Not coping with adult child being back home

Sounds like your son may also have ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) if he shuts down when asked questions. People with ADHD also often have extreme difficulty with criticism of any form. Have a good read about both, and strategies for speaking / questioning him to help reduce the negative reaction you receive. this should hopefully help you have a more comprehensive conversation.

then - encourage him to get diagnosed- you’ll need to pay privately to get it in the next 3 years. For autism and adhd you’re looking at 1.5-3k unfortunately.

they do not just give medication - they offer coaching on coping strategies and help educate people re how their brain works.

give supportive and loving - but firm - boundaries. You love him. You want him around. But he’s not showing you any respect with his behaviour.

Then - this is what I need to see happen if you’re going to continue living here. If this doesn’t happen within X weeks / if you don’t feel like you are Comfortable with this then that’s fine. No hard feelings, you’ve got X time to find somewhere new to live. We’re happy to support you find somewhere/ move etc.

Now you know why his relationship failed because I wouldn't put up with that either he's an ADULT not a child give him the option of sorting himself out or he finds somewhere else to live

Right so the problem is you’re tip toe-ing round him, maybe if you had loud sex and not hold back he’ll find somewhere pretty damn sharpish 😂 I’m serious though, you’re doing EVERYTHING for him, repairing shit he breaks, cleaning up after him and avoiding sex so he’s not offended!! MAKE him repeatedly go back til the jobs done right, I’ve done this with all my kids and still have to do with my adult kids too. They do it on purpose to avoid been asked again and you done exactly what he wanted!! Tell him you’ll help him find a place, he’s working so he’s earning, I was gonna suggest sharing accommodation but he’d drive anyone insane so it’d never work, he needs to live alone in his own pit of shit for a reality check. His poor ex if that’s what she’d to put up with 😳 I’m afraid that’s on you though, it was yours and hubbys job to whip him into shape. Surely he’s been like this before he moved out so you knew anyway how terrible he was to live with? When you were explaining the things he done the autism/adhd came into my head, it’s a possibility but think back on how he used to be, was he always like this? If he is diagnosed he doesn’t have to medicate but he can get help to teach him how to control things he does and ultimately be a better person to live with.

Give him a set of clear rules, in writing if you need to, and tell him he’s got six weeks for things to change out he’s out on his ear.

Autistic- why wasn't he dx in school? My x was like this and def was Autistic just like our son is. Its far more than just being lazy the fact he's holding a job is a great achievement and it would account for his relationship issues also. I don't know the answer but I guess he's struggling a lot. All you can do is support him - it takes a lot more effort to huff and puff, moan with hubby than just wash up I'm sure.

I work with one ND person, I've met many ND people/children and am ND myself. If you don't help teach people how to cope with real world issues they never will be able to. And that kind of goes for anyone.

If he can hold down a job then although yes he may find it difficult, he should be able to do other everyday things. Even if he sometimes needs some help. Just assuming people can't because they are ND doesn't actually help them cope with life does it.

Yes some people will need assisted living but op's Son certainly doesn't sound like the sort of person that would apply to.

Was he like this before he left home at age 22?

So now you know why his relationship broke down she got sick of him as you are too. However it’s your literal job as a parent to teach him how to adult. So start teaching him how to do things properly. Start making him pay for breaking things, you bet he’ll be more careful once he’s had to replace several things.
Stop babying him and doing everything for him. He’s a grown ass adult and he’s never going to be able to live independently if he’s constantly treated like a man child. No self respecting woman is going to put up with that

If you've met one ND person you've met one ND person.
I'll take your ableist attitude as ignorance, which is on you.

I think that maybe this person has not had the input to get them to the level to do these things- presupposing they are ND which is not proven.

Also ASD etc have varying impacts on capability.
I can point to someone with ASD who is a 2:1 flight risk and DOL and someone who is working as a professional. It cant be generalised.

However I agree that pushing and encouraging is necessary. I have a video of my daughter’s birthday when aged about 11 and me pleading for an hour to get DS out to an attraction. It’s actually sad to watch and the impact on my daughter was huge - as was my guilt. My DS was hyper focused on making a Lego titanic sink under a blue duvet which he did repeatedly 100’s of time. Had we continued like that I would jave been imprisoned and some parents effectively are under house arrest in effect.

My son has had a great day today and he was so pleased as I said to him ‘wow if this carries on I can sign off as your carer.’ His face was so happy. So he’s now even more enthused to do more and try more. That has put him into a positive mind set for next weeks life skills as he can see his progress.

