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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just want to go home after work?

210 replies

ManukaNourished · 10/05/2024 11:02

I would genuinely like some outside perspectives here as I am not sure who - if anyone - is BU.

I am a single parent to one child and work full time 9.30 to 5.30. DS is 8 and attends After School Club until 6pm three days a week. The other two days my DP collect him straight from school and look after him.

Due to my commute I cannot collect him from After School Club on time, so my DP pick him up and take him back to their house.

So he is at his grandparent's house every day after school and I am very grateful for their help and support and active involvement in his life. I arrive at their house at about 6.30pm to collect him.

My DM has made it very clear that she expects me to stay and socialise with them. She gets upset and offended if I only stay for long enough to say Hi etc, then collect DS and go.

So I usually stay for at least half an hour, usually an hour or longer. It is not unusual for DS and I to get home after 8pm.

Sometimes I really want to just get straight home and be at home and relax, but I recognise DPs are massively helping me out with DS. I don't want to upset DM and have her think I am taking them for granted and just using them for childcare.

One day last week I was at their house after work and felt particularly frazzled and, thinking I was alone, I whined aloud to myself "I just want to gooooo hoooome". My DM overheard me 😳

Now she is really angry and upset with me. Is she reasonable to feel like this or am I reasonable to sometimes want to just quickly scoop up DS and leave without feeling like I am being rude?

OP posts:
TomaytoTomaato · 10/05/2024 11:34

Could you reach a compromise - suggest that one day a week you stay for a catch up but other days you pick up and head home straight away?
Would they be willing to do dinner for you so you all eat together at 6.30 on the night you stay longer?

Original poster
ManukaNourished · 10/05/2024 11:33

@Blanketpolicy Yes, DS and I often go over on weekends and spend a day with them, or we all go on days out together. It probably averages out to every other weekend.

OP posts:
alsuoo · 10/05/2024 11:32

I completely understand how you feel, but if you don't have the kind of relationship where you can have an honest conversation with your mum about this without huge negativity, the only way around it will be find alternative childcare (or to tolerate it on your mum's terms).

Soonenough · 10/05/2024 11:32

Could you have an arrangement for awhile at weekends ? Take her to lunch or tea . It is a small price to pay for good childcare . I am actually surprised she is not greeting you at the door with him to get herself some space.

LadyDanburysHat · 10/05/2024 11:30

I had this with my MIL, she asked DH if she had done something to upset me as I would collect the DC and go home. What was even more annoying is that I would make sure I stayed for a good while one day of the 3 that the DC were there, as I knew she would be like this.

Withswitch · 10/05/2024 11:24

This is the problem with free childcare, you can't really dictate the terms. I would pay for a childminder or suck up the hour at your DPs.

Blanketpolicy · 10/05/2024 11:22

Sounds like your mum just wants to see her own dd and not feel like a childminder. Have a chat with her and explain how exhausted you are working FT and commuting, and at that point your day hasn't ended as you still need to get dc home, dinner, homework, hear about their day at school and to bed and you are struggling with it all.

It feels rude to you too just picking up and running, but at that point of the day you are just so frazzled and would rather spend quality time with them when you are relaxed and will enjoy it more. Lay it on thick how import

Do you see them any time other than at pick ups?

Original poster
ManukaNourished · 10/05/2024 11:15

Thank you both. I used to work from 9 til 5 but that created a childcare problem before school.

Yes I think I will have to request flexible working and see if my employer will accept me doing reduced hours.

OP posts:
Coldupnorth87 · 10/05/2024 11:04

You need more time to yourselves, I would try to find alternative care or work pattern. Hard tho it is.

They are being unreasonable, you must both be knackered.

RhymesWithHaliborange · 10/05/2024 11:04

You really need to re-organise your childcare because both sides have a point.

of course you just want to get home, and of course your parents are doing this to feel connected to the outside world and don’t want to feel used.