep, you need to be in bed for 9 hours and so on.

It is worth reading/listening to Matthew Walkers book - Why We Sleep - we don't tend to know that we are chronically sleep deprived. You might think you are optimising time by managing on less sleep, but it is probably the opposite, as there is a lot of evidence that lack of sleep shortens your life and impacts your health (and a link with dementia, so even if your life is still long, quality of life could be poor).

I only had 5 hours sleep last night, so I am definitely not a perfect example of how to sleep, but it is worth understanding how important it is.

What is the quality of his sleep like? Does he snore or have sleep apnea?

I tend to wake early at 5am so make sure I am in bed by 9.30am, asleep by 10pm which gives me 7 hours sleep.

Think it actually seems really sensible! Sleep is so vital to overall health. Know it’s not the same, but DH and I were working opposite shifts for a long time and barely saw each other bar weekends. I could’ve stayed up to hang out together a bit, but bed at 9.30/10 was too important, especially with DC not always sleeping through. DH gets lie ins and I get early bedtime, whatever works for you both!

Have your shower when he is in bed, spend that 45 mins together

get him to eat proper food at proper meal times, for at least a month, and see what that does.

worth getting his bloods done at the Drs to see what months of not eating properly have done to his iron and vitamin levels.

get him a daily A to Z vitamin tablet.

use your common sense as this has been the obvious solution, at least to me :)

I’m up about 6:30 every morning and 10pm is late for me. Normally it’s 9, 9:30 and once or twice a week it will be earlier. I get really tired. I’m ASD which might contribute to my exhaustion. Always been the same!

Me and my DP get into bed at 9 and get up at 6 everyday.

I always go at 9pm and I'm usually asleep within ten minutes. Wake around 6.30am.
52, no young DC. Work pt. I feel physically ill the next day if I stay up much later.

I always thought that I needed 9-10 hours of sleep to function.

But it turns out I was anaemic (for who knows how long until it got so bad it was checked and fixed).

Now I go to sleep by 10 (in bed from 9, but I'm single, so I just head to my room when the kids are asleep so I'm not distracting them), and wake up at 4:30 feeling fine.

It would be worth him getting checked if he's this tired all the time.

Adult humans typically need between 7-9 hours sleep to be fully refreshed. It just sounds like he is at the 9 end of the spectrum.

I voted YABU because I need 9 hours sleep these days.

But grumpiness and falling asleep on the sofa would both wind me up if regular occurrences and YANBU about that.

If he's up at 6 and busy on his feet all day, I doubt he needs to see the GP about a need to go to bed at 9 p.m. It sounds pretty normal to me, although can see why it leaves you feeling you've not had enough time together.
I think it's just some people's body clock and natural preference. I get up really early (usually well before 6) and go to bed whenever I want to, be that 8, 9, 10 or whatever. I live alone though so don't have to take someone else into account, which would make it different I guess.

We're in bed by about half 8 most week nights. I read, DP goes on his phone a bit. We both like being in bed. Never awake past 10ish normally. Unless we go to bed to watch something. We're both up at 6am too. I have RA and chronic fatigue and bed is my favourite place.

YABU. 2 years old is also a knackering age. Does your DD sleep through the night?

I haven’t gone to bed past 9pm since having my kids as i don’t get any sleep and have to be up early with them. Yeah it means I don’t have any life but i need the sleep. My youngest is 5 months old and i currently go to bed at 8.

It's a normal go to bed time in our household which starts waking for work from 5am onwards then me then kids

I've always needed a lot of sleep. Regularly jump onto bed at 8pm or 9pm if I can.

Im like your DH. A lark that wakes up naturally around 6am sometimes earlier in the summer. I can quite easily be in bed by 9 but usually go to sleep between 9 30 and 10. Might stay up a bit later at the weekend but very rarely stay up past 11.
My DH is the complete opposite, he has been a total night owl all his life and Will potter about tinkering and fixing things until gone 2am 🤣 his day doesn't start until 10am. we are all different

Ahh just seen above if he isn't eating properly then this will be why he's knackered

I'm a night owl but if on early shift at work I will manage on 5 hours sleep
Everyone is different

If you want the extra time together have a 10 minute shower instead then go relax in bed together for a while

Totally agree with the first paragraph here, seems odd that you're taking yourself off for 45 mins in his awake hours and then complaining you're not getting enough time together

Has he always needed 9 hrs sleep or is that new?

If something's changed, he should go to his GP. Never ignore unexplained tiredness.

I got more and more tired a couple of years ago, until I fell asleep on the sofa at 6.30 pm, before cooking ds' supper. Went to gp and was diagnosed with breast cancer. Silly really, I should have realised earlier that something was wrong.

My health when I was a retail manager was shocking. It's also very stressful. Thing is, it was really well paid, with good promotion prospects, so I stayed longer than I should have. It's a pretty toxic environment.
Having my DD and being forced out was ultimately the best thing that could have happened to me.

He skips breakfast and lunch?! I’d be passed out by 3pm!! He needs to eat regular healthy meals if he has an active job.