So saying they do reach brick walls with things and for us bus travel in a crowded city remains an issue with a 1:1 or ( certainly not alone as yet( - it’s chancy if he will get on. He is not even trying to make that type of journey alone but only doing that in a small town with a quiet bus as part of life skills. But positive encouragement hopefully will help and gentle acclimatisation to reduce anxiety.

I do think that people should walk in people’s shoes to understand. Before he was born I had no idea how terrifying a bush bordering onto a pavement could be or a car parked onto a pavement. I suppose the similar analogy is having a fear of heights - it’s pretty hard to get over. .. but walking down a pavement is a necessity of life- thank god he got over that although it can resurface when more angst. It’s really hard for people to have any idea unless you live with it.

Trust me - my son has an unconditional place at university and it makes no sense for him to be at life skills if not hugely necessary.

So to the OP

lines of communication
positive reenforcement
modelling etc

Why does ND have to be used as a excuse not to be able to learn to do stuff.

I work with an autistic college, yes she struggles with some things quite rightly. But she is capable of living on her own, cooking, doing her washing, sorting most of her life out herself (she does need a bit of help sometimes). I do feel we do a lot of young people a disservice by just assuming they can't do these things if ND. They may need a bit of extra help learning to do them but doesn't mean they can't do it.

Why does any disability need to be given a medical diagnosis when you can just be horrible because they're not like you?

Why does poor behaviour need to be given a medical diagnosis? Can’t we just call him a slob?

OK - Let’s assume he is ASD what would my advice be.

I think that lines of communication need to be opened so that the son believes that the OP is on his team.So any desire to get him not to break something or to do something more thoroughly is not perceived as a criticism but as someone who is trying to help him. The whole relationship needs a 360 turn about.

A parent of a disabled child looks at thing differently. You tend to do quite a lot of detailed analysis and problem solving.

So I would find a time to talk to him and say ‘Look I realise that things have been hard for you but we are on the same team so let’s work together. Clearly you are finding some things a struggle but equally you don’t want to get help/ support. I can understand that but shall we work together to make this house work better. …’

So hand washing - he comes in and you ask him to show you how he does it. Does he use the right products for grease removal. Does he forget to check his hands to make sure they are really clean? After he washes them could he then use wipes to make sure that are really clean - I think that you can buy these special wipes that are effective.

Look I know you struggle with the washing machine so shall we look at that together and see if we can make it work? Again watch how he does it without ciriticm and make suggestions - again it’s all in the tone .

If ND I suspect these issues might be caused by ADHD impetuousness so at these point I would introduce memory aids eg post it notes.

Also a To do list on phone he looks at daily

An agreement of chores that he can manage without breaking things - just redirect his ability to contribute to other tasks eg dusting or cleaning the kitchen floor. This can be on his to do list .

I would do a one week’s assessment in the kitchen to work out if there are handling/ OT issues there. There are gadgets and aids that can be bought eg specific chopping boards etc.

If it’s ASD they are resistant to going out but once out can enjoy it - I have already suggested Drama but any interest he has can get him out eg sailing clubs or running clubs etc. He needs to be pushed out as much as possible.

The main thing is to spend time with him and get him to understand that you are on team him. Analyse what % of your sentences are a criticism and what % are supportive.

Once a decent relationship was restored and he now asks for support and help then would I discuss why an assessment might be useful from his point of view eg access to DAS support if a student, extra time in exams and assessments and maybe PIP.

@movienights I lived with a husband like this. Now divorced. He is officially diagnosed adhd. An accountant

It was hell. I would complain to my parents that if only he were my son maybe I could put up with it.

Reading your post I’m not too sure.

Wishing you all the strength

btw after two years of living like this I knew there was more. So he was diagnosed at 33years. In hindsight it is clear how his parents heavily overcompensated for him, but never encouraged him to seek help. They’re still in denial of the diagnosis. That’s because his mother most likely has it.

Plus NOT be so….

Can’t think why him and his ex split up 🤷‍♀️. He needs to grow up. Plus be so lazy, messy, selfish and annoying. You need to give him the fix up or ship out chat and mean it. I’m not surprised your DH is sick of him

@Noras

It doesn’t need to be extreme ASD to be causing major problems for other people.

We aren’t in the middle of a diagnostic assessment so I wouldn’t expect OP to be ticking any boxes. Nobody should be ‘diagnosing’ based on scant information, or indeed any at all here on MN.

