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Original poster

WWYD - husband loosing his grip on things after cancer diagnosis

361 replies

CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 13:01

So husband got diagnosed with prostate cancer and having an operation in a month's time. He is late 40's I'm late 30's. As unfortunate as it is, I thought we discussed, we cried and I thought we were at the place where things were fine.

However, he completely started loosing his mind. Drinking himself into coma, smashed the chair around the house breaking it as well as damaging the floor and just making mess all over While all this time shouting and swearing. He's not engaging with me, responds in swear words. He had similar things happened to him in the past, went and found help and was coping really well until now.

To make matters even worse. He was supposed to do sperm freezing and we are due to have egg collection late next week. I have no idea if any of this is going to happen. I'm certainly going ahead with the treatment and freeze my own eggs if hr doesn't get a grip by then.

I just don't know what to do. Trying to talk to him is pointless. I just keep on carrying on with work and having some sort of normality as all he does just drinks and screams abuse after (not at me, just to the world in general)

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 10/05/2024 16:35

Please get out of there as soon as he falls asleep. Pack a few essentials and keep safe. Do not stay in this situation a second longer than you need to

Original poster
CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 16:33

@GoawaySunrise that's exactly what he's doing. He acknowledges that and a big part of his therapy was exactly that. To help him with it. But it clearly hasn't worked. Or he simply has chosen for it not to work

OP posts:
Original poster
CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 16:31

At home in my office in front of my laptop. I'm not sure why but he's not coming to engage with me. Just seems to be keeping me out of all this. It doesn't help that in our house you can hear everything (it's not even that I can go to the bathroom easily because he will hear it and will come after me).

I take into consideration everything that has been said but I really prefer to leave at night/early hours in the morning when he cannot hear me. And if comes to worst will simply call police to help me get out of here.

Plus I need to pack at least fr a week or so as no idea when will be able to get back and take with me all IVF medication.

Arrggh.. it's such a shitty place to be. He was doing so well. Raising money for charity, he was working well with his therapy course and all of a sudden everything can be just wiped away. Running around the house like a lunatic. At least he's not doing anything to me/ just letting me be instead

OP posts:
ChangeAgain2 · 10/05/2024 16:29

I would do the egg collection and freezing but I wouldn't inseminate them with his sperm. If you have frozen embryos you need both consent to their use. If you're leaving then inform the clinic that he might make a scene because he'll know where you are and at what time.

I'm sorry youre feeling unsafe. I think you need to prioritise what stuff is important like your ID and sentimental to get. The rest of it can be replaced. You just need to get out safely.

TeaGinandFags · 10/05/2024 16:17

You're doing the right thing, OP.

Tell us how you're getting on as we're right behind you and want to know that you're safe.💐

Halfheadhighlights · 10/05/2024 16:15

CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 15:54

I did call his gp in the past (he had mental health crisis in the past but no so extreme) and he later blamed me for ruining his GP record by doing this.

Thank you for all the suggestions. Good to know police can help me while I pack.

Sorry I am just catching up with the updates. Hope you’re ok, you’re doing the right thing xx

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/05/2024 16:12

You need to email a trustworthy friend and tell them to call 999. You need an ambulance and the police but definitely the police before the ambulance.

You need to lock yourself in that room somehow. What a horrible situation for you. You must be terrified.

iambrianandsoismywife · 10/05/2024 16:10

Yes - Cancer diagnosis is scary

I've just had one - and been given a small chance of survival

does that give me the right to abuse people, and threaten/smash things?

no it doesn't.

get out as soon as you can.

this is being used as an excuse for being a complete barsteward

gamerchick · 10/05/2024 16:04

Next time he picks up something like a bat and starts smashing stuff up. Ring the police to come and take him. They'll take him to a place of safety until he calms down.

TraitorsGate · 10/05/2024 16:01

You don't need to pack much, just personal things, change of clothes which you can do now and put in a cupboard. If the police and ambulance come it may be him that's removed, you may not need to leave. why can't you go downstairs at the moment.

