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Original poster

WWYD - husband loosing his grip on things after cancer diagnosis

361 replies

CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 13:01

So husband got diagnosed with prostate cancer and having an operation in a month's time. He is late 40's I'm late 30's. As unfortunate as it is, I thought we discussed, we cried and I thought we were at the place where things were fine.

However, he completely started loosing his mind. Drinking himself into coma, smashed the chair around the house breaking it as well as damaging the floor and just making mess all over While all this time shouting and swearing. He's not engaging with me, responds in swear words. He had similar things happened to him in the past, went and found help and was coping really well until now.

To make matters even worse. He was supposed to do sperm freezing and we are due to have egg collection late next week. I have no idea if any of this is going to happen. I'm certainly going ahead with the treatment and freeze my own eggs if hr doesn't get a grip by then.

I just don't know what to do. Trying to talk to him is pointless. I just keep on carrying on with work and having some sort of normality as all he does just drinks and screams abuse after (not at me, just to the world in general)

OP posts:
Original poster
CoCoaButter85 · 23/05/2024 06:05

Just got up and getting ready to go to work. The lip actually looks ok. I think will keep some.lipstick on during the day and should get away with it. The bruising is mostly from inside so thankfully at least can be in the office.

The worst thing is all I am concerned about is him getting through the cancer treatment ok. He's telling me all these horrible things but that's all I can think about x

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Original poster
CoCoaButter85 · 23/05/2024 05:39

@Bingbong2024 - I am employed and earn a decent living (not loads but enough to support myself). Would charities still help me? I do feel that I need some help just to guide me through how to deal with all this. It doesn't help I didn't sleep much but currently struggling to see a clear set of action for longer term.

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Bingbong2024 · 23/05/2024 05:26

That's terrible, OP. I'm so very sorry. Have a Google for domestic abuse charities in your area and get some support. Often, they have an adult social care process they can refer you into where you can get multi agency support, including housing. You are at risk. Definitely report the assault to the police. If he escalates further, they need to have all the information to react appropriately, so report everything.

Original poster
CoCoaButter85 · 23/05/2024 05:14

He slapped my face rather than hitting me. But it was with a force so my lip is bruised. My mouth was hurting afterwards. Haven't looked into the mirror yet how it looks now.

I still cannot believe this is happening to me. I need to think of all arrangements I need to start putting in place. It doesn't help I only slept for a couple of hours.

I can stay in a cheap hotel for few more nights but I need to start thinking of where to stay longer term as can't afford hotel for too long and don't have anyone I could stay with.

I can't believe he's just destroying our nearly 10yr relationship. And in my head I still believe I need to do everything I can to help him with upcoming operation. He's completely messing around withy head. It doesn't help my self esteem or self worth. I just need to move on somehow

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Ilovelurchers · 23/05/2024 02:06

Oh OP, how horrible. When did this assault happen? Are you safe and ok for now?. Are you able to stay in the hotel for a whole, or have you got anywhere else to go?

You must be horrified. He is an absolute fucking scum-bag cunt for hitting you, and also sounds unhinged.

therealcookiemonster · 23/05/2024 01:11

CoCoaButter85 · 23/05/2024 00:17

He wasn't even drunk, came home and just blew out. I don't think it would have mattered what the excuse was. Appreciate his mental health is vulnerable but this is just ridiculous. He slapped my face and I have swollen lip so going to police station in the morning to discuss what can be done

OP I am so so sorry you are going through this. what an utterly horrible man. I am glad you are going to police and are safe for now.
cancer or not, he has no excuse to behave like this. many people have all sorts of severe illnesses and they manage perfectly well without hitting and abusing their partners or other family!

i would reccommend you no longer directly communicate with him, only via solicitors. as far as I understand the law, he cannot kick you out. in fact, given that he hit you, you can file an order to get him out of the house. either way, you need to be far far away from.

Once the immediate things are sorted, you need to spoil yourself with a nice luxury holiday where you are pampered in every way.

we are hear with listening ears if you need to vent or sound out your plans. if you need something to help you sleep/unclench - I find the calm app very helpful. also cat videos.

sending you love and hugs.

T1Dmama · 23/05/2024 00:56

Also @CoCoaButter85 have you done your egg recovery yet?
I hope that went well, I went through egg recovery twice and know how hard it is!…. Please look after yourself too, egg recovery is difficult without all this added stress!

T1Dmama · 23/05/2024 00:54

id suggest a women’s refuge but the rent in them if you’re working is so high!
Again though the police will be able to advice you and you can speak to Domestic Abuse charities and get advice on what you should do next, they can also suggest solicitors to help you that specialise in DA

T1Dmama · 23/05/2024 00:51

Take photos of yourself @CoCoaButter85 and the swollen lip etc!
Is the house rented or owned? Presume the house is 50/50?
Go to police get him arrested for assault and take out a restraining order if you can preventing him returning to the house!!

Codlingmoths · 23/05/2024 00:42

And yes go to the police! I’d push for charges. You need all the evidence and protection you can get, many women have suffered for lack of this.

Codlingmoths · 23/05/2024 00:41

You need to be done op. You need a lawyer and divorce proceedings as fast as you can. His cancer diagnosis is not driving this. He is. He is probably angry that he can’t actually just go wild and drink even if he has cancer and mad at you for being there and your presence reminding him.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 23/05/2024 00:36

You need to stay away from him.

