WWYD - husband loosing his grip on things after cancer diagnosis

Don't engage with him, just call 999 for an ambulance and the police, get your keys, phone, wallet and leave if its safe to go downstairs. When it all settles down contact his gp and crisis team if he has mh support in the past. It doesn't matter if he smashes things in the house, they are justbe,longings, personal safety for you both is the priority.

I know an awful lot of people living with a cancer diagnosis, including me. I've been through op, chemo, radio. Now on long term treatment. Friend's husband has been through treatment for prostate cancer as has my BIL. Two friends are being treated for bowel cancer. My mum died from breast cancer, as did a friend aged 35. I've met a lot of people braver than me, at the MacMillan centre.

I do not know a single person who has behaved this way. OP, get yourself to a place of safety with the assistance of the police if necessary.

If he is running round with a baseball bat then you need to call an ambulance and the police, yes. Tell them your husband is having a mental breakdown and he has a baseball bat. This is terrifying. Can you get out at all?

He’s in shock. He needs support, so I’d forget about eggs and sperm, and just support him.

A Cancer diagnosis rocks your world.

I think his reaction is scary and he needs help, now. It would be good of you to call his doctors right now and explain the situation. But I don't think you should stay with him - I don't think you would be safe. He actually sounds like he is having a breakdown.

What you wrote here jumped out at me:

'As unfortunate as it is, I thought we discussed, we cried and I thought we were at the place where things were fine.'

This shows a staggering lack of empathy on your part. Nothing excuses him drinking and smashing things up and swearing, btw. But do you seriously think it's all 'fine' when he's about to have a cancer op?

My father has always been like this. Anything serious comes up, he gets absolutely wasted. He's in his 60s now. I would not have a child with a person like that op. You'll be left holding everything together everytime there's a crisis, which is doubly hard with a child. And all their memories of difficult times will be of you dealing with dad because he's slopped off in a corner somewhere.

If you do decide to leave, make sure you send him an email outlining reasons so he can’t later say you abandoned him heartlessly. It might even bring him to his senses although he doesn’t sound like the type of person you need to be investing your time with. I hope he has a good outcome and I hope you have a much better future than one with him!

In terms of the drinking, I do think it's important to get a handle on it. Tell him that you understand that he is stressed, but drinking is not going to improve his surgery outcomes or recovery, let alone if he needs follow up treatment. It's also not going to improve the quality of any sperm he's providing, and if that transpires to be his one shot to have a child of his own it would be helpful if they were as strong and healthy as possible to start with.

Do you honestly think a man in the state OP is describing is going to be receptive to any of that, @Catopia?

Moving out could be the shock he needs to change himself. My husband was abusive during his first two cancer treatments - not to the extent of your DH, but not nice nonetheless. Our marriage had been bad for some time in our situation though. It was when he started telling our two DDs (20 and 22 at the time and still at home) to "fuck off out of it" that I decided enough was enough. The three of us moved out and left him to it. It shocked him to the core and he acknowledged for the first time that his behaviour was unacceptable. Long story short, husband now had a secondary cancer all through his spine, pelvis, and now skull and it's terminal, palliative care only. I've moved back to be his carer as he has no-one else and, although it's hell for me, he is actually appreciative of the support and isn't nasty any more. You need to give him a clear message that you will not put up with his abuse, cancer or not.

He had similar things happened to him in the past

Can you clarify what you mean by “happen to him”? Because this isn’t happening to him, this is him actively choosing to do it.

If someone is facing a diagnosis like this it is very unlikely they will have a cry and then move on.

His feelings are going to keep coming out as he moves through the process - it's a real rollercoaster.

Sounds like he has exceptionally bad mechanisms for coping with stress. Drinking isn't uncommon but if he then gets angry and smashes stuff up he isn't safe to be around.

In your shoes I would sort out a back up place where you can go at very short notice if necessary, a friends, or maybe a hotel, keep a bag packed so you can leave at very short notice if necessary.

