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WWYD - husband loosing his grip on things after cancer diagnosis

361 replies

CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 13:01

So husband got diagnosed with prostate cancer and having an operation in a month's time. He is late 40's I'm late 30's. As unfortunate as it is, I thought we discussed, we cried and I thought we were at the place where things were fine.

However, he completely started loosing his mind. Drinking himself into coma, smashed the chair around the house breaking it as well as damaging the floor and just making mess all over While all this time shouting and swearing. He's not engaging with me, responds in swear words. He had similar things happened to him in the past, went and found help and was coping really well until now.

To make matters even worse. He was supposed to do sperm freezing and we are due to have egg collection late next week. I have no idea if any of this is going to happen. I'm certainly going ahead with the treatment and freeze my own eggs if hr doesn't get a grip by then.

I just don't know what to do. Trying to talk to him is pointless. I just keep on carrying on with work and having some sort of normality as all he does just drinks and screams abuse after (not at me, just to the world in general)

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 11/05/2024 01:29

CoCoaButter85 · 11/05/2024 00:51

He went through a similar thing about a year ago. Far from being this extreme. At no point did I feel unsafe. But he was suffering himself a lot. I should contact his psychologist and try to arrange an urgent follow up.

We spoke about his MH and if we need to look into any support but he said he is ok.

I think he's just drinking himself out of his mind. If he wasn't drinking I'm sure he would cope better.

You need to stop focusing on him and save yourself instead.

Get a therapist who will help you disengage, end your codependency, and carve out a life for yourself away from him.

PieFaces · 11/05/2024 01:25

Have a long bath and a warm cup of tea. Focus on your breathing when the lights are out.

YaMuvva · 11/05/2024 01:23

CoCoaButter85 · 11/05/2024 01:20

@YaMuvva - what was the surgery for? Hopefully you are not in pain.

I do listen to Get Sleepy on YouTube. It usually helps me to switch off eventually. They just read stories for adults. I don't think it will help me tonight but will give it a go

I’ve had a hysterectomy, I’m in more pain than I thought I was going to be but I’ve been prescribed some very strong painkillers, they somehow keep me awake though!

I may try that channel, I hate not being able to sleep.

don’t think about a plan or anything tonight, just think about sleep and then make a plan.

How are you for support? You said you’re DH’s only family but is he your only support?

CoCoaButter85 · 11/05/2024 01:20

@YaMuvva - what was the surgery for? Hopefully you are not in pain.

I do listen to Get Sleepy on YouTube. It usually helps me to switch off eventually. They just read stories for adults. I don't think it will help me tonight but will give it a go

OP posts:
YaMuvva · 11/05/2024 01:17

CoCoaButter85 · 11/05/2024 01:13

Can't sleep now. I feel physically calm but my head just wouldn't switch off. I suppose no surprise. At least I'm comfortable and don't need to listen to every sound and be terrified x

OP, try to get some rest, you need a clear head tomorrow. I am post-surgical and have serious insomnia as a result so I’m up for a bit if you want to continue a chat on here xx

Whatifitallgoesright · 11/05/2024 01:14

I don't think you'll manage it this time but use what you can to shore up your defences for the future.

CoCoaButter85 · 11/05/2024 01:13

Can't sleep now. I feel physically calm but my head just wouldn't switch off. I suppose no surprise. At least I'm comfortable and don't need to listen to every sound and be terrified x

OP posts:
PieFaces · 11/05/2024 01:10

please be very careful and don’t take any risks with your own safety

Mmhmmn · 11/05/2024 01:00

KreedKafer · 10/05/2024 13:25

He is not a bad guy

OP, I’m really sorry, but yes, he is.

A good guy does not react to stress by getting hammered, trashing the house and abusing his wife. That isn’t normal. It is very much ‘bad guy’ behaviour.

It’s normal for a cancer diagnosis to affect someone’s mental health and mood. It’s not normal for a cancer diagnosis to turn someone into an abusive alcoholic who deliberately makes his partner’s life a misery. Can you seriously imagine a future with someone who does this every time you go through something tough as a couple? It’s awful, awful behaviour and there is no excuse for it. There just isn’t.

This. He’s an abusive asshole OP. Sorry. Millions of people with cancer diagnoses do not choose to behave this way. It is not an excuse. Get yourself out of his orbit, to safety. You’re not his emotional punchbag.

kkloo · 11/05/2024 00:56

CoCoaButter85 · 11/05/2024 00:53

He does take medication but I think at the moment given the extreme alcohol he has stopped taking it. Unless he stops drinking, there's no way to help him

What's he been diagnosed with? Or what type of medication is he on?