Cancer is an absolute bitch but it doesn't justify or excuse his behaviour.

Get off this roller coaster. You cannot help or reason with someone that doesn't want it.

Original poster
CoCoaButter85 · 23/05/2024 00:17

He wasn't even drunk, came home and just blew out. I don't think it would have mattered what the excuse was. Appreciate his mental health is vulnerable but this is just ridiculous. He slapped my face and I have swollen lip so going to police station in the morning to discuss what can be done

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Original poster
CoCoaButter85 · 23/05/2024 00:15

I can't fucking believe it. I'm at the hotel again. He literally kicked me out of the house again and emailed me saying he wants a divorce. I start to think that he's using this situation just to get rid of me. He's shifting the blame on me so he can get rid of me. I saw him do similar things to one of his friends once (different circumstances) but ultimately he just wanted to get rid of him.

I think I need to speak to a solicitor where I stand legally.

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Codlingmoths · 15/05/2024 14:09

There is no ‘obviously’ I’ll support him
through his op when you’ve had the police help you get your things from the house. Obviously, the most important thing is that you are safe. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep an abusive alcoholic warm. If he’s drinking and out if control you should stay out of his life, not bring him tea and mop his brow.

GoawaySunrise · 15/05/2024 11:31

Stay wary op and don't feel sorry. People like him are a rollercoaster. Great times when they sober up for a bit, then right back down to bottom. Back to great once they've done something truly awful that sobers them for another bit, then back down they go. Freeze your eggs, make plans to separate and tell him you'll stay supportive as a friend as long as he's sober. By now I'm sure you can tell right away when he's had a drink, so he can't try to hide it(which would probably also be his next trick)

JFDIYOLO · 15/05/2024 10:39

Please stop thinking of bringing a child into being in this situation.

You aren't safe - but you can leave.

A child would be trapped and helpless.

If anything were then to happen to your child, how would you feel knowing you'd inflicted this man on them?

Please see sense. He's not father material. He's dangerous.

Noseybookworm · 15/05/2024 10:23

I know you want to support him with the upcoming operation but don't hesitate to leave if he starts drinking or is abusive. He needs to know you won't put up with that even for a minute. Thinking longer term, I'd be preparing to leave for good. This is not a relationship which is going to bring you peace and happiness.

nonumbersinthisname · 15/05/2024 09:15

You sound to me like you are still in denial of how serious this is. At any point anything could trigger him, he could have another drink and he could spiral again. Are you so focused on the ivf/egg collection that you aren’t seeing the bigger picture here?

Also, there is no “obviously” about helping him with his recovery if it means you are in danger.

MothralovesGojira · 15/05/2024 09:15

I'm glad that you're ok and he's not currently drinking. It sounds like he's scared himself and probably embarrassed.
I would suggest that at the first sign of drinking again that you leave immediately for your own safety. It might be a good idea to keep an escape bag ready and packed in your car and hide a set of keys by the front door if you can - just in case.

cooldarkroom · 15/05/2024 07:32

You are being astoundingly stoic.
1000s of people have had prostate cancer, fortunately the majority recover very well.
My brother went through this too. He didn't smash up the house & cloister himself in his bedroom. He went to work & loved his family.
Yes its scary. But your H is off the wall.
Not a thought for you or how it will affect you. Smashing up your home, Physically threatening, & making you flee.
Frightening you is not an acceptable reaction.
Who does he think is going to look after him & love him after that?
He is in need if urgent psychological assistance.
As an aside, if its your home too, you need to protect your investment

Nchanged89 · 15/05/2024 07:31

So he's stopped drinking for now, but what happens when he picks up a drink in a few days?

ButterCrackers · 15/05/2024 07:18

CoCoaButter85 · 15/05/2024 07:06

I do understand that he goes through different emotions and it is all valid and I respect that. I am not minimizing the effect of what he's going through. But at the same time treating me the way he did last week simply is not acceptable. I was stupid for not leaving the house earlier. I thought if I just wait it through he will be alright. He needs support etc. Anyway, here we are now. Will obviously help him with the operation but what to follow next is a different question completely.

Its good that you’re ok. Put yourself first. He is ill but that is no excuse for violence against you. Stay safe. Start to organise your own life and living by yourself. You can still help in the company of other people (don’t be by yourself with him) but you won’t be in a relationship with this man.

Original poster
CoCoaButter85 · 15/05/2024 07:14

I am just so angry at him. Was supporting him so much. Trying to re-assure him with ED problems especially. I know how sensitive he is about that. And all I got is slap in the face where I have to flee my own house. He realized the damage he did to the floor by throwing things around (he's usually worried about things like that as wants to keep the house in order) and I'm pretty sure he saw police coming to speak to me at night as well and me leaving with them. I do feel sorry for him but at the same time he did hurt me a lot with what he did

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Original poster
CoCoaButter85 · 15/05/2024 07:06

I do understand that he goes through different emotions and it is all valid and I respect that. I am not minimizing the effect of what he's going through. But at the same time treating me the way he did last week simply is not acceptable. I was stupid for not leaving the house earlier. I thought if I just wait it through he will be alright. He needs support etc. Anyway, here we are now. Will obviously help him with the operation but what to follow next is a different question completely.

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