WWYD - husband loosing his grip on things after cancer diagnosis

@CoCoaButter85

You state that you really have to place to go, but does he? I mean like friends/family who would take him in?

Given that you have filed a report with the police, would you be able to get an occupation order so HE has to find somewhere else to live? Yes, I understand the cancer diagnosis, but if he has people who will take him in, let him go there.

As far as his 'goodbye email', I would contact the police (999?) and say that he has made a suicide threat. Either he will be taken somewhere for MH help or (if he's toying with you) it should scare the shit out of him that the police ended up on his doorstep and hopefully stop him from being manipulative in that way.

When my DH was first diagnosed his first and only thoughts were for me and wanting to be sure that I would have a 'smooth transition' (his term) if he were to die. Luckily enough his type of cancer was treatable and they caught it early. But he was honestly more upset at the idea that he might leave me 'in a mess' than the actual thought he might die. I do love that man!

This is emotional abuse whether he is ill or not.
Have you spoken to women's aid?

You need to go into a refuge and get the police to accompany you to retrieve your belongings. Stop worrying about him and worry about yourself instead. He slapped you across the face and threw you out of the house! Don't ever worry yourself about that knobhead again.

I would contact his gp or crisis team, he's not being rational and this is really affecting your mental health too.

This might be of help with thinking things through
https://www.separatespace.co.uk/
just heard about it on a podcast, currently offering a discount of 20% with code ‘everything20’

please phone one of the womens aid charities and ask their advice. They can recommend solicitors and benefits or places to stay.

@CoCoaButter85

How did you go about getting your belongings back?

Phone the police and they will send someone round with you to stay whilst you pack up some stuff

divorce specialist

It's not your duty and you are not a bad person. Who does he think is going to look after him, he said he wants a divorce so he needs to start looking for support from medical professionals, charities, support groups himself. Maybe you would want to go to his appointments but you have a lot going on and it's hard to think straight. You can't reason with him while he's so volatile, what's he doing about his mood and outbursts.

Sometimes you just have to let someone go. Come what may. Ten years is a long time of being together, and to just let go and watch someone ruin themselves and their life is unimaginably hard. You are probably also always thinking "well what if it was me? Wouldn't I want him there? To stick it out through my worst?" After the drunken bat incident, I probably would have stayed. He lost it. Ok well never again. He's done it again now, but escalated to hitting you. You can't help him anymore, you'll just destroy yourself in the process. No one deserves that. You've been through counseling and here he still is.

I booked an appointment (paid) with a solicitor and she talked me through my options and the processes. I found it very helpful to be informed.

Women's aid may be able to help with a list of solicitors that will advise for free.

In similar circumstances I was at a hotel for a few days then booked an airbnb which helped me feel more settled.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Stay safe.

You should qualify for legal aid because of the abuse. Google family solicitors and the name of your local area and you should get a list
of companies you can try. In terms of next steps I think you need to secure accommodation, even if it’s temporary accommodation as a lodger while you get your ducks in a row
and find something more permanent. Once you’ve got accommodation arrange for the police to accompany you to the home to collect all of your possessions. If necessary you can always get a storage locker, but I wouldn’t leave anything behind. Once you’ve got the support of a dv worker they should help you to emotionally process all this trauma. You can also see if you have an iapt service in your area you can self refer yourself to, and if they have any upcoming courses on self esteem, as yours will likely be in tatters at the moment. If you google the freedom programme you’ll also find a great course you can do online. I’d also open up to any family or friends you have, as the more support you have in your life the better, and the more people who can form part of a safety plan the better.

absolutely no reasoning. please please stay away from him OP. the violence will only escalate.

i think women's aid has a list of solicitors they can provide for you. but shop around before choosing one as a good one will make all the difference. also if you know anyone who has been through divorce, might be worth asking for recommendations?

I think everyone that's read your thread feels like they have a dog in this fight. Do you truly love him so much? Or is it a personal feeling of responsibility towards someone you used to love that keeps you caring for his well-being? Taking steps to freeze eggs says you want children. Don't be his mummy. Your future dc need you for that.

For dv cases you may qualify for legal aid. A dv charity will advise you.

He's turning his hate at himself and the situation on to you. All his rage and unresolved feelings get spent on you, like a young child would. He doesn't hate you, he hates himself and the hand he's been dealt, but you are an easier target to confront right now. Abusing you gets him back in control.

Don't ever feel ashamed or embarrassed. I would talk to your manager in confidence, can you get a few days off to clear your head. I would call the bank, report your cards lost and get a replacement and new pin. Please take the police advice and dont go back to the house without them, it's just not safe. I know it's going round and round in your head, you have sported him, you need to look after yourself now and he can seek help himself if he really wants to.