When did you know it was time for divorce?

When I read this
www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/329141/too-good-to-leave-too-bad-to-stay-by-mira-kirshenbaum.

I called it before it got terrible because, like pp, I didn't want my kids to see it as the model of how relationships were meant to be.

I wrote a list as I knew it was too big a decision to make based on my current feelings.
id been having feelings of being unable to carry on for about 4 years
I’d asked twice if we could go to counselling together and he told me to go by myself (I didn’t as I knew the conclusion I’d come to and wasn’t ready to face it).

my children started making comments about him, about him not really knowing them, why did he always shout, that they preferred trips without him there

his level of self centredness and detachment from the family reached a ridiculous level and I realised I just couldn’t say anything properly as we were unable to communicate.

once I saw all the reasons written down in black and white it was confronting.

I also wrote reasons to stay but that wasn’t a very long list 😞

so I knew what I had to do.

then was a horrible couple of weeks building up the couragez

then was a horrendous few months after I told him and he had a very extreme reaction. (Control was an issue)

then the kids and I moved out as it was clear it wasn’t a good environment for them and I didn’t feel safe.

then after 15 months (2 months ago) I bought my own house and moved with the children and that’s where I’m sitting now, very very happy 😊

My actual 'enough' moment was when I woke up in the middle of the night to find he had gone out unexpectedly and without even telling me he was going. When he eventually came back I told him it was over.
It should have happened much earlier though but I didn't want to admit failure.

placemarking for later as so much of this rings true right now. I’m feeling quite down about the status quo but the steps needed to separate feel like such a big mountain to climb. And then I just get angry (internally) as separation wouldn’t even be necessary if he could just show a bit of empathy and stop being constantly critical.

When I found out he's been bonking his research assistant.

He got the divorce papers a week later.

This. Great advice.

I realised I couldn't say anything positive anymore. He came home at 5 45/6pm and from 5pm I would be on edge.
I felt on edge being around him.
Couldn't raise any issue or concern without being shut down or my opinion being ignored/not even listened to.
Dreaded the thought of my children thinking it was a healthy, happy relationship. I wanted better for them.
I wasn't telling friends/family the truth, or not telling them things because deep down I knew it wasn't good but didn't want to admit it.

When we would both breathe in to pass one another in the kitchen without touching was when I realised. I think I’d been done a good few years by then though. Best thing I ever did for me and DD was divorcing. She got to live with a happy carefree mum for the last 6 years and not with 2 ground down miserable people.

Bizarrely it was the ‘he left a cup on the side’ moment.
He had previously told me he ‘didn’t want this life anymore’ and we had tried to make it work.
One Friday I came home from work exhausted to ask where our youngest dc was. He had let him go to a friends house.
I asked him if the friends parents were being our dc home to which he replied, no I said you would go and pick them up.
I then looked out of the window and saw a line full of washing.
What’s happening with that?
Long story short ex h was going out.
He didn’t have time to bring in the (still wet ) washing. So I had to bring it in, dry it, sort it all out, dry it and put it away. Plus go out and collect our dc whilst he, yet again fucked off out leaving me to it.
All this after being at work.
I had just had enough.
The lack of thought for me.
Im not saying it was easy. It wasn’t and he made it hard.
But I don’t regret it.
I wish he gad been a better husband but he wasn’t.
Pre dcs he did housework, as much as me.
After dcs he just made life hard, like having another child to look after.

Mine dragged it out too. 9 years in the end which was far longer than we had been together for. I remember seeing other people get married, divorced and remarried in the time it took me to get divorced.
I'm sorry you went through it as well. I thought I was the only one who had an ex who continued to control by using such delaying tactics.
Got there in the end though!

When he admitted he was responsible for the other woman's pregnancy.

There was a long list of things that made our marriage very challenging in the final few years.

So many, a cycle of debt that he kept building up, thousands and thousands of pounds and I still don't know what on. After ten or so years of this I'd had enough. I had four children and by the time I had the 4th I knew it wasn't right he was unplanned and I knew he wouldn't grow up with us together. Nevertheless I continued to try and as our marriage crumbled he worked all hours Nd never helped with the kids, I ended up doing everything alone at weekends.

I had thoughts of divorce three or so years prior to ending it and having read a lot about this this is fairly typical. We tend to think things through for a long period of time as the one who ends the relationship.

The final straw for me was when he was drunk, he was an alcoholic as well and one night he physically attacked me, i left the house in the night with my baby and had no where to go. I sat in the car park in McDonald's and knew then I had to get out, but this would take time. I had 4 kids and no job as my baby was a few months. I returned home and it was never the same. I quietly planned an exit strategy and hated every day of living with him thereafter.

I got a night job working from home which gave me a bit more power and excuse never to spend any time with him in the evenings. I sought legal advise on the quiet. I enrolled on a degree and got into university.

I asked him to leave not long after and he moved into rented and we swiftly divorced.

