To just want to go home after work?

Could you come up with a plan, one evening you stay and socialise, another you go home and have a bit of time to yourself and then she drops DC round / stays for tea, another you pick up and run... explain you value quality time with her over quantity when it comes to work/ school days

I can see exactly why this routine would get you down.

Personally, I would apologise to your mum for sounding as though you don’t appreciate her. Explain you are just overwhelmed and finding it hard to squeeze everything in when you get home late. There is still:

washing
ironing
cleaning
lunch prep
school bags to empty
general paperwork admin
bins to put out
food shopping

The list is endless and relentless. By the time you get in and have done the chores it is bed time. You are have no time to unwind or decompress from the day.

You don’t mean to upset her or make her feel unappreciated- you are just exhausted. Sometimes you just want to come home and whip your bra off! Not something you can do in someone else’s house!

I’d only stay once in a blue moon. I’m wrecked from life I couldn’t do the extra socialising and late nights.

Agree re downtime. its so essential for your mental health. I wanted to cry reading the op and felt her anguish at 'I just want to go home!'

Isn’t 8pm a bit late for your child to be getting home?

Your child must be exhausted! and you also. I don't think your dp are being very considerate. could you have a chat with them about how tired you both get? you see them on the weekend also that's plenty

That is unnecessary and cruel.

They offered to have her child and are putting unfair expectations on her. Everyone needs wind down time in the evenings or even just time for laundry etc.

As many others have said, try to explain how tired you are to your mum. Did she ever work full time? Maybe she doesn’t realise how exhausting it can be with young children (and a commute)?

Yes, you are lucky to have the childcare, but it shouldn’t come with strings. It’s not as if you never see them outside of this.

oh no like they know what time you will be there why isn't donner ready for you to sit down? that's how I would do it. I think you need to have an honest communication with your mother. try to be factual and no emotion. that you appreciate what they are doing etc but it's impacting your home life. focus on quality time over quantity . if that doesn't work unfortunately then I would move to paid childcare. your downtime is vital for you mental health

Sacrilege! Jaffa Cakes are the BOAT (Biscuit of All Time.)

But are they actually a biscuit? 🤔🤣

I don't blame you for wanting to go home, it's exhausting but can also see from your DP point of view. Does she cook you dinner?

I would speak to mum and just explain you are finding all the rushing around exhausting and sorry if she took that comment the wrong way and it wasn't aimed at not enjoying her company etc.

I'd then suggest that one day in the week you stay later and enjoy a nice family meal together and the rest you'd like to get home so you and DC can start getting earlier nights as it's all catching up with you both. Hopefully she can find reason in that.

It wasn't passive aggressive. OP thought she was having a moan to herself.

YANBU and your parents are out of order expecting you to stay on for an hour or two every night after a long day at work and a commute. That would crack me up having to make small talk 5 days a week after a long day at work, I'd suggest you tell your parents that you will drop in one night and stay for dinner but the other nights you have to go home so can't come in. The current arrangement would drive me insane - you have to see them every single day of the working week and then also spend a weekend day with them? When do you and your DC get some time to yourselves?

I completely understand where you are coming from and would feel the exact same way as you.

But they are doing you a massive favour and there is absolutely no expectation for them to do so, so you sort of have to suck it up if you want it to continue.

Its likely that a big part of why your DM is so happy to have him, is because she gets lonely and enjoys your company at the end of the day.
If you just pick him up and go then she may feel like nothing more than a free babysitter.

I would say you are trying to get DS bathed and settled earlier as he’s not sleeping well.
Perhaps chat about it in conversation and then prepare her beforehand that on the days you pick him up later, you will leave straight away.

Then after a couple of months you can then say you have online training on one of the days and need to be home by X time.

Hopefully it will then become a routine where you stay for a while on 1 or 2 days but then leave earlier on the other days.

(Obviously if you can condense your hours or sort something with your employer then that would be even better!)

You’re on MN yourself so unless you don’t work then perhaps your employer should do the same.

And even people who work are allowed a lunch break you know.

I think your mother is really out of order here. You are coming home after a full days work, still need to get ds home and sorted and not fart around with chit chat. If it was mine, my dm would have given my ds a proper dinner and have dinner packed for me to pick up, would make sure ds has his bath and ready to go home. Anyway, I guess she feels you owe her somehow. Is there any other arrangement you could make with ds?

I think for an 8 year old, not getting home until 8pm most school nights is probably too late. It's not just about you (or your mum), it's also about your child, who has spent all day in school, then ASC, then to grandparents and then probably also wants to go home. Kids need time to decompress and it's hard to do that in someone else's house.

FWIW, my grandparents used to pick me up from school and have me until 6pm or so every day. My mum might chat for 10 minutes, but most days we went home. I think you just need to be honest and say you're tired and need to get home and get life sorted, sit down, start getting ready for bed and not stay around and socialise every night. Make plans to stay for the evening one night a week and actually enjoy it together instead of being in a rush here and there.

I’m just a few years I expect your ds will be able to walk or cycle home from school and let himself in (my dd quit after school club in Y6).

In the meantime you deserve to be able to go home after work if you want. My mum would have understood, your dm sounds like hard work.

Id say to dm that you are struggling a bit to do everything- get laundry done, housework, admin, showering and cooking etc. hopefully she will understand.

Set the habits of communication now… when they are old they’ll have you round for four hours changing a light bulb for them then staying “for a quick cuppa” (check out the Elderly Parents forum).

Aww thanks.

Shouldn't you be working? It's 12.58 on a Friday.

Maybe you could ask employer to reduce your work hours by however long you spend on MN during work hours.

Lol.

It's a bit different if they're already going to be at home, and they probs enjoy seeing the grandkids. Nobody wants to be walking in the door a couple of hours before bed and still needing to shower/eat etc.