WWYD - husband loosing his grip on things after cancer diagnosis

I can’t add much, as have got a bit triggered by this.

All I can add is dont consider any sperm freezing - he is under 50, so there might possibly be a genetic aspect to it.

Yes, so what happens now, he just gets drunk and smashes up the house and no one is there to witness it or call the emergency services, can he get a welfare check. Its a shame the police weren't called when it all kicked off.

Emergency services will indeed take people to a place of safety but they won't be assessed if they are drunk as intoxication with alcohol has such a marked impact on MSE

They'll likely be sent away to sober up - generally in police custody - and then assessed

Nothing excuses his behaviour. But some posters are very dismissive of the effect of this surgery on a man especially only in his 40s.
if the cancer is confined to the prostate then by all accounts it can be removed and the chances are high that it won’t come back.
But : no more sperm produced. Very likely to have problems with erections and possibility of not coming back. Incontinence in some form.
The surgeon is always over the moon that they have removed the cancer and yes he will live a normal life span. But the side effects you are left with can be serious.
he will also have a catheter for at least a week after op.

But none of this excuses his behaviour

It's the same here, the emergency services can take someone to a place of safety and hold them for different lengths of time depending on which part if the mental health act they use. It was silly to go back to the house alone if this is what happened.

It is, but the key difference is that it's never turned into abuse of me or anyone else and I have never for one moment felt unsafe in my own home. The baseball bat scenario is terrifying and he does sound a serious danger to you.

This man needs help and support, but you are not the one under obligation to provide it. Keep yourself safe.

Yes, in Australia where I am, if someone is a danger to themselves and/or others during a mental health crisis, ambulance will come and take them straight to hospital. It may be different in the UK or where the OP is. But if someone is walking around with a baseball bat and threatening to smash up cars, ambulance and police are called to contain the situation and have the person admitted.

OP he is a very, very dangerous man. Imagine if you have a child and he goes off like this, smashing up thing around your child/ren, and the poor kids are huddled in a wardrobe, shaking and hiding from their dad.

You CAN'T have children with him. He is NOT father material. You need to get a divorce. He will not change. Don't accept that from him when he snaps out of this, 'I'll change' bs. He WONT. And you know it. There will be something again. A relapse of cancer. Stress. Something. Anything. And it will start again. It would be morally abhorrent and irresponsible of you to bring an innocent child into this.

You need to divorce. He will not ever change. And, you can't take that risk.

Hell now be angry at you. Don’t underestimate what he’ll be capable of.

@CoCoaButter85 I’ve just read the whole thread and to be honest I’m shocked at your lack of self-preservation despite saying at 3.15pm

I am afraid to speak on the phone now so he doesn't come into my office (he's currently running around downstairs with a baseball bat)

I don't think it would be safe for me to go downstairs nor to talk on the phone at the moment. In our house you can hear everything (it's not even that I can go to the bathroom easily because he will hear it and will come after me

You decided to ignore all the recommendations to get help, saying
I take into consideration everything that has been said but I really prefer to leave at night/early hours in the morning when he cannot hear me. And if comes to worst will simply call police to help me get out of here.

Riight. You’d rather take a huge risk than contact the very people whose role it is to protect and serve the public? And you think they could get to you in time should he suddenly kick off and aim his aggression at you rather than just furniture and cars?! With the best will in the world, how long do you think it would take help to arrive in an emergency situation where he really loses it and comes at you with a baseball bat for daring to leave him?

Finally, at 5pm you decide to do something. But not because of your safety, but because of the fucking car?! But even then, instead of getting help you take a huge risk, potentially putting you in harm’s way and make your escape

I'm few blocks away but still terrified he can come and find me.
And go on to say “
He switched off our indoor cameras so I even can't tell when the safe time to come in get my things is. It might have to be police helping me after all”
You were still considering going back for your stuff!

You’d asked earlier if you called ambulance/police would they actually do anything at all? Yes of course they fucking would! If you called 999 and explained the situation (or text a friend so they could) they would be with you ASAP and would likely take him away and get him the MH treatment he needed. Hopefully it would’ve served as a wake-up call to him that he has to sort himself out and that his behaviour is unacceptable. It would also have meant you were safe and could carefully pack your things and go. This could all have happened before 4pm, and not involved sitting in the car shitting yourself and considering making some very poor choices. Missed opportunity for him and huge risks from you.
And yes, I know people will tell me I'm unreasonable to say all this and that it takes abused women x number of attempts to leave etc, but I just want to give OP's head a wobble

Not read the whole thread but I have stage 3 grade 3 cancer...it's scary,. I got angry, terrified, grieved the loss of the life I had, depressed etc. I'm not saying you have to accept the behaviour but you do have to understand that this has dramatically changed his life. If you walked away (not saying you're going to) then effectively you don't have to deal with it. He can't walk away. The treatment may cure the cancer, it won't cure the mental impact. You need to get him to seek an oncopsychologist. They specialise in this. Also the cancer survivors handbook is good.
The rage and stuff he is doing is clearly a mental breakdown, you're not safe he's not safe and you both need help. You to protect yourself and him to become stable. You can also call for a psych hold for him. He will get treatment for both his mental health and his cancer treatment.

