WWYD - husband loosing his grip on things after cancer diagnosis

Others have said it but I wanted to say it like this: this is his sad and unfortunate but yes mentally unstable reaction to a stressful event.

Having kids is a prolonged, extremely physically and emotionally challenging event. Yes there are joys and usually for most a deep sort of love they’ve never before experienced, but it definitely brings out the worst in us all at times.

in a way you could be grateful you’ve found out in the Nick of time. Although of course it’s sad for you and you’ll likely go through a mourning period.

font know his health history but at his age, if he’s not boozing, his prognosis would be fairly good for that cancer.

Maybe support him from a friend’s house if you want to, with messages and calls even if he ignores you, or if you love him, and if he’ll let you, but be clear about your boundaries for contact (i.e. no booze, no abusive language, no destruction of property)

Depending on what they find when they take you to the house:

If he is obviously a danger to himself or others they may arrest him or take him to hospital for mh input. This is paperwork and takes time so they will prefer not to unless they have to.

The protocol when I called them seemed to be to make sure that one party or the other left the house with an overnight bag and stayed away until things had calmed down. They will record any injuries etc and will split up and speak to you both separately and then switch to confirm the accounts.

They are very good at keeping you safe.

Please make sure you have no tracking on your phone (do you normally track eachother?) please check this for your safety

good luck

@CoCoaButter85 I think he will be arrested tbh and taken away probably under custody to be admitted to hospital. so you might be able to stay at home. however, you need to think of a LT solution for once he is discharged. personally for me this relationship would he 100% over.

You said you're going to the petrol station.

Well ....

When you get there, ask for tbe police and explain that your daren't go home. Ask to go to a back room and I promise that they'll look after you.

He gave you plenty of good reasons to call 999 earlier on today. And don't worry about your meds. Youll be able to collect him when they cart him away. Failing that, the police will sort dome out for you.

Please, please ask for help. This situation is untenable and he needs to be restrained for his own good, let alone yours.

I’d assume they take him in and perhaps send him to hospital? So you may have the house to yourself tonight?

You need to be very clear to him about your boundaries and that you cannot be treated like that

Take time as you need it.

Focus on your needs - food, loo, take time to sit in a coffee shop or similar and calm down.

Pharmacies will do emergency meds if necessary - I once left all of mine behind in a holiday and they rang my surgery from over a hundred miles away and then gave me what I needed.

Sounds like he is in crisis so a good time to stay away.

Do you have a friend or a premier inn you can go to overnight?

Cancel work stuff unless it is life or death important - compassionate leave if necessary.

I'm sorry.

Hopefully by now you have called the police. I have had reason to speak to our local mental health team about someone in the past, and they advised that if someone is in a crisis and an immediate danger to themselves and/or others then ringing 999 is the only thing to do.

Obviously he shouldn’t be abusing you!! A cancer diagnosis or not.

He needs help mentally. Has he been offered to see a phycologist? He’s not coping with his diagnosis. I know that’s no excuse for his behaviour. He needs to stop drinking also. Plus know one actually knows how it feels till you hear that awful diagnosis yourself. It’s the worst news you’ll hear. I was diagnosed with colon cancer last year and my moods have been awful. Taking it right out on my partner. He’s put up with a lot. I’m now having counselling sessions.

Please call the Police.

@CoCoaButter85 OP please call the police. that's the only safe way for you to go back and get your stuff. I am worried he has probably started destroying your stuff so you need to do this sooner rather than later. also he is a danger to others.

There’s lots of support, help and advice he could access
https://community.macmillan.org.uk/?&infinity=ict2~net~gaw~ar~670172451975~kw~cancer%20support%20group~mt~b~cmp~GPS_COM_GEN~ag~Community&gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIg4Ccp8qDhgMVgJKDBx1n0gw1EAAYASAAEgI5xfD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds
https://cancersupportuk.org/
https://prostatecanceruk.org/prostate-information-and-support/get-support?gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIrvjmycqDhgMV15CDBx1AsgZqEAAYASAAEgLQMPD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

A cancer diagnosis is awful but not an excuse to be abusive.
Im sorry to say that the shouting, throwing furniture, smashing things ime is the go-to behaviour for an alcoholic.
Think very carefully about staying with your husband, and having children with him.
You can also seek support from AlAnon. And any of the cancer charities will be able to support you too.

Missed your last update. Very worrying he’s switched off a camera. Please go to a friend and call the police to check on him. If he is having a MH crisis he needs professional help. Please don’t go home.

Don’t worry about the medication, just leave it. Please stay safe

Sorry, just read your update. Yes it absolutely would.

This is an abusive relationship, regardless of the circumstances. If he is smashing the furniture and making you feel unsafe in your own home, I think you should call the police. It might be a wake up call for him.

My son has a severe MH condition, my role of thumb is now if he’s a danger to himself or others/me - I don’t fuck about I ring the police and on 999. No faffing with non emergency.

he’s a danger to himself.
He’s a danger to you.
He’s a danger to any neighbours that challenge him in his behaviour in the street or the damage to their cars.

The fact the you are in fear of him and going back into the house is more than enough to warrant ringing them.

You must call and ambulance and the police

@CoCoaButter85
It sounds like he's squaring up for an actual fight which is why he's trying to antagonise the neighbours. At least if you call the police now then you may well be able to stop one or more of your neighbours getting hurt when they realise what's happening. If you act now then the police will take him in and hold him until he's sober or get him appropriate MH help but if he hurts a neighbour then he's looking at assault charges/criminal damage etc and that will be so much worse for your husband.

Please, please call the police now that you are out, he needs to be removed for your safety.

Ring out of hours for emergency meds, you won’t be the first time they’ve heard this story.

I'm amazed one of your neighbours haven't called the police as I assume they will have heard him rampaging round the house etc