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Original poster

To not be keen on son's girlfriend

86 replies

MyWildAmberDreamer · 10/05/2024 14:18

Girlfriend is 22 (son is 21). Son lives with me, his dad and little brother (6). Son and girlfriend both work part time.
Girlfriend has been staying over 2-3 nights a week since they started seeing each other 2 years ago (we put a limit on it when she once ended up here for a whole week with no sign of going home any time). We have tried to be welcoming to her but are lucky if we get a hello from her, let alone a please or thank you. She has literally sat in my kitchen whilst I've been cooking dinner for everyone (including her!) and has barely spoken two words to me despite me trying to talk to her nicely but as soon as son came into room was whispering and giggling with him.
It feels like she thinks our house is a b&b she stays in with her boyfriend and she doesn't have to bother speaking to the staff.
When we spoke to son about it he said she's shy. But last weekend she was reading a 50 shades of grey style book on our sofa whilst our 6 year old (excellent reader!) was in the room with her. I didn't challenge her at the time as I only googled the title after she'd gone and was shocked. Younger son seems to think she's OK as she deigns to talk to him.

What would you do in this situation? Son doesn't seem to think there's an issue, if anything he'd like her here more! There are no signs of them moving in together any time soon. Not sure on longevity of relationship as its son's first 'proper' relationship.

OP posts:
FirstFallopians · 10/05/2024 20:08

I’d describe myself as an introvert/shy, so I understand her discomfort.

However I’ve always made a real effort with my in-laws, despite them being much more extroverted and social than I am.

Being shy was never an excuse but it won’t fly after two years of ignoring you in your own home while taking advantage of your hospitality.

Honestly I’d tell him unless she grew some manners she wasn’t welcome to stay overnight anymore, and going forward he can make sure they sort themselves out for food.

fixies · 10/05/2024 20:00

I wouldn't attack her personality. I'd just say that he can't have a guest to stay 3 nights a week. It's too much. She can stay 1 or 2 nights max. I suspect her parents might of already done this - hence they end up at yours. If they want to see each other all the time they can get their own place.

Also go easy if she is shy. Shyness isn't rudeness. You don't want her to feel uncomfortable. In time she'll open up to you should the relationship go on.

ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst · 10/05/2024 16:17

I would say to him - I know she's important to you but if she's going to stay here she needs to be a bit more polite - hellos, please, etc. Not read inappropriate books in the shared areas. And can you not whisper to each other. Go to your room if you want to talk privately.

Original poster
MyWildAmberDreamer · 10/05/2024 14:26

drusth · 10/05/2024 14:24

I would limit to her staying one night a week.

How come DS doesn't stay at hers?

I don't know why - he only seems to stay at hers if her parents aren't around. I've asked him about that before but got a "I do!" reply...!

OP posts:
misszebra · 10/05/2024 14:26

yes I agree with others - tell him either he has a conversation with her about manners or you will do it yourself.

LadyDanburysHat · 10/05/2024 14:25

mbosnz · 10/05/2024 14:24

Oh, and I'd say to my son that I'm asking him to clue her in as a courtesy to both him and her, because I'm sure that they'd both find that less embarrassing than me doing it, which is what is going to happen if he doesn't, and improvements aren't made and seen somewhat sharpish.

I agree with this. And also to her staying less often if she can't speak to you.

mbosnz · 10/05/2024 14:24

Oh, and I'd say to my son that I'm asking him to clue her in as a courtesy to both him and her, because I'm sure that they'd both find that less embarrassing than me doing it, which is what is going to happen if he doesn't, and improvements aren't made and seen somewhat sharpish.

drusth · 10/05/2024 14:24

I would limit to her staying one night a week.

How come DS doesn't stay at hers?

Hadalifeonce · 10/05/2024 14:23

Unfortunately, there isn't a lot you can do. Our DS's girlfriend appeared to be painfully shy, despite having a customer facing role. She didn't even try to fake it with us. It sorted of hit home for DS after the GF left after a few days here, after I had offered a drink/breakfast, without even saying goodbye. I didn't say anything, but my face must have; she did get a little better after that, but we all breathed a sigh of relief when they broke up.

mbosnz · 10/05/2024 14:22

I think I'd say to my son, that perhaps he could clue his girlfriend into the expectations in the family home, i.e, that you say hullo on arriving, goodbye on leaving, ask if you can help if in the kitchen and someone is preparing the family meal, pleases and thank yous cost nothing and are required, you don't whisper in front of others and giggle, and you don't read inappropriate material in family areas. Different families have different ideas of what constitutes okay family behaviour, and it's possible hers is different. Also, make sure your son knows all of the above applies to him as well.

misszebra · 10/05/2024 14:21

of course son doesn't think there's an issue - he's not being ignored in his own home. id tell him if he wants to see her now to go to her house.
I'm sure you'll get the excuse of her being shy etc but its not an excuse - she is rude and honestly quite entitled to think she can stay under your roof without being polite at the very least.