WWYD - husband loosing his grip on things after cancer diagnosis

Hi OP, I saw your thread when you first posted and caught up with your updates today. So sorry things haven't improved for you and he has now physically assaulted you. I can't imagine the anguish you are going through right now. Please remember that your own physical and mental wellbeing is most important. Please stay safe xx

"To torture me even more he now has written a goodbye email saying I should give some of his assets to his best friends. It's torturing".

Don't let yourself be tortured by this - better to distance yourself and try to let professionally trained people deal with him.
This may seem harsh but it's better that there is not a child involved in this situation - you have enough to deal with as it is.
I hope that one day you can look back on this and be glad it is in the past.

@CoCoaButter85 I think you could tell his cancer nurse as the may be able to get help sorted for him much more easily than gp. also cancer nurses are used to patients having all sorts of mental health fall outs following diagnosis.

but please don't get involved beyond that. your own safety and mental health comes first

I'm so sorry you're being put through this.

The cancer is a side issue - the point is he is abusing you, physically, verbally, emotionally. This is who he is, not who you thought he was. And it's the fantasy him you're clinging on to loving.

Please tell your manager, or HR - anyone at work you trust. Everything reads as though this is something shameful, something to be hidden. And this is how abusers have always kept their victims under control.

They need to know so they can support you. Having someone in real life on your side will help. They may have an employee assistance programme - legal advice, counselling, advances on salary if you need to arrange more accommodation, maybe even arrange for someone to always be with you when you go home, collect things, have meetings with him to discuss future plans etc. Don't go alone. He's already broken the boundaries and hit you. Yes, slapping is hitting, is violence, is assault.

If you have a joint account it might be wise to take exactly half and put it in a separate account, as you'll have expenses.

Please read the image below

Thank goodness you don't have children with this man.

Throw him away and live your life free of a man like this.

I think you should consider taking a couple of days off work to get yourself sorted. You have so much on your plate, no employer would begrudge you some time to get some stuff organised

You can't spend 24 hours a day sorting his life out, you need to put yourself first. He can access help himself, he can give assets to his friends, he can go to the doctor and call the nurse. He sounds so wound up in anger and hatred that he can't get out oif now and is on self destruction . I would call his gp or cancer nurse and say you have had to leave because of his behaviour just to let them know that. I wouldn't respond to emails or messages. If this is affecting your work would a day off help and a talk to your own gp.

It's good you have a plan. I hope women's aid help.

saying I should give some of his assets to his best friends

That indicates he is planning on doing something to himself. You need to contact an ambulance/mental crisis, and at least let his family know. Even let these best friends know.

I don't know where you are but there will be local charities that can help you. If West Sussex, My Sisters House, Worth and Safe in Sussex will be able to give you immediate support. They will do a risk assessment and potentially give you an option to put you into emergency accommodation for now until you have been able to get yourself sorted.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP

I work in DA and this is a standard tactic amongst those in abusive relationships I am sorry to say

Sounds like his self-sabotage process has kicked in and uses drink to cope but also as an excuse to treat you poorly. Later on he will likely feel guilty and drink to make those feelings go away, then take it out on you again.

You have a choice to continue the way you are, or do something about it for yourself. Unfortunately there is a possibility that with him not having anyone to take it out on he may spiral even more but - that is not your problem and you have to think about yourself. Good luck

Well done, that can't be easy to think through when you're tired let alone when you've had a shock and are trying to get your head around what's happenning. I'm not surprised you're feeling vulnerable.

Something else that occurred to me is money and are things like your email and bank accounts secure. But I'm sure womens aid will be able to advise you as well as giving you some support. I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight.

I know it must be very difficult to ignore this, but please remember that he chose to behave this way and assault you. Him contacting you like this is emotional control. He could chose to get help if he's feeling that low - I know from experience that's really tough to do but there's help out there in various forms. He's chosen not to do that but try and manipulate you instead. Another way of looking at it, and this is very blunt, is that he could've made his wishes known about leaving things to his friends in other ways if he was serious.

As others have suggested, contact the police for a welfare check if you're worried / it would make you feel easier. And speak to womens aid again if you can. Wishing you all the best and strength.

In my specific situation I did not want to be on the house with my DD as I knew it wasn't very secure and he could come in easily.

I personally preferred to be staying at hotels/airbnbs and he didn't know where we were.

We collected some of our stuff when he was out at work (he works about an hour's drive away).

That was enough for a few weeks and then the rest was sorted by negotiation some time later.

You can ask the police to accompany you as well.

I don't know, but might you be able to get an occupation order? Why should he keep the house?

Please contact them again. The advice and support they can give is amazing. I really think you should be looking at getting him arrested and looking at getting an occupation order. He is in the wrong 100% and you have done nothing wrong.

And if I don't make sure he's looked after now when going to cancer treatment I am just being bad person.

You HAVE to change your narrative around this.

Not being a carer for somebody who has abused and assaulted you and made it VERY clear that they both hate you and are a threat to your safety is NOT being a bad person.

I'd also argue that forcing yourself on somebody who doesn't want your help or even for you to be around them, even if they have nobody else, isn't ethical either.

If he wants to burn the only bridge he's got, you don't try to wrestle the matches out of his hand while the place is engulfed in flames, you get off the damn bridge and stay out of harm's way.

Have you still got your key? The operation is pretty soon now. Arrange with the police and some friends or hire a man with a van to go to the house when you know he will be at the hospital and move your things out then.

In the meantime protect your digital assets. Change passwords, move money into an account he doesn't have access to. Ask women's aid, they probably have a list. BE PROACTIVE.

You don't need to be ashamed - he does. Stop finding excuses for this selfish AH. He is drowning in self pity and the best thing you can do is jolt him out of it. Press charges for assault and force him into a psychiatric assessment via welfare check. Recognise that you cannot sort his issues - and being his punch bag helps neither of you. You sound a really nice, caring person. This is not what is needed. Get angry and accept that whatever he does is down to him - not you