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WWYD - husband loosing his grip on things after cancer diagnosis

361 replies

CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 13:01

So husband got diagnosed with prostate cancer and having an operation in a month's time. He is late 40's I'm late 30's. As unfortunate as it is, I thought we discussed, we cried and I thought we were at the place where things were fine.

However, he completely started loosing his mind. Drinking himself into coma, smashed the chair around the house breaking it as well as damaging the floor and just making mess all over While all this time shouting and swearing. He's not engaging with me, responds in swear words. He had similar things happened to him in the past, went and found help and was coping really well until now.

To make matters even worse. He was supposed to do sperm freezing and we are due to have egg collection late next week. I have no idea if any of this is going to happen. I'm certainly going ahead with the treatment and freeze my own eggs if hr doesn't get a grip by then.

I just don't know what to do. Trying to talk to him is pointless. I just keep on carrying on with work and having some sort of normality as all he does just drinks and screams abuse after (not at me, just to the world in general)

OP posts:
KreedKafer · 10/05/2024 13:25

He is not a bad guy

OP, I’m really sorry, but yes, he is.

A good guy does not react to stress by getting hammered, trashing the house and abusing his wife. That isn’t normal. It is very much ‘bad guy’ behaviour.

It’s normal for a cancer diagnosis to affect someone’s mental health and mood. It’s not normal for a cancer diagnosis to turn someone into an abusive alcoholic who deliberately makes his partner’s life a misery. Can you seriously imagine a future with someone who does this every time you go through something tough as a couple? It’s awful, awful behaviour and there is no excuse for it. There just isn’t.

QuestionableMouse · 10/05/2024 13:25

He needs MH help, and quickly. I'd phone his GP and tell them what's going on, asking for a home visit.

CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 13:22

@siameselife - I have deadlines I need to deliver against at work so need to stay out throughout the day today. But could potentially look for something to book during the weekend

@Josette77 - I do understand that it is painful for him and he's going through a lot. But I feel by staying here and even cleaning after his mess (I did sort out the kitchen and the garden yesterday night) I'm just saying to him that it is ok for him to do whatever he likes.i even made him a sandwich for lunch just now and he told me 'fuck you'

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Bumblebeeinatree · 10/05/2024 13:20

He's obviously not coping with the diagnosis, does he think he's going to die imminently? Could you get him to talk to a Macmillan nurse? Prostate cancer is bad, but if he's been diagnosed early he could well be fully cured and the operation these days tries to preserve function. My DH was diagnosed a number of years ago and although his cancer is not curable, it is controlled and hopefully will be for years to come.

Can you try to talk positively to him in a lucid moment. If he turns up drunk and belligerent at the hospital they won't treat him.

Josette77 · 10/05/2024 13:17

You need to leave. A cancer diagnosis doesn't mean you get to be abusive.

Do not have kids with this man. He will drink and abuse you both.

siameselife · 10/05/2024 13:14

I would move out for the moment. By staying you are saying that it is okay for him to treat you like this.

CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 13:13

@siameselife - I'm afraid I'm coming to realization that having a child with him is not a good idea.

I don't think it's down to him being an alcoholic. It's down to him not being able to cope with stressful situation. He has been on 6months intensive therapy. Was doing well, learned the strategies but it's clearly not working for him

OP posts:
CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 13:11

His usual go to solution is to drink when faced with huge stress. He went and sought help (which I organized) and was doing really well with the treatment etc. Started taking medication etc. so things were looking good.

He is not a bad guy and I appreciate what a horrible situation it is to be in. However, it's no excuse to treat me the way he does.

Apart from waiting through it, I seriously don't know what I can possibly do. It is scary. (What if he won't let me back in the house if I need to go out etc etc)

OP posts:
siameselife · 10/05/2024 13:09

The first thing to do is to stop trying to have a child with him, although that doesn't impact you freezing your eggs.
You don't have to stay with an abusive alcoholic regardless of their health.
Maybe reach out to a support group for the family of alcoholics?

Mumtoboys82 · 10/05/2024 13:05

OP as awful as your DH's situation is, it's no excuse for this violent behaviour. Does he have a mental health diagnosis? Does he usually drink to excess, get aggressive or is this a new thing?

CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 13:03

The problem is, he has no friends and family that could help him. I'm his only one and biggest cheerleader and he is treating me really badly. I don't have anyone I could go to for a while. But could rent myself a hotel, air b&b or something like that. But given he has operation soon I feel I should just stick with it

OP posts: