To just want to go home after work?

Can you say 'mom, is it OK if I just grab him from the door on Tuesdays (or whatever day), because I have to be home by 6.30 (or whatever time), because I'm really struggling to find time to catch up on housework/laundry/personal hygiene/bills/forms for school/whatever and I'm absolutely and totally exhausted and really struggling with everything right now. We can still keep the other day(s) for catching up'

Lay on a guilt trip/poor me story, so she can't guilt trip you back

Agree. That was one of the most batshit crazy suggestions I’ve heard.

OP your DM is being unreasonable, there are times for socialising and times not. With a tired parent and a tired child on a 'school night', where rest and routine is important, it's not the time for socialising. Your DM is being controlling and disingenuous using the childcare to try to get more of what works for her, but not for your family. This is quite common sadly. She either needs to provide the childcare (if she wants to do it) and enjoy the time with her grandchild and arrange socialising separately in ways that are mutually convenient, or not do the childcare and still arrange socialising in a ways that is mutually convenient, there isn't a third option no matter how much she thinks there should be. But, as with many a thread previously, it might be the case that family childcare isn't going to work out for you OP.

Have you actually spoken to your Mum about this, you're not being unreasonable and you're doing a great job. Remember the years fly by so you won't always need their help but at the moment they are giving you a great deal.of support.

My parents used to pick up my son very day from school and by the time I got to theirs to pick him up the last thing I wanted to do was hang around and socialise - I just wanted to get home and start his evening routine. However, I was lucky and it was never said about staying I didn't want to seem ungrateful.

The way I resolved it was out of the 4 days I picked him up I would stay longer either for a cup of tea and a chat on one of the days, it actually worked out even better as sometimes they would do my dinner.

This worked for both parties

You have had lots of great advice on this thread, I'm not sure if my thoughts really help

Your son wasn't great with breakfast club, but he's not really coping with getting home at 8pm each night either. I think getting him used to breakfast club and moving your hours to allow you to pick him up 3 nights a week would work better for you all

@ManukaNourished your son is 8, where's his downtime.
He needs to be playing with his friend's.
Also is there clubs in the area that your ds can go.
Maybe ask one of the other mums to help and you can return the favour some weekend.

As lovely as this help is. it shouldn't come with strings attached like this. As a single parent you are already doing the job of 2 parents and having to do that in the limited time you get a home of an evening must be mentally and physically exhausting for you and for your son, when does he get time to have a relaxed bedtime routine in his own home?
Meanwhile, your parents are relying on you for their social life and this isn't feasible long term, they need to develop their own and they won't do this when commandeering your time is the easier option. but your son won't need picking up in a few more years. What will they do then?
I don't envy this conversation with your mum. I have one that responds badly to anything she views as criticism so best of luck with that.
Could you suggest a regular Friday night dinner and stay then for a bit as a compromise, as you wont have school in the morning?

Is your mum an unreasonable adult usually?

Can't you just talk to her and explain you love seeing her but you also need to go home from collecting your child a few nights a week, and you are happy to stay sometimes but not all the time?

He told her of course she hadn't, I was just trying to get my DC home for dinner and out to clubs. He did have my back at least.

It sounds like you spend lots of quality time with your parents, so please don't commandeer your time during the week. They need to make friends, not rely on a single mum working full time to fill up their evenings.

This.

Honestly, that’s an obscene amount of help from your parents. I hope that you realise that. I do find that MN seems to be split into 2 camps, and those that have never had any help whatsoever from parents or in laws often read these threads with bewilderment that others actually get this much help and moan about it.

OP doesn't expect them to cook for her. But do you not see that if they insist OP stays in the evenings then that doesn't give her time to cook?

Is OP supposed to live off junk food?

Same, although I'm glad that OP and others do have it. I wish more people did, rather than everyone having to suffer.

So it's important to make sure this arrangement works for everyone.

@ManukaNourished I'd be concerned that your mum is using childcare for your son, and then you visiting, as her daily company; rather than putting herself out there to rebuild the community she left. That's likely to only get harder for her as time goes on, and it'll mean she's miserable when she's got no community and no will to find one whenever this arrangement does end - and that'll be the case even if it lasts years and ends when DS is old enough to want to come home from school and be trusted to watch TV by himself or whatever until you're home.

