Is this nursery arrangement unfair on dc?

I think it’s about how you are framing this to yourself. You are single mumming so first off pat yourself on the back. Going to work is something you do for the wellbeing of your child and yourself… the example you are setting is one of self sufficiency, responsibility and love.

Also ask yourself this… does your ex feel this guilt?

My husband and I both work full time with ds in childcare of some form every day - I went back to work part time early and full time from 18 months- gps do one day) we have had an amazing childminder who did 4 until recently when I have added preschool into the mix. I feel guilty, my husband (who works weekends often too) feels no guilt.. we do this to ourselves.

My son loves his childcare and the friends he makes. It is all part of his wider support network… it takes a village.

I think it sounds like you are doing an incredible job. Do what feels right / is practical and don’t beat yourself up.

Personally I make a huge effort to get jobs done after bedtime and maximise weekends for fun activities.

DD was in nursery 4 days a week from age 1 and them went up to full time at 20 months as a new job required 5-days a week. Honestly it was much easier for everyone involved because on four days I was still getting full time worth of work so wasn't as present as I would have liked on my day off, as I was stressed.
She had no problem going up to five days, loved going in every morning and was still thrilled to see me in the evenings. She also had no issue with school transition with added wraparound care as that was already the hours she was used to!
If you have a good nursery that your child likes they will thrive. And you will have a chance to breathe without giving up all your annual leave

My little boy (20 months) has done 4 days since he was a year and thrived!

You need to look after yourself here, because ultimately that's what gives you the resources to do the best for your son.

Him having Weds off is nice, absolutely IMO, but it's not as important in the long term as you staying mentally well, keeping the show on the road and having the bandwidth to enjoy your time with him. Do the equivalent of putting your own oxygen mask on before his. Whether that means 4 days or 5 days of nursery I'm not sure.

Given you are managing your job on 4 days a week would work not allow you to do compressed hours so you are doing 38 hours per week just over 4 days?

I think it's the best you can manage and I'm sure he'll be fine.

(Why are so many men such useless fuckwits?)

My daughter has been full time since she was 9 months old. She loves it. She asks to see her friends every morning. I think that her attending full time has been really beneficial for her as she's now very advanced for her age. My DS starts next month too. It is hard, but it's giving them a head start in life.

NRTFT but I’m a solo mum to twins. Do you definitely take home less on four days? I worked four days because the extra day’s childcare, the additional train ticket and the drop in tax credits (appreciate this is UC now so may be different) meant I was actually slightly better off working four days rather than five.

Can you do compressed hours such as 10 days over 9, meaning you’d have a day off with him every other week?

I do a condensed week in 4 days and it works for me (I'm also a single parent of 2) albeit no longer at nursery.

It's hard as a single parent getting a break, especially if your ex is useless, don't run yourself into the ground would be my advice. If you can afford it, I would consider dropping a day.

What’s more unfair to your DS is having a mum who is permanently knackered because she can never take a holiday as she is using all her annual leave this way!

I’m surprised that your workplace allows you to this.

There are 1000s of children in full time childcare and it is not a problem but making yourself feel guilty about it is not healthy.

I did four days at that age. I would recommend it highly as a nice balance between time with him - 3 days including the weekend work and money. Due to personal allowance a fifth day isn't 20% more pay.

He will be ok on five days but I loved the breather my day off gave me and the little outings we could have. I had Wednesday's too. A day to grab shoe catch up on the house a bit.

Probably more about me than them but that's ok

You're running the show, do what works best for you and think long term.
Mine went from four months, albeit pt. Over 20 years on no regrets. All bonded just fine.

You could work out if going to 4 days would be a viable option. You would pay less tax and save a days nursery fees.

He will be fine.
I don’t think there is universally one way better than the other.

I think what’s best is what’s best works for you and your family individually. It all falls into place.

Mine only did 2 days but it seemed harder for them to settle because it was part time

DS went to nursery full time from 7 months old. Work wouldn't accommodate a four day week, they would only do 0.5 posts or full time, I couldn't afford that much of a drop in salary. I did feel guilty about it, and I was tired too working 5 days a week. But DS was fine, he's 17 now and his two best mates are ones he met in nursery. Try it and see how it goes. If you can afford to drop down later if it's not going well do that. Good luck 🍀

I'm in uk. Ds used to do four full days in nursery then increased to five. And that was a 9 hour day for him.
When dd went to nursery she attended four days but her days were 11 hour days

Why don't you just see how he goes? It sounds like his time there is going to be increased gradually so why don't you see how he copes with each stage and then decide if it's working for both of you or not.

I’m in the northwest of the uk and my ds has been in nursery full time since he was 1 he’s now 2 I can’t say it’s been perfectly smooth sailing, he enjoys nursery, has lots of friends and staff love him but he does get episodes of separation anxiety and it upsets us both greatly because we don’t have much choice.

He'll be fine. You're doing the best you can.

Ppl will say “u will never get those years back bonding with your baby blah blah”. Trust me. Use this time to invest in your career as u will regret it otherwise. Babies will not remember u not being there every Wednesday. Many kids are in FT nursery since 6 months. They grow up to be absolutely fine. Stop feeling guilty and listening to rubbish

Whilst many others say that's it's OK, lots of other children do it, etc. if you're not happy about it then it's not the right thing for you. Childhood goes quickly and you'll never get those years back, if you can, reduce your hours and spend more time with baby if that's your preference. X

Agree with this. And a two year old has no concept between 4 and 5 days. As long as he is safe, having his needs met and having fun, he really won't notice. And as you say, he loves nursery (loads of kids do if you find the right one).
Gently - your fears are just guilt. But there is nothing to be guilty about. Enjoy your family time at pick up and weekends.

My dc1 did full time childcare from age 2 and she is fine (she was part time from 11m to 2). She formed deep friendships with other full time kids, girls and boys. We had play dates at weekends together too!

The advantage of FT is your kid doesn’t miss out on a fun activity because “they don’t go on Wednesdays”. And yes, sometimes I took a day’s holiday for myself and still sent her to nursery!

DC1 is now a teenager and smashing out 8s and 9s at school, she has a wide group of friends, and I’m often complemented on how sweet natured and caring she is (albeit from people who don’t see her untidy room and have to grapple with her Netflix and YouTube addictions!).

This flies in the face of the “scholarly article” I read when I was guilt-tripping myself about leaving my poor baby with strangers all day, which told me that there is a direct statistical link between kids in full time childcare and adult sociopathy. And so on.

What determines how things go is your ability to pay for good quality childcare AND have the energy to be a good, present, devoted parent in between times.
You won’t struggle with that. So stop feeling guilty.