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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWYD - husband loosing his grip on things after cancer diagnosis

361 replies

CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 13:01

So husband got diagnosed with prostate cancer and having an operation in a month's time. He is late 40's I'm late 30's. As unfortunate as it is, I thought we discussed, we cried and I thought we were at the place where things were fine.

However, he completely started loosing his mind. Drinking himself into coma, smashed the chair around the house breaking it as well as damaging the floor and just making mess all over While all this time shouting and swearing. He's not engaging with me, responds in swear words. He had similar things happened to him in the past, went and found help and was coping really well until now.

To make matters even worse. He was supposed to do sperm freezing and we are due to have egg collection late next week. I have no idea if any of this is going to happen. I'm certainly going ahead with the treatment and freeze my own eggs if hr doesn't get a grip by then.

I just don't know what to do. Trying to talk to him is pointless. I just keep on carrying on with work and having some sort of normality as all he does just drinks and screams abuse after (not at me, just to the world in general)

OP posts:

TraitorsGate · 10/05/2024 20:49

If you don't want to wait for the police or get a hotel can you drive yourself to a police station instead for your own safety

Bumblebee907 · 10/05/2024 20:48

He needs to grow up, 1 in two people will have cancer diagnosis and many of them are prostate cancer.

Back in the sea if he doesn't pull it together, and I say that as a cancer survivor.

ShadesofPoachedSmoke · 10/05/2024 20:45

Olivia2495 · 10/05/2024 13:26

He hasn’t lost his mind. He’s given himself permission to be abusive because he thinks he’s got a good enough reason. Stop supporting someone who is abusing you. You’re not his punch bag.

This.

His character was always there under the surface. It's coming out now because, in his mind, the cancer is a good enough reason to do all the things he likes to do (get drunk, be abusive) but knows isn't acceptable.

And then he can paint you as the Bad Wife as who would leave someone going through cancer treatment?

You don't need to accept this abuse. Look for help for you first before him.

ButterCrackers · 10/05/2024 20:42

MothralovesGojira · 10/05/2024 20:10

@CoCoaButter85
Well done for phoning the police - that must have been so hard for you.
Now sit right and wait for the police. Have you told the petrol station staff that you're waiting for the police? If not go and tell them and say why.

Agree. This is good advice. They might have a blanket or cover to keep you warm. They might be able to get you a tea. People will be kind and supportive.

TraitorsGate · 10/05/2024 20:42

Please do not go back to the house, that is really unwise. Either stay where you are or check into a hotel and let the police know. If you're worried about his mh you can ring 111 for advice. They may send someone to check on him.

dawngreen · 10/05/2024 20:41

Every one reacts differently to cancer, and you cannot say he is bad because he acts differently to how you think he should to who ever said that.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 10/05/2024 20:38

My ex used to turn to drink for stress, for everything.

I also ran round like a headless chicken organising support, which worked until it didn't.

I then also gave ultimatums and he did a complete DARVO and tried to guilt trip me for wanting to leave him when he is at his lowest.

He also drank so much he swears he can't remember all the abuse he put me through.

You can't help him process this OP. You can only help yourself. What would you want for a friend, or a daughter in this situation? Not their partners, them.

Whatever you'd want for them, do that.

timenowplease · 10/05/2024 20:37

You need to stay away from the house. You're minimising now and I don't think you realise just how dangerous a situation you're in.

Stay there and stay safe. Use the time to book a hotel room.

Original poster

CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 20:35

Still no police showed up. Called 101 they said that no unit available/ busy with emergencies. Since I am safe I am not priority. Might have to attempt to get in the property later at night. He might have sobered up by then or I might fall asleep by then. He seems to have burned himself out around 7pm yesterday. But he was absolutely hammered yesterday while today he is in a rather mental health crisis state. I think he carried on drinking throughout the day hiding it from me but can't tell for sure.

OP posts:

MothralovesGojira · 10/05/2024 20:10

Purplepeoniesdroppingpetals · 10/05/2024 20:06

Take care op. Really hope that you can get the things you need soon and find somewhere to rest.