I’ve accepted her at face value that there may be underlying issues, and have advised that she urgently gets him assessed, preferably privately to speed things up.

And I’ve said that she should incentivise him by making it clear that he will get more support at work/college if he has a diagnosis. Never mind support if and when he is able to move out. (Be aware OP you would need to support him to complete forms - PIP, Student finance and so on).

All of the advice you have given to promote independence and responsibility is sound. We have been working with our kids since reception on taking responsibility, loading washing machine and so on. So it shouldn’t be beyond a 25 year old to make an effort provided boundaries and expectations are explained.

It sounds like he needs to learn a few things. It's great he's back home for a bit but he does need to work with you as an adult to keep the house in order. I'd be saying a condition of being there is that he has to be shown how to do things properly, and then do things properly. And save for his house deposit. Sit down together as a family, acknowledge that the living situation has changed and draw up an agreement of who does what, and when!

I'd had enough at broke the washing machine? I've never heard the like!!

He needs 3 months notice to move into a room in a houseshare. He can fund it by working, and save up for his college course.

Quite frankly because if it extreme ND the mother would be writing a lot more than the fact that her son seems incapable of getting oil of his hands and does not wash up plus has no friends.

Not one of things are criteria on a DSM 5 assessment for ASD ADHD or Motor issues.

They might be a symptom of them but not ticking the diagnostic box. There would be lots of other things she would mention which would tick the diagnostic boxes and I assume you must have said to get your diagnosis.

Lots of people are heavy handed or have no interest in going out etc. lots of people act like they for other reasons eg depression or just because they can’t be bothered or frankly are lazy and think that if they do the job badly they won’t get asked again. Who knows what is happening here? You don’t and the mother does not which is why there are diagnostics.

I’m not going to infer SPD or ASD from scant information.

Moreover if anything the employers would he raising issues or have awareness - he works in a dirty and most likely noisy factory. There should be some ASD triggers there! As part of a gold standard diagnosis (NHS) they look at other settings eg work or the gym etc

Im not saying it’s not but the OP has had every opportunity of giving more illustrations and even then the advice would be to engage with son and encourage him to wash up etc uses post it note reminders etc.

There is no magic help in this situation. He’s unlikely to want to be with pretty higher needs ASD people on a life skills course.

Even with a diagnosis she would not get any help o imagine from services as such. So rather than trying to make a point with me why not suggest to the Op what can be done to make her son do housework as there are no magical agencies that will resolve these for her even with a diagnosis.

So all it is are prompt cards, memory aids etc

Frankly if he wants a packed lunch she can stop buying the things he cooks and tell him to make a sandwich or buy a pasty from a nearby shop.

If my son refused to wash up I would refuse to cook for him - he is excused glass objects and larger items as he can’t handle them but he can wipe surfaces and tidy up

My son has broken parts of the hoover so I supervise and prompt or set him other tasks eg dust the cupboards

put a card by the sink with words ‘wash your hands’

She can refuse to wash his clothes unless he brings them down to the machine. I would watch him load the machine to understand what the issue was as using the correct force can he learnt or he can bring down everyone’s laundry instead and help that way. There are alternative for him to try.

he could be encouraged to join a Drama group.

there are ND groups set up in areas.

Close supervision would rapidly determine what is happening with house work eg my son extends the hose of the hoover as he can’t get the right force to push the brush and that bends it.

Even with marked ASD etc the OP’s son needs to try his best but as yet she has not ticked an actual diagnostic box.

My jaw dropped reading this He's 25 not a sulky teenager!!
You must sort it out, before your marriage implodes.
Did he need support at school( This would have flagged potential SEN?
What was his behaviour like before he lived with ex?( I have a DS25)
Why have you not brought him up with chores and responsibilities( and basic hygiene)
I would tell him you're at the end of your tether and he either shapes up or ships out to a house share
Charge him for anything he breaks or pay for repair.
You need to be proactive not passive
Why aren't you furious? I bloody would be

@Noras

I hate to keep having to state the obvious but yes.

I wasn’t flagged at school. I managed science and art classes. I have third level education.

I still have difficulties with washing and dressing due to sensory issues and transitions.

Things are picked up much better today than they were in the 00s and further back.

I don’t know why you aren’t getting this!

Have you tried waking up early so you and your husband have some time alone?

It sounds like an awful situation OP, I think you need to give your son some firm house rules and if he doesn't like them he can leave