To not be keen on son's girlfriend

But last weekend she was reading a 50 shades of grey style book on our sofa whilst our 6 year old (excellent reader!) was in the room with her

Unless your six-year-old was sitting on her lap reading it with her, why is this a problem? Why are you Googling the titles of her reading matter?!

If I was reading, eg, American Psycho, are you saying that would be inappropriate if your child was sitting in the same room or opposite me on the train? What about a Jackie Collins bonkbuster on the beach?

I would tell him he needs to start looking for a full time job so they can move out, or maybe put a limit on it to one night a week so they get the hint.

You don't like her as she just has different customs and mannerism to you and your family.

You can't change her.

If you don't like the situation tell your son and limit visits and overnight stay to one night a week.

They should move out and get their own place.

You've been incredibly patient & accommodating - obviously have done so for the sake of your son, but after 2 yrs of such rudeness from a grown woman, time is up!!

I'd tell your son how you feel & the expectations/house rules etc you have from this point on. If she/they don't meet them, then you just have to put your foot down & stop her staying altogether. It's YOUR house. If they don't like that, then they need to sort themselves out & get their own place.

She may be a bit shy but she's a whole lot of rude!!

Yes, I’d Feb very unhappy with this - and I’m well aware we’ve struck gold with DSs girlfriend - she’s lovely and helpful.

You need to have a word with your DS about basic manners that you expect. My DH once tried to leave mine when we were dating years ago without saying goodbye to my mum. His mum would not have been impressed if I’d done that to them so I pulled him up on it. Your son needs to do the same.

Is you had to Google the title to have a as problem with it you’re searching for things to object to.

If you and DP don’t want her in your house then provide advance notice and let your son know she is no longer welcome.

You need to decide if potentially driving a wedge between you and your son is worth it.

Just don’t be surprised if he chooses to move out rather than not see her. If you’re ok with that, then go ahead.

They're adults really and probably enjoying winding you up. If they've been together for 2 years then I'd make more noises about them moving in together. 22 is probably time to try moving out. Otherwise you just have to accept that your adult son is living with you with his annoying adult girlfriend. They sound immature but 22 year olds are immature, I wouldn't necessarily expect much different. At least she seems to feel at home!

She sounds very immature for her age - whispering etc ….. you have been very tolerant but if she cannot even display basic manners I would say that she is not welcome anymore! Cannot stand bad manners - especially in someone else’s home and using all your facilities and expected to be waited on hand and foot! Arggggh this is making me mad on your behalf!

Time to start charging your ds rent and board if you’re not doing this already. He can pay extra when his gf stays. I hope that they don’t leave a mess everywhere. Give them both household jobs to do.

Put your foot down. It's your home, tell them both to get their own place if they want to be together.
Why do they only work part time?

You are doing your son a massive disservice by tolerating behaviour like this. Your silence and willingness to have her in your home is telling him her rudeness is acceptable.

^^ This! If you’ve already spoken to him more than once, then speak directly to her. You should not have to feel uncomfortable in your own home. I probably wouldn’t be setting any ultimatums (sp. ultimata?) but more along the lines of until you can afford to live independently, you need to treat us like family not staff.

Also to the PPs saying you’ll drive your son away - nah, he sounds passive as sh*t, you might get some mardy door slamming but they honestly don’t sound like the most motivated couple

As someone who is shy and socially awkward I can generally sympathise with shyness. But after 2 years the shyness with you should have worn off by now! Also shyness doesn't excuse rudeness: even if she finds small talk difficult she should show you basic good manners and offer to help with certain things seeing as you are being good enough to let her use your home.
I really don't see why you should put up with this in your own home and your DS should respect you enough to talk to her about how her attitude is upsetting for you.

Absolutely. I can't believe you have allowed her to behave like this in your own home. I'd be telling my son exactly how I felt about her shocking rudeness and the overnight stays would no longer be happening. Hell would freeze over before I had someone make me feel uncomfortable in my own fucking house.

Never attack his partner she makes him happy
It will backfire and you will loose out.

He'll move out and your hardly see him.

I couldn't put up with this. I would have to say something to her. I would wait until she's just ignored me and then I would say "I need a word with you. I've known you for two years and you've never been friendly throughout that time even though you've spent a couple of days a week in my house having free food Etc. I'm not doing it anymore. Either you show some respect and act in a friendly manner or you can stay in your own home from now on." Then I would leave the room pronto!

The only part of this that’s vaguely unreasonable about this is criticising her choice of reading material in public, it’s hardly intrusive. The rest is awful though.

“We have spoken to son about this before and it got a little better each time for a week or two then it was swiftly back to barely speaking.”

Why would she change her behaviour when there is zero consequence for acting like an arsehole? He obviously isn’t making it a bigger issue, and she’s still getting free room and board.

If I behaved like that to my MIL, DH would have dumped me, and likewise for him and my parents. Massive red flag.

I would tell my son either basic common courtesy is extended, or she can go be rude somewhere else.

I didn't like any of my DSs first few girlfriends so I don't think you're alone there OP! Thankfully he saw the light eventually!

It's really difficult to know what to do but I'd be careful about what I say to DS as you could end up pushing them together even more. She does sound a little shy to me and she must find it difficult to talk to her BFs mum who she probably has nothing in common with. Of course she'll engage with your other DS as he will have things in common with her - I don't think that's unusual at all.
I used to struggle to talk to my DCs friends at times as I wanted to be friendly but not over friendly and not be an idiot and embarrass my kids!
I guess you could say to him that she can only stay over twice a week or something like that but that wouldn't improve your relationship with her and he might then go to her place and you'd see less of him.
I did laugh at your book comment though OP - it sounded a little prudish - was she reading it out loud? At least she was reading and not staring at her phone! I don't see this as a problem at all.

Op don't know what I would do. How old is she? If she is genuinely shy then mentioning her manners will make it much worse and she'll feel even more shy.
However, it would be good to help her by setting a basic standard of hello and goodbye.
And a thank you.

I'm not sure how you would go about mentioning this without making it worse but you do need a basic level of respect.

Perhaps say to your son you understand she's shy but she must try and say either hello or thank you or good bye once in one week, twice the next etc