Not coping with adult child being back home

@movienights

It's been 5 days since you last replied, are you coming back to this thread with your thoughts / feelings / actions ?

as you have lots of replies.

If he has a disability that's not a bed made for themselves, they potentially have a disabled grown child who refuses to get an assessment.
I have 4 adult children and 1 is just like op's son and my 3 nt adults are all successful and capable despite having the same upbringing.
Parents should not be blamed for the behaviour of nd children or adults.
It's bloody hard work living with an autistic child that will probably never be able to support themselves and when they're disrespectful on top of that it can become a very tiring and thankless task but yes let's point the finger at the people who did their best for them because it clearly wasn't enough.

Some autistic people can have dyspraxia that runs along side autism and something clean to them may not be clean to you. It may explain why he breaks things by accident. My daughter has both and she can't ring out a dish cloth or hold a knife and folk properly cos of dexterity issues. She requires help with cleaning. It says nothing about if he wears glasses tbh or if he needs them or has been eye tested. My daughter literally cant see little specks of food or bits on carpets and she has the correct perscription.
He needs his own place by the sounds of it. A rented room that has an on suite can come with a cleaner too and that will help him.

Start billing him for breakages, services etc and credit for chores done well. He’ll improve or move out 😉

As stated try to work with him to analyse the issues, literally watch him wash his hands or wash up to see the issue. I do that even though my son has a diagnosis to help my son make the next step. So yesterday I sent him to dog walk, followed from behind and noticed he struggled at certain points when he encountered people also he was not quick to get rid of the poo bag. So I will work on that . When my son washes up he struggles with organising the stuff on the draining board or putting too much soap on things and making them slippy…again it’s useful to see exactly what the issue is,

If it might be dyspraxia (actually now called motor coordination disorder under the DSM5 ) it takes not that much money to get a diagnosis. You can self refer to OT or pay for an OT to examine as an expert….which will be a few hundred pounds. Possibly ASD can combined with other issues like some extensive Venn diagram. So it’s connected to MCD and SLI even some mental illnesses. His executive functioning can be checked via an Ed Psych but you might have to go private but it could lead to extra time in exams. At some point either he agrees to testing or he has to accept there is no excuse for it.

I would want to be clear on whether he just can’t be bothered or is genuinely disabled.

OP this is the bed you and your husband made in your choices to parent him. You clearly pander to him and there’s no consequences for his behaviour. If you want things to change, you have to change first.

My DS told me after moving out that he'd do things badly so that I wouldn't ask him again.
So the washing up every evening was his task. He'd do it badly, but I didn't let him off doing it. I'd sneak into the kitchen and rewash my mug if he'd left it less than spotless.

When first married DS now enjoys doing the washing up he says and is glad I made him do it!

Don't let your DS off tasks OP. He may well learn more of you get him doing chores regardless.

You’re assuming he has a disability based on one single post on the internet. Now unless you have some kind of revolutionary advanced medical training, you’re in no position to make that call. It’s takes medical experts with years of training and sometimes several, IN PERSON assessments. Utterly ridiculous to ‘diagnose’ him over mumsnet.

You have the power in this situation.
Refuse to tolerate his behaviour. He either acts like a competent person or he will have to move out.

I wouldn’t put up with this behaviour from my 11 & 12 yo ds (who are both autistic and the youngest also has ADHD). Doing chores, like washing up, badly is the oldest trick in the book. If I do it badly I won’t have to do it again. If he’s behaving like a teenager then treat him like one, next time he doesn’t wash up properly call him back and get him to go it again.

Oh and one last thing. With you saying he may be autistic. He sounds like he may have dyspraxia from what you have written about how clumsy he is. Dyspraxia can run along side autism. People with those conditions can struggle with the washing up and cleaning in general. He may also be forgetful and need telling all the time. It can be part of his disabilities.. so doing what I suggested in my other comment will help you both.

Take him to have a look at some rented rooms with all bills included. You can get nice ones in nice areas with on suite shower and toilet and a small kitchen area so he doesn't annoy other people. The deposit for a rented room is quite cheap and its usually a months rent in advance. Once you find one he likes or you like and think is suitable he could move in pretty quick . He could still pop in for his tea at yours as like you say you don't mind doing him some tea.

Write him a list of everything that is causing you pain. If he doesn't sort at least half of it in a month then tell him to find another place to live.

He seems to be very, very angry and taking his anger out on you.

Broken door handles, peddle bins, washing machines ... there is no excuse for that.

Refusing to clean until you get exasperated - there is no excuse for that.

You being a doormat - there is no excuse for YOUR behaviour!!!!

Awww, but I love him. Awww, but I'm happy to do this and that for him, it's no trouble. Aww! He has his washing "done for him" because he's heavy handed. You are an enabler to his trouble-making behaviour.

Damn well make him wash his clothes in the bath tub if he breaks the washing machine.

Set down ground rules.

First of all - ANYTHING he breaks, he pays for.

Do not cook for him. Do not do his laundry. (Use a broken pedal bin as his personal laundry basket for him to sort out his own clothes.)

Give him one set of cheap cooking utensils. If he doesn't clean them - his problem. Keep your cooking utensiles separate.

Do not believe he's going back to college - he will not be able to afford it. We all get one free opportunity in life called school. And if you can't get qualifications there, it will cost you thousands to start learning again as an adult.

