To just want to go home after work?

Could you perhaps compromise and say to your parents, 'sorry mum can't stop now but let's have lunch together this weekend?'

I think they are being unreasonable tbh IF you make a good effort to spend time with them at other times, so you're not just using them for childcare. As you've said you do this at least every other weekend or so I think that's absolutely fair enough.

If they're not happy to do the childcare, which would be completely fair enough, they should tell you that and you can make other arrangements. They should surely understand you must be so tired at 6.30pm after a full day of work and commute and want to get your child home, that's not unreasonable at all.

For context my DM cared for DC1 as a baby for about two years one day a week, and now since they've started school she has them one morning for half an hour before school as well as 2 days after school for about 3hrs. She doesn't expect me or DH whoever is doing pick up to stay there. In fact I think shes actually just quite glad to see the back of us all for some peace as she is also tired by then and wants to have her dinner and to wind down.

We have always seen a lot of her outside of the childcare arrangements though of course which is super important. Like you this is at least every other weekend but in reality it's often a lot more than that because I work PT and I have our youngest off in the week a bit so often go round with them then too etc.

I understand how you feel - I’m in a very similar situation. My parents have DS before and after school everyday, which is their choice (mum got very upset at the suggestion I used paid childcare). I do go in and socialise a couple of nights a week but mostly I just want to get home! I’ve been at work all day, I’m tired and I need to decompress. I don’t think my mum gets it. She seems annoyed when I try to just grab DS and leave. I do love spending time with my Mum but I’d much rather see her at the weekend for a proper catch up when I’m not exhausted from work.

I'd try and find a compromise. I can understand they don't want to feel like they're just childminders where they look after the kids all day but don't deserve 30 mins of your time, but it's annoying getting home at 8pm all the time - I speak from experience as often do 10-12 hour days and then go to the gym (which I really don't feel like doing but keeps me from getting fat lol).

Could your DP go to your house with your son once a week. At least you are home and in your comfies then?

Can you condense your hours on the two days DP picks up so you can pick up from after school club the other 3?

That's the price you have to pay for free childcare I'm afraid.

I would sit your mum down and talk to her about it. I totally get you must be knackered and just want to pick up and go. Explain how tired you are and you need to relax in the evening for an hour or so before bed and it all start again next day. Offer to go round at the weekend so you can all spend quality time together. If you were my daughter I would understand for sure

My mum was never one to put demands on my time but I used to stay for tea once a week. The other days I’d grab DS and go! And she was fine with that, she got her evening free, I got to have DS in a routine. I’d have a calm conversation once it’s blown over a bit about the demands of being a full time working single mum and the pressures it’s bringing.

Try a word with your dad?
To me it sounds like mild emotional blackmail on the part of your mum but you do get something very valuable out of it.
Feel a bit sorry for your son who spends an awfully long time away from his own home in term time but then he IS with people who love him.
If your son is OK with the arrangement then I'd continue it. It won't go on forever.

Have I understood correctly that you pick son up from your parents 2 nights a week - then rest he's at after school club? If that's the case I think you could compromise and maybe stay and be sociable 1 day a week and then the other just pick up and go. Speak to your Mum though don't just do it. Tell her you are frazzled from work and would just rather go home.

My Mums a bit tricky to talk to like this too - but I think as long as you explain and tell her how grateful you are for their involvement/help they should understand.

Edit sorry just re-read and you are at your parents every evening. So Ii think you just need an honest conversation with your Mum - agree between you which night you can stay longer - and even have a meal all together but i think you're reasonable to want to go straight home most evenings.

I would tell your mum you will stay one night a week for dinner. Perhaps a Friday. The rest of the week you’ll collect at the door and won’t be coming inside. This is fair to both. They cannot expect you to socialise and get in at 8pm every night of the week. That’s ridiculous

@Fraggamama We used to do this, they had DS in the mornings and took him to school but we discussed it and they said they'd prefer not to do

Could you put it the context of your work then, say you starting later doesn't work for them and they need you to go back to your original hours?

Or as PP has said use your son having too long a day as an excuse and that you need to get him home and to bed earlier?

Approach it from how it impacts on DS. Not getting home until 8pm then it's winding down and bedtime so it's late for him getting into bed and going to sleep. Better to get him home a bit earlier most nights so he isn't too tired for school.

I think she’s being quite selfish - it’s obvious you’ve been out of the home all day and have stuff to do.

Yanbu.

If you can't find a solution, try and make that time work for you or manipulate your way away from it.

Start by bringing over a smelly microwave meal every time to eat there. Start staying late or asking to stay over. Ask to see them on a weekend day and be there all day. Be very very enthusiastic and chatty, put a little music on and dance with DS. MIX IT UP A BIT.

From their point of view though, is this the only time they see you and are trying to squeeze out more time than you have mental capacity to give? Could you have a serious chat with your mum and say you love seeing them but they are catching you at your most frazzled and you want to see them properly. Maybe ask for a family day out once a month or the them to lunch.

The price of the ‘free’ childcare from your DP is a bit of your time. You gave the choice of paying it or actually paying someone to provide childcare. That’s really all it boils down to. Either choice is valid. I don’t think anybody is BU.

One day last week I was at their house after work and felt particularly frazzled and, thinking I was alone, I whined aloud to myself "I just want to gooooo hoooome"

This bit, I don’t get. You’re not a character in a sitcom. Why are you wandering about ‘whining aloud’ to yourself? It’s passive aggressive communication and, for that, YABU.

That sounds really hard, of course you just want to get home after a long day!

Could you tell your parents you are having to reorganise your day at work so will be starting at 9am so could they cover before school instead of after? That way you could just drop him at theirs as run as you'd be on way to work and you'd do the after school club pick up yourself?

I think I'd enjoy hanging out with my mum