MothralovesGojira · 10/05/2024 16:00

That's good news @CoCoaButter85
You are in a highly dangerous situation but it's also very worrying that he's taken it outside as well. It is quite possible that he's been seen and reported by someone else already so the police may turn up so be prepared and do not, whatever you want to do, cover up for him. He needs professional help now.

JanglingJack · 10/05/2024 15:59

Oh bless you, yes definitely the police will definitely help. Good luck and know you are doing the right thing.

JanglingJack · 10/05/2024 15:57

Without sounding harsh, but having been through similar as the drinker and the diagnosed...

He's got the perfect excuse to drink. That's all it is, an excuse, a green card. He doesn't care about the cancer, he doesn't care about you or future children. He cares that he's been given the best excuse ever to hit the drink again.

Leave him. It will be tough because he has the best manipulative cards to play.

He's not going to change. I'm sure that even if he gets getter, the stress of having children will be the next excuse.

I wish him good health and you - the life you deserve, which is better than this situation.

Original poster
CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 15:54

I did call his gp in the past (he had mental health crisis in the past but no so extreme) and he later blamed me for ruining his GP record by doing this.

Thank you for all the suggestions. Good to know police can help me while I pack.

OP posts:
Hopingforno2in2024 · 10/05/2024 15:51

If you are scared to speak on the phone you can dial 999 and then press 55.

TraitorsGate · 10/05/2024 15:48

He is abusing you, he is swearing and being aggressive and you said its not safe to go downstairs or use a phone even when he's outside emptying the bin. who is going to clean the cars up, youre lucky no one else has called the police. Why wait until the inevitable next time when you both need help now. I wouldn't push for the sperms freezing, whatever is happening to him physically and mentally is clearly causing him a severe reaction. Your choice of course but you don't need to speak to 999, it canbe done without any chance of being overheard

MothralovesGojira · 10/05/2024 15:47

You need to dial 999 now. If you are unable to speak then follow what the call handler asks you to do (such as cough, tap etc) and they'll take it from there. You are not safe and neither is anyone else at the moment. Please?

MNHQ
PipMumsnet · 10/05/2024 15:44

We're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ
💐

Domestic Violence Support Webguide | Mumsnet

A guide to information and services related to domestic violence. Find reliable organisations and support services here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/i/domestic-violence-webguide

Halfheadhighlights · 10/05/2024 15:44

He needs mental health support ASAP.

please speak to consultant or Gp for help with this. I hope you have plenty of support too

Octavia64 · 10/05/2024 15:40

Ring the police.

If he has been running around with a baseball bat call 999. They will stay while you pack.

I have had to do this unfortunately. The police will help.

Potentialmadcatlady · 10/05/2024 15:33

Don’t be a statistic OP. Get out now and if you can’t ring police and if you can’t email someone who can ring them for you… don’t just do nothing.. it won’t work

Original poster
CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 15:29

Just a quick update. His cancer is not spread. Most likely the prostate will be cut out and he will live a happy and long life. Of course, recovery is going to be hard but by no means he's dying (we don't know for sure but doctors gave really good prognosis).

He seems to have calmed down now (only poured out veggie bin contents on a a couple of cars outside) so I really hope he will not go mental again.

I don't think it would be safe for me to go downstairs nor to talk on the phone at the moment. He is not threatening or abusing me directly. I think I will just stay put for now and get ready when it is safe to do so

I am in the middle of treatment already (pumped up with injections etc so no point cancelling now after all the money and effort I invested into this)

OP posts:
Sunbird24 · 10/05/2024 15:29

https://www.police.uk/pu/contact-the-police/report-a-crime-incident/

You can report online as well if you’re worried about him hearing you call

AnnaMagnani · 10/05/2024 15:26

If he's running around downstairs with a baseball bat call the police now.

siameselife · 10/05/2024 15:25

Yes OP, if you have a man running around your house with a baseball bat and you feel unsafe then call the police.
Cancer is a very scary and stressful disease but it doesn't cause people to behave in this way. This is a choice that he is making.

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