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WWYD - husband loosing his grip on things after cancer diagnosis

361 replies

CoCoaButter85 · 10/05/2024 13:01

So husband got diagnosed with prostate cancer and having an operation in a month's time. He is late 40's I'm late 30's. As unfortunate as it is, I thought we discussed, we cried and I thought we were at the place where things were fine.

However, he completely started loosing his mind. Drinking himself into coma, smashed the chair around the house breaking it as well as damaging the floor and just making mess all over While all this time shouting and swearing. He's not engaging with me, responds in swear words. He had similar things happened to him in the past, went and found help and was coping really well until now.

To make matters even worse. He was supposed to do sperm freezing and we are due to have egg collection late next week. I have no idea if any of this is going to happen. I'm certainly going ahead with the treatment and freeze my own eggs if hr doesn't get a grip by then.

I just don't know what to do. Trying to talk to him is pointless. I just keep on carrying on with work and having some sort of normality as all he does just drinks and screams abuse after (not at me, just to the world in general)

OP posts:
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Mix56 · 11/06/2024 08:12

Me too, has he calmed down & realised he has pushed his only supporter out ?

therealcookiemonster · 10/06/2024 02:03

Hi @CoCoaButter85 you have been in my thoughts too. how have you been?

NZDreaming · 10/06/2024 00:53

@CoCoaButter85 just checking in. Hope you’re continuing to enjoy the peace and calm at the air bnb

JFDIYOLO · 25/05/2024 10:55

I hope you have a relaxing weekend in your safe comfortable place.

But please do photograph the bruises if you don't already have that.

And please spend time composing your Monday conversation with your line manager or HR person. Maybe you have a staff welfare person?

You're thinking very firmly about covering it with makeup, hiding it, keeping it secret in your posts.

But it needs to be shared to help you deal with it.

Maybe email your LM today asking for a meeting on Monday (not first thing in the morning), saying you've something difficult and personal to share but that you need to take the weekend to put your thoughts together and will explain when you speak.

Let them know you're going to be asking for their help and support so they can feel prepared.

You've practiced going through it with us - copying and pasting your posts will be a great starting point for you.

All the best.

alrightluv · 25/05/2024 09:33

I'm glad you're more settled. I agree mn can be really helpful when going through a crisis. It helped me years ago (different username).

noctilucentcloud · 25/05/2024 09:32

Have a lovely weekend OP

SuzySizzle · 25/05/2024 09:22

Are you sure you have no one in real life who you could contact? A friend or relative?

jolenethea · 25/05/2024 00:50

Just read the tread, so relieved to hear you're feeling settled. You seem to be incredibly strong.

siameselife · 24/05/2024 21:49

Sleep well OP.
You will get through this and thrive.

AdmittowearingCrocs · 24/05/2024 21:49

Hope you are finally able to get a good nights sleep OP. You have done the right thing removing yourself from the home and protecting yourself from further domestic abuse. Some peace and quite is just what you need to be able to plan your next steps.
Are you in a union at work? If so, you should be able to access the legal advice service they normally offer. I know Unison offers this as I belong to the union.

therealcookiemonster · 24/05/2024 21:39

CoCoaButter85 · 24/05/2024 21:38

Just a quick update. Arrived at my Airbnb. The house is simple but clean and cozy. Much better than a hotel (especially really cheap one I stayed in yesterday, it was awful!) It feels more like at home, visiting my older cousin. I feel really good and calm here. Will have a good night's sleep and plan something nice to do for myself over the weekend. Finally I feel really calm and collected. First time in the last few weeks. Bliss..

Thank you ladies for all the support. You all helped me so much when I needed it most. Regardless what people say about mumsnet, in a case of crisis it can really help you out!

so glad you feel a little at peace. things will get better.

CoCoaButter85 · 24/05/2024 21:38

Just a quick update. Arrived at my Airbnb. The house is simple but clean and cozy. Much better than a hotel (especially really cheap one I stayed in yesterday, it was awful!) It feels more like at home, visiting my older cousin. I feel really good and calm here. Will have a good night's sleep and plan something nice to do for myself over the weekend. Finally I feel really calm and collected. First time in the last few weeks. Bliss..

Thank you ladies for all the support. You all helped me so much when I needed it most. Regardless what people say about mumsnet, in a case of crisis it can really help you out!