Original poster

CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 20:00

Still waiting in a local garage for the police. They said it can take up to an hour to come to me. So let's see. I'm in a car, have no jacket just t-shirt and some yoga type of pants on. But it's okey

I hope I did the right thing. I really didn't want it to come to this but was left with no other choice. Him driving the car while intoxicated and walking around with a baseball bat was just the last drop. I already stayed throughout him smashing the chair against the kitchen floor yesterday night. Running around the kitchen shouting and throwing around garden furniture. I still think I could have done some for it not to come to this but I had no other choice

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 10/05/2024 19:57

CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 15:29

Just a quick update. His cancer is not spread. Most likely the prostate will be cut out and he will live a happy and long life. Of course, recovery is going to be hard but by no means he's dying (we don't know for sure but doctors gave really good prognosis).

He seems to have calmed down now (only poured out veggie bin contents on a a couple of cars outside) so I really hope he will not go mental again.

I don't think it would be safe for me to go downstairs nor to talk on the phone at the moment. He is not threatening or abusing me directly. I think I will just stay put for now and get ready when it is safe to do so

I am in the middle of treatment already (pumped up with injections etc so no point cancelling now after all the money and effort I invested into this)

Call the police.

(Yes, do the egg collection. But for your ownnuse later and not with him.)

mathanxiety · 10/05/2024 19:55

Sapphire387 · 10/05/2024 15:10

I think his reaction is scary and he needs help, now. It would be good of you to call his doctors right now and explain the situation. But I don't think you should stay with him - I don't think you would be safe. He actually sounds like he is having a breakdown.

What you wrote here jumped out at me:

'As unfortunate as it is, I thought we discussed, we cried and I thought we were at the place where things were fine.'

This shows a staggering lack of empathy on your part. Nothing excuses him drinking and smashing things up and swearing, btw. But do you seriously think it's all 'fine' when he's about to have a cancer op?

Bloody hell. A staggering lack of empathy?

No, she thought he had moved in from behaving like a gorilla on cocaine, a place where 99.9999999999% of people don't go after a cancer diagnosis.

mathanxiety · 10/05/2024 19:53

Next time he goes berserk, call the police.

If you don't want this behaviour, you need to stop putting up with it.

Don't have children with an unhinged, violent alcoholic. Cancel the egg collection unless you would like to use the eggs with someone else at a later date.

Stop thinking in terms of a lasting relationship with this man. There is no future for you with him.

Start going to AlAnon (for people affected by someone else's drinking). Start disengaging.

You need to start considering a future that doesn't include him and does include self respect.

Eddielizzard · 10/05/2024 19:42

Take care. Phoning the police is very wise. He sounds dangerous and unpredictable. You are absolutely doing the right thing, for everyone's safety, including his.

Gymnopedie · 10/05/2024 19:42

OP I hope you're safe. You've had a lot of good advice, I would just add do not have a baby with him. As it is you can walk away without a backward glance. If you have a child you will always have a tie to him. And if you split up and he got access - would you want a child to be subject to his current behaviour?

Nicole1111 · 10/05/2024 19:39

Have the police arranged an idva for you?

Jeannne92 · 10/05/2024 19:30

Ask his oncologist / the oncology centre for a psychologist's appointment.

TorturedPoetsDepartmentAnthology · 10/05/2024 19:29

You have been incredibly brave and I wanted to recognise that. It takes huge courage to call the police. You’ve been given some good advice so I won’t repeat it. Hope you’re safe tonight.

RheaRend · 10/05/2024 19:28

Mumtoboys82 · 10/05/2024 13:05

OP as awful as your DH's situation is, it's no excuse for this violent behaviour. Does he have a mental health diagnosis? Does he usually drink to excess, get aggressive or is this a new thing?

The diagnosis is he is struggling with trauma.

Yousay55 · 10/05/2024 19:27

What a horrible situation you’re in.
It sounds like your dh is very scared and as you said, is taking it out on everything.
Make sure you get all the support you can for yourself as it sounds so difficult.
I wish you both well.

DaftyLass · 10/05/2024 19:25

Hopefully he gets taken in to a holding cell until he Sobers up and they can charge him, giving you time to get what you need to be out for a while if needs be.
Fingers crossed everyone stays safe

Strictlymad · 10/05/2024 19:23

Hopefully the police are with you now and you can get out safely. Sending best wishes

tensmum1964 · 10/05/2024 19:17

Glad to hear that you have called the Police. Stay safe then when it's a bit calmer think seriously about ending this relationship for good.

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