I'm so glad you got out and don't go back alone under any circumstances! I had a previous relationship years ago like this only this guy was using pills I didn't know anything about. Got into a fight over it one morning once I started to suspect. He started breaking things so I left and went to a hotel. He sent dozens of texts apologizing asking me to come home. I refused. Later that night a friend text me and said the guy was posting pictures on social media with a shotgun to his face saying how he was going to kill himself. His mother called the police and he was checked into a MH facility. I took that time to collect my belongings and move hundreds of miles away and never looked back. I've always wondered what would have happened if I had gone back home that night. He didn't own a gun and had gone out and bought it that same day with money he'd stolen from my purse before I had left. I'm sharing this because I just don't want something similar to happen with you. People do crazy things when they're desperate and under the influence. I'd also be pretty furious that the police didn't show up when he's drunk breaking things and starting fights with neighbors. Good luck op we're all worried for you!

Many apologies, just read through all your posts.

Blimey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well done for getting out. Please be careful about further exposure to this stupidly dangerous man. Try to switch off the bits of you that agonise over his welfare. He is an adult, he can look after himself better than this... or choose not to.

Hope you find a more tranquil settled life soon

^ this.

By the way, I know a couple of men, both diagnosed with prostate cancer (and one an aggressive variant on pathology), who lived well into their 90s.

ED is his primary concern?

Don't get stuck with this wanker!

Honestly you cannot have a child with this man. If he is going to drink and smash things up whenever he's stressed, you're going to have one fucked up kid. You can do so much better. Make plans to leave him, you deserve so.much better.

@CoCoaButter85 it might also be useful to update your GP about what's been happening with your partner so that when/if he is either arrested or detained under the MHA the information is readily available to other professionals who may become involved

Tho' any assessment of his underlying mental state won't be possible whilst he's intoxicated

But yes agree violence and verbal abuse uncalled for.

Poor man. It’s not death or nothing. The side affects of treating or operating on that area and the effects created have psychological ramifications. It’s not talked about for men though.

Thank you. My DH is facing the same thing as OP's NVDH. He has not behaved like OP's NVDH at all. His surgery will be at the end of the month and he knows I have his back, no matter what. It is scary as heck and I hope this operation is the end of the cancer. DH is my best friend and sidekick in shenanigans.

I hope your long term treatment is helping you and to me, you sound incredibly brave. Cancer sucks, and I've lost too many family members from it. 😭

My mum has had cancer twice and my dad has terminal cancer. They have been upset, angry and a whole mix of emotions but not once have they been abusive. His behaviour is a choice. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I am afraid you are still minimising this- ‘if only he wasn’t drinking’- he is drinking, because this is who he is. He doesn’t really want to change. as others have said, he’s seen the cancer diagnosis a a great reason- ha, I can drink, I can do and say whatever the fuck I want. I always want to be like this, I sort of know other people won’t accept it. But I want to, so as soon as I can find a good enough reason i will.’ You cannot have children with him, and you cannot be in a relationship with him. Do not be there for his cancer recovery. It’s a low severity cancer many people have and get through fine, he will have to find a way to manage without you. You don’t owe him. You owe yourself to stay away. You owe your chance at a family to move on not stay enmeshed with him.

Someone needs to call his psychiatrist if he's possibly having a mental breakdown though.

Leaving the abusive behaviour out of it for a second because even the most sane people are capable of abuse, this man is out emptying the contents of their veggie bin onto the neighbours cars, that's completely bizarre behaviour, which could escalate further. He's deliberately trying to provoke them.

You can't just not report stuff like that to the mental health professionals. I'm in Ireland and in recent years there's been several incidents of people killing neighbours while in psychosis etc, some were cannabis induced. I believe there can be an alcohol induced psychosis too.

Ideally the police would take responsibility for the OPs/neighbours and this mans welfare but I would imagine they won't bother unless they are called again, presumably they think it's all fine now seeing as he was asleep when they got there. But someone will need to report his escalating behaviour.

Unfortunately in one of the Irish cases the husband phoned his wifes psychiatric clinic the day before she had an appointment about her escalating behaviour and they agreed to wait until the planned appointment before they saw her and she went out and killed a man in her estate the next morning.

Hi @CoCoaButter85 You are not responsible for his physical or mental health. He is.
He is also currently affecting your own physical and mental safety at the moment and you ARE responsible for this.
From what you have described, this man has a history of using stressors as an excuse to drown himself in drink and act out in an aggressive/violent fashion. He also takes no responsibility for his behaviour or it’s affects on others. The only likely way this will change is if you leave him to deal with the consequences himself.
To reiterate, his cancer is bad, but it’s an excuse he is using to behave like an aggressive toddler at the moment.
He will not change.
You can’t fix this.
Save yourself.

Don't call his psychiatrist.

That's not your responsibility.

He isn't asking for help, he is abusing you. You might love him because he's your husband, but you need to stop doing nice and caring things for someone who is not nice and caring to you, even if they're having a shit time of it.

He is a grown man. He needs to call his own psychiatrist. You need to call women's aid and IDAS.