OP posts:
TraitorsGate · 24/05/2024 20:58

You can remove yourself as nok or as a contact from any of his paperwork, gp, hospital notes etc,

goody2shooz · 24/05/2024 20:27

@Flugelb1nder - you haven’t read the bit where he hit her, yet in her last post (above yours) she is concerned about hiding her bruised and swollen lip from where HE HIT HER. However terrified of his own mortality he may be, it doesn’t excuse him smashing up their house, cursing and swearing at her, and finally smacking her across the face.
At least read all her posts before posting patronising advice.

Flugelb1nder · 24/05/2024 20:19

............

Sunbird24 · 24/05/2024 20:08

Arnica cream/gel should help reduce bruising OP, might be worth a try

CoCoaButter85 · 24/05/2024 18:00

@Mix56 - he is in no contact with his mum (for good reasons) and accidentally found out that dada passed away quite a while back now. He has a sister but no contact with her also for more than 10yrs now. So I don't think me informing them would do anything. He has a couple of good friends who live in Scandinavia. People here are more of acquaintances rather.

@TraitorsGate - no, very unlikely to hit or about at anyone. By the looks of it that's saved for me only....

There was a couple when we went on holiday abroad. After a few days wife was around with what looked like bruises on her face covered in make up. They were still together. I felt really sorry for her. If you had a face to face conversation with me you could clearly see a bruise by my lip as well. Doesn't matter what make up I use. I will have meetings with people on Tuesday, no idea how I will manage to cover that. Might have to pop into boots over the weekend get some masking make-up product.

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 24/05/2024 16:56

SoreAndTired1 · 24/05/2024 06:46

saying I should give some of his assets to his best friends

That indicates he is planning on doing something to himself. You need to contact an ambulance/mental crisis, and at least let his family know. Even let these best friends know.

No it doesn’t. It’s emotional control and right out of the abusers playbook. OP shouldn’t give it head space.

TraitorsGate · 24/05/2024 15:12

Mix56 · 24/05/2024 14:49

Have you actually told his parents whats happening ? Because if he harmed himself they would, rightly or wrongly, blame you for not alerting "someone"

Don't ever feel guilt tripped into anything, I would just let his family and nurse know you've had to leave, if they ask why you tell them he's become aggressive, angry and has hit you. Then step away, let others carry the load. You don't need to be his punchbag or only means of "support ". I bet he won't shout, swear and hit anyone else. Try and enjoy the bank holiday weekend, are there places to visit and relax where you are.

StellaAndCrow · 24/05/2024 15:07

You don't sound cruel at all, quite the reverse.

I think you would always be worried about something like this happening again.

As you said upthread, having a child would be very risky - there would be bound to be some stressful situations in life, and him reacting like this would be dangerous for you and any child.

Mix56 · 24/05/2024 14:49

Have you actually told his parents whats happening ? Because if he harmed himself they would, rightly or wrongly, blame you for not alerting "someone"

AcrossthePond55 · 24/05/2024 13:56

@CoCoaButter85

No, living with abuse is never the answer, no matter what the 'reason' behind the abuse may be. Because there is NEVER a good reason to be abusive.

I do think you need to let his treatment team know about his behaviour, for two reasons. Firstly, because it will help you to 'let go' knowing that others, professionals, are on the case. Secondly, because it will hopefully lead to him getting the help he needs.

Is there family of his that you can contact to let them know? I know if he was my son or my brother, I'd want to know even if I lived too far away to be of practical help.

You're doing so well. You may not feel it, but you really are.

TeatimeForTheSoul · 24/05/2024 12:52

Hi @CoCoaButter85
Depending on your area/service I’d also advise letting his cancer nurse know about the issues. As cancer is a challenging path services have mental health provision. Often this is from highly qualified Clinical Psychologists as it’s a specialist area. They will have experience of all sorts of reactions to diagnosis and treatment, and won’t judge.

Nchanged89 · 24/05/2024 12:10

CoCoaButter85 · 24/05/2024 11:52

I know it sounds cruel but I seriously think that I am getting myself out of a longer term trouble and misery. I would have done all I could to live with his cancer diagnosis and all of the potential side affects afterwards but living with abuse is not the way forward

Nope doesn't sound cruel at all. Sounds like you have realised you don't have to put up with behaviour like this from him.

CoCoaButter85 · 24/05/2024 11:52

I know it sounds cruel but I seriously think that I am getting myself out of a longer term trouble and misery. I would have done all I could to live with his cancer diagnosis and all of the potential side affects afterwards but living with abuse is not the way forward

OP posts:
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