Focus on what apprenticeship he wants - if he has some basic qualifications, he can probably get one.

Tell him he needs to move out - because he is destructive and hostile in the home.

Tell him he also needs to move out and find a friend to "live on a sofa" because that qualifies him for housing support from your local council.

Also look into charities like The Connection.

But you need to sit down with him and state clearly this living arrangement is not working out. Priority is moving out and claiming local Council support as homeless.

Then once he's out the house, invite him for a weekend lunch once a week to discuss how his local Council application for housing is going and what kind of apprenticehip he wants. And maybe he should go do some construction work to take his anger out with physical labour.

Throw some ear defenders at him and say “Just because you’re single, doesn’t mean we are. Tonight is date night, I suggest you wear these!” It might solve a problem or 2. He either goes out or moves out.

You do realise that you raised him to be like this right?

Your son bullies you. He has a job so give him 30 days to move out and mean it. You may help him look for the right fit so he doesn’t end up back there with you but move him out!

When he messes something up, make him go back and do it again. If he won't, and it is moveable, put it on his bed. If he breaks something, get it replaced or repaired and then charge him for it.
He is doing these things because there is no consequences for his actions. He will either move out or wise up.
Of course, he will try and argue with you or intimidate you and that is when you stand your ground and your partner better back you up.

It’s very sad for the young man that he has little idea how to look after himself at age 25 and continues to wreck the house because of his heavy handedness.
It’s now become an even more difficult problem for you to have to help him with.

I really think it would be a good idea to take on one challenge at a time and break the tasks down into small steps. Start at the bottom of the step ladder, with the easiest bit, demonstrating how you want it done and only move up a step once he consistently gets it right.

It’s possible that you thought that him moving out the first time would teach him all he needs to know to live well, - by some kind of automatic, magic process of metamorphosis into a life skilled, competent man. Or that his gf or flat mate would shame him into competency. But that doesn’t work with some SEN people and I think as his parents, you might want to give him a last chance …and start again with helping him learn life skills properly.

If you ask him to leave he simply won’t as he doesn’t know how to.
If you organise his leaving for him, he will still fail at practical life anyway and be back.
So really, what choice do you have if you care about him, but to persist in an orderly way that allows you to see the extent of his problem and get outside help or allows you to see progress towards independent living.

If he refuses to engage or to attempt to help himself, or becomes aggressive, then at least you will have given it your best shot before showing him the door. He will then have to learn to live with his own filthy, unhygienic habits.
You sound as of you could be ready to skip to that stage already?

So, if you can face it, make a list of problems he causes you in every day life.
Then break the problems down into smaller tasks that he can be taught to overcome. Start with hand washing … and the rule that he washes his hands as soon as he enters the house.

But before you start on the actual tasks, prepare him first for what’s about to happen. Tell him what he will be learning in order to live decently.
Spell it out to him, in writing that this is his last chance to engage with you in helping himself gain practical life skills and he must engage with you both. Also spell out to him in writing the consequences of never learning how to look after himself properly. And that he must pay for his door to be mended, pay for the broken bin etc and pay rent and bills. (By the way, don’t keep buying the same flimsy pedal bin …make him buy one that is more sturdy that can’t be broken and make him use that one rather than the pedal bin which he repeatedly breaks)

Life admin is also a task he needs to learn which you could help with.
Once you’ve got him sorted, maybe you will all be happier.
Only you know if it’s worth the effort of really trying to help him, or not.

As for sex, either do it quietly, or get creative or play loud music or plan together to grab an hour or two during the day when he’s at work. I’m a bit astonished that you have to ask.

Haven’t you posted about this before and the responses you got were very much along the lines of you really not seeming to like him?!

I don't know if I missed this, is dh the father of the Op's son ?

Kill two birds with one stone…..start having regular very loud sex…..and you may find he moves out quite quickly!!

Tell him (not ask) him to go and find lodgings or a flat a.s.a.p.

This is my brother - he’s 28. He is frankly, an entitled piece of shit with no sense of accountability. He was also babied beyond belief up until very recently and truly felt he could behave with a ‘fuck you’ attitude and still have everything done for him. Because that was what happened. He had his meals cooked, washing done, shirts ironed, bathroom cleaned etc whilst he treated his room like a personal dumping ground, smoked weed in the house and grunted whenever anyone tried to engage with him. It escalated to the point where he didn’t see why he should spend his money on things he needed, and acted entitled to my parent’s money for that too. My parents are retired and he works full-time (from home) on a £40k plus salary whilst paying no rent and not contributing to any food.

My mum has accepted that he is a failed adult, no woman will ever have him and she regrets not being harder on him.

He was always someone who was going to take the piss but had it been pushed back on consistently, and had he faced actual consequences and a dose of real life I don’t feel it would have reached the stage it has.

You are doing your DS no favours by accommodating his pathetic attitude. My brother is a hermit, no social skills, very few friends, very few prospects for any future relationship happiness. Do something about this before it’s too late.

Tell him he needs to find a room elsewhere; give him an end date.

It's pretty clear why his relationship broke up, frankly. No one is that 'hopeless' / 'destructive' / 'forgetful' etc accidentally all the time. He just doesn't give a shit and doesn't want to be asked to do anything.