That was in 2020 and it's taken 4 years to get to a good place.

4 years post and the three years when I was considering my options so 7 years in total of instability.

I wouldn't change my divorce. My kids are so happy, not around an alcoholic they have seen their mum graduate and get a full time professional job. They are thriving and it's so much more peaceful.

What I'm trying to say is it's rarely a snap decision but a culmination of various things over a sustained period that you finally run out of ways to fix it or have the energy to do so. So generally it takes a long time to get to that point.

3 months after getting married he beat me so bad I nearly lost baby and spent a week in hospital. I left the hospital travelled the 8 hours back to my family and area I knew and have never been back. Luckily I did meet the right one and we now have other kids and I'm very happy every day

I relate to so much that's already been said. EA, selfishness, Narcissism...but it was when he told our daughter that he wished she had never been born, then gaslighted her into thinking she misunderstood him, that I was set over the edge.

Pick on me, fine, I've learned to take it. Pick on our little girl? No, final straw. You can fuck off now.

Lord let me think, so many reasons, I had young children, no family backup and no money, so I stayed far longer than I wanted to, plus I didn't trust him with my kids, but in the end I left and lost everything

When I hated hearing his whining voice
When I avoided sex with him for 10 years, we didn't share a room and I worked nights a lot.
When he watched porn with my father and then came to tell me about it
When almost having a miscarriage on a child he didn't want but had no issue having unprotected sex with me
When he told me he wanted to screw my sister
When he accused me of sleeping with any man with a pulse
When I realised he was a gaslighter and toxic wee bugger
When I wished him dead every time he was late home from work, nope no one was listening sadly.
When I fantasised about tying a rope at the top of the stairs and seeing him dead at the bottom of the stairs
When the smell of him unwashed, wearing same clothes for weeks, never brushing his teeth made me gag
When he shagged someone else( I didn't care by then) but he caught crabs
When he had sex with me when I was so drunk I couldn't say no, still think my drink was spiked that night
When he couldn't mind his children alone without them having accidents that required hospital treatment, due to his neglect
When I found out he was recording me, following me, stalking me
Telling me my male gay pal,who was so supportive, wasn't gay, he only told people he was gay to get close to me
When he told my kids lies about me
When he told my kids they had to choose who they lived with
When he alienated my kids from me, with his lies and gaslighting
When he killed my dog, after I left him and him thinking he knew it all and left her without vet care till she died alone in the garden
Oh when he threatened suicide cos he knew I was getting close to leaving him, nah didn't think he would not even for a second

Yep he was a true gent that one, he did a lot of damage to me and my mental health, hurt a lot of people with the damage he did.

Hell when I read that all back, that's mindblowingly sad

Had been bad for a few years, various exes strolling in and out, inappropriate messaging and behaviours including someone from work etc.
Lots of arguments.
He refused to come to counselling.

But the moment I knew was when I was trying to get our 4 year old ready to go to A&E and he just lost it shouting at me and my son that I was overreacting to his symptoms etc etc with this look like he hated me …. and I just felt small.
Could not stand being in that energy anymore and having to suck it up to keep the peace.

(I wasn’t overreacting taking him to A&E btw … he had a urine infection!)

When my now ex-husband (then 31 years old) texted the lyrics to a well known John Legend song to an 18 year old.

When I started cheating and not feeling guilty

When I realised the only thing I would miss if I left was my vegetable patch

When he said he ‘didn’t think he wanted kids anymore’ I knew he was lying and he was shagging someone else! I kicked him out! He was shagging someone and she was pregnant 4 months later!

When OW husband rang me one morning to tell me they were having an affair
ExDH moved out that evening once DC were in bed - divorce itself took a while longer

When everything he does, including breathing, gives you the ick

When he dissed me in front of friends
When I was recovering from bad flu but still felt weak he went on a stag holiday to Thailand leaving the kids with me
When he carried on looking at his phone even when I was telling him that I was very unhappy in our marriage
Six years now, zero regrets. I am free and independent and enjoying finding myself again sexually. The sex between us had always been rubbish. I now know what good sex is!

When I had just given up caring, I'd tried so hard but when I realised he never would as he cared about everything and everyone except me. When I found out conclusive proof (this time) of an affair and when I just wanted more for myself then a man who rolled his eyes at me all the time and that everything I did and said was wrong.

When you have to 'psych yourself up' to ask the most basic of questions because you know it may 'annoy' him, it's time.
^^ This.

When I realised I couldn't face him being here 24/7 when he retired, just slumped in his special chair watching Top Gear or Shed & Buried for the umpteenth time.

When I realised I was sick to death being in debt because of him despite him earning decent money.

When I decided I really should speak to a GP about my suicidal thoughts and realised I didn't want to die, I wanted to escape (him).

Been together over 40 years, that's a lot of literal shit I've had to clean off the toilet bowl. I don't want to do that anymore.