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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would date a guy who...

131 replies

NCMD · 10/05/2024 21:00

  • Has visited a brothel in the past and paid for services?
  • Does recreational drugs with friends every few months (weed, MDMA, mushrooms, coke)
  • Has a cross dressing fetish?

Interested to hear others thoughts on the above points to help me move on from being dumped by this guy.

YABU - Yes. I'd date him.
YANBU - No. You've dodged a bullet.

OP posts:
5128gap · 13/05/2024 09:57

NCMD · 13/05/2024 09:47

Really struggling today. I know I should feel relieved I'm out of it but feeling very low. Seen he is already following new girls online and feeling pretty worthless that even a guy like him didn't want me.

A guy like him not wanting you says nothing about your value as a person. He doesn't want anyone in the worthwhile sense of the word. He is focused on his own gratification, pushing boundaries in all directions for kicks. It wouldn't matter who he was with, he'd still be trotting off after the next thrill. He isn't partner material OP.

Original poster
NCMD · 13/05/2024 09:47

Really struggling today. I know I should feel relieved I'm out of it but feeling very low. Seen he is already following new girls online and feeling pretty worthless that even a guy like him didn't want me.

OP posts:
nikki1391 · 11/05/2024 20:03

I don’t even need to get to the second bullet point
No !

Malo05 · 11/05/2024 20:01

Never mind OP least your knicker drawer is safe now

Crrt82 · 11/05/2024 19:58

He sounds like an utter cretin. YANBU!!!

DilemmaDelilah · 11/05/2024 12:09

No I wouldn't. However, having said that, I did date someone was addicted to smoking heroin and who was an alcoholic. I didn't know until we got together, he was very good company, we didn't live together or share finances and I didn't subsidise his lifestyle in any way. That was a long time ago before I met my DH.

Chickychoccyegg · 11/05/2024 12:03

I'd be a definite NO on all of them, I'd find them all a big turn off, but each to their own.

shieldmaiden7 · 11/05/2024 12:01

No I wouldn't

ISeeTheLight · 11/05/2024 12:00

BitOutOfPractice · 11/05/2024 07:21

@ISeeTheLight I’m trying to think of a country where all of those drugs are legal.

I did say depending on the drug and how often they used. Some of those would be a no from me.

usernother · 11/05/2024 10:07

He sounds like a catch OP, but I'd run like a mile for even one of the reasons.

jeaux90 · 11/05/2024 09:52

Thing is OP we have been indoctrinating people into "being kind" which I think is actually eroding boundaries.

I think Be Kind is middle class for STFU so no, there is not being kind to a drug taking misogynist with a fetish.

No thanks. Bullet dodged. .

daisychain01 · 11/05/2024 09:48

noworklifebalance · 10/05/2024 21:05

I mean this in the nicest possible way… but the F is wrong with you?!! Just look at the list you have written - no need to ask randoms on the internet

I often wonder about the ability for people to be independent thinkers when they need to ask for others' opinions about something that is so blatantly obvious - if it was individually I could understand it, but all 3 together, really??

"if it was a bear it would have bitten you on the arse" springs to mind.

Immemorialelms · 11/05/2024 09:47

I've been with a man who paid for a dominatrix to do stuff to him a couple of times but to me that's different to a brothel. Similarly, there's a difference between e.g. being dressed as a sissy maid as part of a power game and wanting to wear full drag - there's different kinds of kink, and full on misogyny out there and I feel like I know it when I see it.

Drugs I have no opinion about really but would wonder if it made the person too boring or escapist.

Bearpawk · 11/05/2024 09:47

Middle one wouldn't bother me, apart from the cocaine.
Brothel would and so would the cross dressing if it was a fetish rather than just feeling comfy in a dress.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 11/05/2024 09:45

If you have to even ask about one of these then it’s not looking good…

Maray1967 · 11/05/2024 09:44

betterangels · 10/05/2024 21:03

Easiest no ever.

Agreed. No to any drug use - never mind the rest.

mrlistersgelfbride · 11/05/2024 09:43

All of them together? Not a chance.

One from the list? Probably. The worst is going to brothels. Cross dressing or the occasional joint wouldn't bother me.

Nicebloomers · 11/05/2024 09:42

At least he’s being upfront about things lol

But no.

OligoN · 11/05/2024 09:40

NCMD · 11/05/2024 07:16

Thanks for all the replies so far. I know I should be thankful that he's done me a favour but right now I'm still in the upset at getting dumped stage. Before all the things on the list were revealed he was kind, caring and seemed like a genuinely lovely person.

what all the others say.

But really all of those things are just different manifestations of the same part of his personality: the part that demands that “the rules” don’t apply to him, and that other people acknowledge it.

you perhaps got dumped for not validating his view of himself as really special and for whom “ordinary” or mundane are beneath him.
you can’t have a relationship with him, you can only be loudly applauding his relationship with himself.

SpringerFall · 11/05/2024 09:38

Which party are they going to run for in the general election?

iamawarriorwhojustcrieseasily · 11/05/2024 09:35

Oh god. Why are you not celebrating?! 🤮

ChristmasCwtch · 11/05/2024 09:27

Easy no on each of them 😂

In the bin with the cross-dressing druggie who pays for sex!!

dudsville · 11/05/2024 09:13

The reply of others doesn't matter, if these things entice you then they do. If they don't then they don't.

Comedycook · 11/05/2024 09:05

No to all of those things.

raspberryberet7 · 11/05/2024 09:04

No