WWYD - husband loosing his grip on things after cancer diagnosis

@Nanaof1
Radiotherapy to the prostate is unlikely to cause ED and incontinence within a few months. ED can occur many years later. ED is likely while a man is on hormone therapy (and for a while after before testosterone returns).
Incontinence is ED are more likely with surgery in the first few months after. Over time most men recover these functions.

We were told that with radiation, the problems are not immediate but do show up after a few months, including ED and incontinence. Both have a higher incidence of not resolving itself. Plus, if you then need surgery anyway, it can be much more difficult.

DH is having robotic surgery and will be in overnight. They listed incontinence and ED (there are pills for that) as possible/probably temporary problems. The only thing that makes me wheeze and worry is the catheter for a week. I have trouble with the three "Ps" and always have. (Weak stomach blush and humiliation)

How are you tonight Op?

Have you had a cancer diagnosis ? Because l actually think OP’s ‘staggering lack of empathy’ is how many people would deal with the initial diagnosis and immediate aftermath - it’s certainly how myself and my partner dealt with my own breast cancer diagnosis. Obviously everyone deals with it differently but l think in the initial stages this is the reality for many couples.

A cancer diagnosis is a massive shock - most of us think of it as something that happens to someone else, not to ourselves and the world looks very different in its’ wake. So you talk it through, you maybe have a weep, you comfort each other and you decide how you are going to deal with it together.

There’s an interval of a few weeks where further testing takes place and then a treatment plan is put in place. It’s only a few weeks but it feels like an eternity until you get that treatment plan. And although l know my partner is there if l need to talk, it would make things much worse if we kept going over and over things. Once we know what treatment will involve we’ll talk again so that we’re both clear on what’s going to happen.

OP has already said the prognosis is good, as is my own, but they will also have been advised, as we were, that there are no guarantees with cancer and you have to get your head around that. It sounds as though that’s what’s happening here and it’s not OP’s fault that her DH has chosen to go off the deep end and use the diagnosis to abuse her.

Good for you op, resting. Has he tried to make contact?

Bet you're exhausted. Enjoy Eurovision and your dessert

Glad you are having some food. especially dessert! you also deserve some nice snacks for watching eurovision.

really glad you are safe and sound. sending you hugs.

Hi @CoCoaButter85 how are you doing? are you still at the hotel?

hope you managed to get some food in you and a little bit of rest.

just remember however tough his diagnosis is, it does not justify or excuse his behaviour and your safety always comes first. you also deserve a happy life where you are not terrified all the time.

a lot of people have unfortunate diagnoses, they live with it because they have to. his behaviour is a choice.

It really sounds as if you are in denial. Honestly it would be better all round if he were sectioned. You'd be safe, he'd get the professional help he needs

My dad has just been diagnosed with this, although he is 88. I was talking about this in a private room in my wax salon on Wednesday and the beautician told me that her dad had it but it was discovered a bit later He is in his 70s and has to take female hormones to lower his testosterone. I didnt ask (after all its her dad) but its not hard to work out his sex life is likely over.

@CoCoaButter85 my theory is he is also scared you will do what a lot of MEN do when their wives/girlfriends have cancer which is leave. Its well known that more men leave in this situation than women do when its vice versa. Especially when love life is affected. Ironically his violent behaviour which there is no excuse for may well make this a self fulfilling prophecy

I’ve just received a breast cancer diagnosis. It’s a shock and the world doesn’t look the same any more. To most people, cancer is something that happens to somebody else and it’s very difficult to accept the diagnosis and come to terms with it - it’s an absolute roller coaster of different feelings and emotions. But that does not give him the right to treat you the way he is - he’s seeing it as a reason to dish out abuse, My only advice is to try to get him when he’s sober and explain to him that you’re willing to stand by him through this, but you’re not taking abuse, and if it doesn’t stop you’re leaving. And mean it.

ED used to be almost inevitable after prostate surgery, but the techniques are much better now and the chances are good that he could be fine afterwards, although the surgeons will not promise anything, it's a very delicate operation. The alternative is he could have radiation treatment that just zaps the cancer but there are other problems with that and it means you probably can't use radiation therapy again if the cancer comes back. If he's really that terrified of ED he might want to consider radiation therapy instead.

Please don't have a child with this man.
He's violent, unstable, verbally abusive, destructive, scornful of you, threatening others, destructive of neighbours property.

Yes, he's terrified right now.
But plenty of people manage to navigate their way through this without becoming a danger to their partners.

And imagine - he'd be in his fifties if you did have a child. The stress of a pregnancy and birth, screaming baby, sleepless nights, demanding toddler, stroppy teen. Quite apart from the possible genetic issue, he hasn't developed the emotional intelligence or resilience to cope. He's not father material.

You're so enmeshed in this ghastly situation you stayed, as so many women do. It was awful reading your descriptions of what he was doing to you. Please get help for yourself. And don't inflict that decision on a helpless child.

In addition there are the concerns about genetic material, it is thought that alcoholism may have genetic links and mental health issues also seem to.
This is not the gene selection I would pick for a child.

Edited off after reading full thread properly - all the very best and I hope you'll find peace away from him.

I hope your husband gets the help he needs soon. It sounds very scary and I would also be petrified, yet feel sad for him.

You need to protect yourself right now and it looks like you are doing just that. I'm glad you are safe.

Your NVDH does not have the right to hurt others just because he feels hurt.

I hope both of our husbands get through all of this and end up completely cancer free after the surgery. I'll keep you and your husband in my thoughts and wish you the best.

@Diangled am so sorry to hear that.

Wow OP just wow, you need to get out of there permanently. None of this is normal or acceptable, including your reaction to it.
Swinging a baseball bat and throwing shit on neighbours cars. He is a danger to himself and others. Imagine if you has kids present when this was happening.

I’m glad you are safe OP & I hope that he has calmed today. He behaved dreadfully and I wouldn’t be able to move on from it.

The misconceptions around prostate cancer though are so frustrating and I believe limit younger men from getting the support they need. Not to mention the overwhelming amount of support is aimed towards older men.
My late DH died from prostate cancer in his 50’s & apart from the actual trauma of having cancer & the treatment side affects, the dismissive attitude of some people around him & assumption that it was nothing only added to his distress as he felt he silenced. I’ve often felt like screaming at the injustice of being a widow in my 40’s when all around had been saying ‘it’s just prostate cancer’. Infuriating!
Saying that he never behaved as your H has done, when DH raged about the unfairness of his diagnosis I never once felt unsafe, unloved or alone & neither should you.
Do take care of yourself.

You can't think of having a child while your own situation is so difficult - you need a safe place to live. It's not clear how you could ever feel quite safe living with this man. See previous advice posted on here.

LaBorde makes a good point. It’s unfashionable to mention genetic factors and behaviour, but think very carefully about having children with this man. You might be better off going to a sperm bank, I know that sounds stark and might be seen as less socially desirable, but he really isn’t father material.

Oh dear, OP. Hope you had a descent sleep and wish you all the strenghht to come out of this situation. I am sure you have got lots of advice from this thread that will help you. Will be thinking of you and wish you come safely on the other end.