You don't have to but if you can it is worth sitting down when he is not drunk and explaining the situation and saying that if you think you are in danger you will be leaving. Put it in writing after the conversation as well.

I'm sorry.

This is abuse. He thinks he can get away with it because you will feel guilty if you leave him when he's ill. Don't put up with it - being ill is not a reason or an excuse for being abusive.

Is there a Maggie's Centre at your cancer hospital? They are brilliant for this kind of support.

He needs to get it out but this is not the way to do it. I would get in touch with his Macmillan nurse, and possible Prostate Cancer UK - both provide excellent support after diagnosis and to families.

I would personally go ahead with the fertility treatment anyway - at least with his side of it, and presumably you have now got as far as taking all of the hormones and whatever for your part of the egg retrieval process? Maybe keep at least some separately for now though. It may be that his response is in part because of this and the worry and fear that this is creating for you as well that is impacting on him. It's normal to feel quite hopeless and impotent in this situation, and feel like you have no control over what is happening to you and that the rest of your life may look very different to what you had always imagined.

In terms of the drinking, I do think it's important to get a handle on it. Tell him that you understand that he is stressed, but drinking is not going to improve his surgery outcomes or recovery, let alone if he needs follow up treatment. It's also not going to improve the quality of any sperm he's providing, and if that transpires to be his one shot to have a child of his own it would be helpful if they were as strong and healthy as possible to start with.

My mum put my dad on a health kick after he was diagnosed with cancer - did both of them the world of good not only physically but mentally because they felt like they were in control of something and taking positive steps that could improve the outcome, and exercising together burned off some of the stress and anxiety that they were feeling.

I'm on my second cancer in two years and I'm probably not going to survive but am I drinking my own weight in alcohol or destroying the house in anger? Nope. Am I abusing my partner? No I am not.
Regardless of how he feels a decent person does not behave in this way and you've been a bloody saint so far. You made him a sandwich and he said "Fuck you"? How long until he uses those fists on you? Do you think that that won't happen? I would bet good money on you not thinking that he'd smash up furniture and wreck your house.
He's not doing these things because of the huge amount of stress he's under - he's doing it because he's given himself permission to do it.
You need to stop thinking about having a child with this person (I can't say man) and get yourself to a place of safety. You can't keep on picking up the pieces for him, smoothing things over and making it better because deep down he doesn't want that does he?

My DH had cancer in his early 40s. Everyone reacts differently but I think it's important to feel comfortable acknowledging to yourself that while this is obviously very hard for him it is hard for you too.

I was going to suggest you both go to Maggie's and see if there's someone he could talk to, until I read that he's already having therapy. I'm still going to say you should go to Maggie's and have a chat with someone about how you're feeling and get some strategies in place for supporting him while keeping your own head above water. DH had excellent counselling through them but I also had some reassuring chats and cups of tea with the staff at ours. There's something about knowing you're not the only person going through it, and that the world continues to turn, that really helped me.

This is assuming supporting him is what you want to do of course. I think in your position I'd want to know he knew his behaviour wasn't fair on you and was actively seeking to address it with his therapist. I'm not going to tell you what to do but I will say someone told me not long after DH was diagnosed that cancer is one of those things that can make or break a relationship.

Exactly this.

My dad has had cancer twice in the past four years. He is not great at dealing with emotions and it definitely affected him. He was quite grumpy and difficult to be around sometimes but he NEVER abused my mother like your partner is abusing you. His behaviour is unacceptable.

You can be unwell/disabled AND an abuser. You deserve better and should leave him.

After your last message I think I would leave now. It will only get worse after he's had the op and really has something to moan about! You don't want to be having to try to look after a mean, self indulgent, post operative, drunk.

He hasn’t lost his mind. He’s given himself permission to be abusive because he thinks he’s got a good enough reason. Stop supporting someone who is abusing you. You’re not his punch bag.