CoCoaButter85 · 11/05/2024 00:53

He does take medication but I think at the moment given the extreme alcohol he has stopped taking it. Unless he stops drinking, there's no way to help him

OP posts:
CoCoaButter85 · 11/05/2024 00:52

Psychiatrist*

OP posts:
CoCoaButter85 · 11/05/2024 00:51

He went through a similar thing about a year ago. Far from being this extreme. At no point did I feel unsafe. But he was suffering himself a lot. I should contact his psychologist and try to arrange an urgent follow up.

We spoke about his MH and if we need to look into any support but he said he is ok.

I think he's just drinking himself out of his mind. If he wasn't drinking I'm sure he would cope better.

OP posts:
PieFaces · 11/05/2024 00:45

if he is on existing medication through a psychiatrist, he needs an urgent medication review.

PieFaces · 11/05/2024 00:43

This is an extreme reaction to his diagnosis. Has he BPD? Or other diagnosis? Any medication for his mental health?

PieFaces · 11/05/2024 00:41

youve done the right thing calling the police and booking yourself into a hotel. The priority is your safety and calling the crisis team tomorrow first thing. If you return to the house, ensure the police are with you. If he has any family update them by email. Talk to your own friends and family.

kkloo · 11/05/2024 00:39

CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 13:13

@siameselife - I'm afraid I'm coming to realization that having a child with him is not a good idea.

I don't think it's down to him being an alcoholic. It's down to him not being able to cope with stressful situation. He has been on 6months intensive therapy. Was doing well, learned the strategies but it's clearly not working for him

How on earth are his coping skills so bad that he resorts to this after 6 months of therapy?
Most people wouldn't respond like that even if they weren't great with coping with stress and hadn't had any therapy at all.

Are there any other factors at play like in his childhood or something because that is really wild....the whole smashing up the place to show his pain is a real teenage/very young male adult thing in my experience, not something that a man in his 40s would do even if they are stressed/depressed/sick or drunk or a combination of all of them.

Reminds me of something my ex did when he was 17.

Of course if it's legitimately a massive breakdown he might not be in control of himself right now and that's an explanation and he needs immediate help to keep him and others safe but you make it sound like he's always a bit like this, and that it's just escalated.

Has he ever previously had a traumatic brain injury?

YaMuvva · 11/05/2024 00:34

A great big warm hand hold to you OP.

I am going through something not dissimilar to your DH and whilst it’s scary as hell and I needed a lot of time to gather my thoughts, his behaviour is totally inexcusable. It’s very hard on partners when their loved ones going through illnesses, I’ve been there and now my DH is there, but his behaviour is toxic and unacceptable and you absolutely mustn’t think yourself the bad guy for not tolerating it.

Do let us know how you get on xx

CoCoaButter85 · 11/05/2024 00:32

@SerafinasGoose - thank you for sharing your experience. When you put it like that it does sound like a terrifying prospect.

I'll just take a day at the time. Currently I'm safe. Will have some good sleep and will plan what to do next tomorrow.

Thank you everyone again for supporting me through this.

OP posts:
CoCoaButter85 · 11/05/2024 00:27

@Dymaxion - he is very much afraid of all the possible side effects. And just not dealing very well processing it what is potentially to come. I understand him.. it is horrible place to be. But that is not excuse for his behavior during the last 2 days x

OP posts:
potatowine · 11/05/2024 00:23

Good to know you’re safe and don’t have to go back any time soon.

CucumberBagel · 11/05/2024 00:20

That was really dangerous and foolish. Your posts come across as strangely blasé, if this is genuine.

CoCoaButter85 · 11/05/2024 00:18

I am in the hotel right now. I was waiting for police for ages and decided to go and see what is going on. Managed to get in, pack essentials, work laptop. Enough to get me through next week at least. He was asleep all that time. Police came to the house. I chatted to them and then went together with them to the local hotel.

OP posts:
ThatLibraryDebate · 11/05/2024 00:04

I really hope you are in a hotel right now.

potatowine · 11/05/2024 00:00

Hope you’re ok OP.

Don't go back to the house. He may be waiting for you.

Wait until tomorrow.
Call police again tomorrow
Hotel tonight.

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