For everyone's sake, it sounds like you need a change. They are expecting company in exchange for childcare, which isn't working for you, and won't work for them in the future.

I'd push your employer on hours - there's a new flexible working law that may help you here. Look into other options again - any new childcare options? Could you get a car, if that'd give you more options?

YANBU. Of course they are doing you a huge favour so that you can work, but I think there is a good compromise in there somewhere. Your parents shouldn't expect you to hang around every night.

Perhaps they could do tea for you 1 night a week? Or you could collect a nice takeaway on the way home for all of you.

If you could rearrange your hours for just 1 or 2 days a week so that you can collect DS yourself then that would help.

Urgh, annoying. What did DH tell her?

So sorry you've had so many nasty responses, OP.

God forbid a woman want to have some time for herself and with her child after a long day at work, eh?

It sounds like you spend lots of quality time with your parents, so please don't commandeer your time during the week. They need to make friends, not rely on a single mum working full time to fill up their evenings.

You don't need an excuse to go home but could you say that you need to get home to cook dinner, prepare lunch for the next day, iron clothes, bath etc?

I’d try speaking to your parents when you’re not feeling as frazzled, maybe of a weekend, explain that work is really stressful and you’re really sorry if you just pick up and go but during work days you’re shattered and just want to get home. Emotive conversations are often best had when the situation isn’t happening.

I would try and condense hours at work so you can pick him up directly from the after school club. On the other days your DP could have him and one day you both stay for dinner.

I get it OP I used to be so exhausted after work all I wanted was to be at home. I was lucky and my DF understood it and also wanted his evening.

OP, my apologies as I've only read your posts but I had a somewhat similar situation with my parents a few years ago, albeit without children in the mix. My mum wanted me to be permanently popping over or if I was there, she didn't want me to leave.

My problem was that I didn't mind seeing them, but I couldn't be hanging about every day.

I solved theproblem by pre-agreeing (proactively) specific dates and times and I tried to ensure that whenever we saw each other, we had the next thing already booked. Eg, I'd agree in advance that after my yoga class, I'd come by and have dinner with them on Tuesday. Then, while we were having diner on Tuesday, we'd agree to meet up for a little shopping and lunch on Saturday. On the Saturday, we'd plan our next trip.

If, in the meantime, I did see them on Thursday because, for example, I needed to drop something off for them, it was easy for me to breezily pop in, drop it off, give them a kiss and zip out the door saying, "See you saturday!"

Can you try this? eg, agree that you're staying for dinner on Wednesday so that on tuesday, they know that they WILL get proper time with you tomorrow?

Sorry I haven't read all the suggestions but wondered if you'd thought of seeing if you can do some longer days and some shorter days at work. On the shorter days you can collect from after school club and longer days maybe agree, in advance, to eat with your DP.

"I'd really like to spend some time with you when I can concentrate and am not completely frazzled - let's catch up at the weekend. I'll bring cake"

I think you are being very reasonable.
Your DPs are doing you a big favour by helping out with childcare, but that doesn't mean you are not allowed to go home at a decent time and take care of yourself.
I'd have a conversation with her and explain that whilst you love spending time with her, after work you are tired, both physically and mentally. There's always things to do at home, whether it's tidying, meal prepping, life admin in general, how are you expected to do everything if you don't even leave hers until close to 8pm?
I'd also reassure her by letting her know that you do love spending time with her in the weekend as you can then properly enjoying her company rather than being preoccupied with what expects you once you go home.

How do you predict the conversation will go? If your mum tends to be a bit irrational I'd maybe try and involve your dad too in the same conversation so that there's more than one perspective.

Good luck OP

I think you can make it about DS. At his age, I’d be wanting bedtime routine to begin by 7pm, or 7.30 at the latest. So you can’t keep staying with your parents past that. Tell them it’s actually making both you and him tired and you need to start being stricter about his bedtime.