WWYD - husband loosing his grip on things after cancer diagnosis

you have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed or feel guilty about

I hope he realises what a prat he has been

you will get through this and come out on the other side

100% you need therapy

@CoCoaButter85
You need to tell your manager and/or HR about this.
Do you rent or own?
Please accept any help from Women's Aid when they call.

He doesn't want you there anymore. He doesn't want your help or support. I suspect that he wants you to go so that he can drink himself into oblivion without feeling any guilt. Whether he continues treatment and who supports him is not your number one issue now. Go and do not return - he has told you as much. If he thinks that a slap hasn't worked then what's he going to do next time to make you go - break your arm?

I'd missed all your original posts

Cancer diagnoses mess with your head no doubt. The difference being most do not smash up their houses and physically/mentally abuse their partners. My husband said I went very quiet and internalised. At no point though did I lash out at him or my children verbally or physically. My diagnosis was at the tail end of covid and had to do all appointments by myself. I can see why you wouldn't want him arrested as it creates a lot more drama however have you thought about a restraining order perhaps? It may keep you a little safer as it puts you more on the radar with organisations etc.

All the best in getting out and starting afresh

What's your housing arrangement OP, do you co own or rent?
Personally I'd get him arrested and get some kind of restrictions on him returning to the house to give you some breathing space. Why should you be struggling in hotels when you've done nothing wrong. Find your anger!

OP, I feel so sorry for you.
He has viciously assaulted you. You are very wrong to stop him from being arrested. Cancer does not protect him from committing a crime and facing the consequences. You really need to put yourself first. Cancer hasn't forced him to be an abusive arsehole, he has form. Please protect yourself and reach out for support from agencies. Any shame is all HIS.

What's worst, I am deeply embarrassed by the situation. I feel ashamed to find myself in this place

@CoCoaButter85 You have absolutely no reason to be embarrassed - but I know exactly what you mean. I was embarrassed when I was in a similar situation to you - it was partly the embarrassment that actually stopped me seeking help and leaving, which seems ridiculous now. Don't make the same mistake that I did.

You are being incredibly strong. Whatever happens with your husband's mental health/drinking/cancer treatment, please don't consider going back to him. He has smashed up your home, verbally abused you and hit you (I know you say it was a 'slap' but please don't minimise this) and he will do the same again at some point.

Sending all my love and strength to you.

OP report all your credit cards as lost now, so that he cannot spend on them whilst you figure out next steps. Protect your finances now as much as you can.

It’s hard to shut off emotions but you must steel yourself against him. He does not deserve your emotions, support or time in any way. Yes cancer is shit but his actions are inexcusable and you owe him nothing. Is there anyone at work you could speak to? You need all the support you can get right now and keeping this to yourself will make you feel isolated and more likely to want to return to him as your only source of connection which you absolutely must not do. He has shown you who he is, believe him. You are not responsible for him in any way, you owe him nothing.
does your work have an employee helpline? They’re confidential and often can provide free legal advice and counselling. Best of luck

OP have you reached out to women's aid for help with the process?

also if you go see the police they should help you getting him out of the house and getting a staying in place order as the divorce goes through. you will need to change the locks

Do you not realise that you and he are finished?

Look after your own interests. See the lawyer, etc.

Stop worrying about him. He's assaulted you, he needs to get lifted and face the consequences. It might do him a favour about reining himself in in future. Don't hide it

This @CoCoaButter85

What's this about he didn't hit me so he slapped me instead? He hit you in your face op. He destroyed the home, the garden, started a fight with the neighbors, terrorized you, ran around drunk with a bat, all this with no repercussions. Turn him in op! By the time you work up the nerve you may have no evidence of his horrible behavior. You are strong, I can tell by all you've been through and you still worry for others. Show him! This isn't about his diagnosis anymore, it's about an abusive relationship. You can't see it but you truly do have all the power here if you just use it. Don't let empathy be your downfall. You're in my thoughts and hope you find some help.

He assaulted you. A slap in the mouth is assult. He's abusing you. He's using his illness an excuse to lash out. His operation is his problem. DON'T PUT YOURSELF IN THE FIRING LINE AGAIN. You need to put your wellbeing first.

I would go to the doctor and the police, report him, he may be removed from the house, there is no reason you must leave, apply for an occupation order. Call womens aid. Do not go to the house without the police, collect essential things and paperwork if you do want to leave.

Yes, women's charities, especially those for dv, don't usually offer means tested support, it's support for all. Take photos of your face, if anything escalates you may wish you had. You can log the assault on 101 so its recorded, it wont take ling, ask them to flag your address in case you ever need them quickly (they may not but worth asking)

You need to report this & him smashing up the house.
He is unstable, dangerous, whether or not he is having a psychotic episode, its you who is in danger.
I would also leave, inform his family. He doesn't want your help.
Extricate yourself, you must not set yourself on fire to keep the house warm.

You absolutely need to report this - he is escalating. In one week he has gone from verbal to physical abuse where next?

There will be many people on here who live with health conditions that are long term, scary or even palliative- or they look after someone who does. Anger, frustration, worry, anxiety etc is all part of that difficult diagnosis but it does not give people the right to abuse and physically harm others.

You do not need to look after him, after his operation this may put you in harms way again. Focus on yourself right now, focus on reporting him to the police, protecting your assets, and speaking to a solicitor. Thats your focus not this god awful man!

I'm so sorry, OP.

Your priority is your safety. I'm another one saying 'report'. Abusers escalate and cancer or no cancer, he's an abuser.

That aside, you can't reasonably live in any situation where you're treading on eggshells until the next time his volatility kicks off and you end up in another hotel.

and solidarity to you.

So sorry you're having to go through this OP.

Last week it was verbal abuse, this week it's physical abuse, what happens next time you see him. You need to report this to the police, even if you feel you're being unnecessary as there isn't much bruising.

This needs. to be reported! I say this because they will then put a flag on you and the house, so if he does kick off again, they will be round immediately, it will also help the living situation for you. You could look at a long-term Airbnb?

Get photos of the bruising. Press charges. Do this to empower yourself and then future potential partners who get red flags from him can do a Clare’s Law search.