Would you expect your spouse to say something?

My BIL and his wife have a baby, and she has an older child (in their early teens). We have all made a huge effort with the teen to include them as a part of our family. The child was around 8 when they met. There's not a chance we (or grandparents) would pay for BIL's bio child and not their step child.

BIL has built a life with his wife and their children (bio and step). It's on us to make both his wife and her child feel just as much a part of our family as their bio child. They all come as a package and that's how it should be!

No he shouldnt say anything. The grandparents are treating their grandchildren

If finance is always separate, then yes, it’s on B to fund their own teens.

Well this isn’t a step grand-parent issue - this is a husband/wife issue.

Parent B cannot expect the in laws to stump up for their children’s holiday when their partner won’t!

How are the rest of the finances set up?

This grandparents making a generous contribution towards holiday. B possibly with help from A can pay for 2 teens. A cheap family holiday. No need to tell DC or teens who is paying for what.

I don't know if I see A being an arsehole. All children have 2 involved parents and 2 involved families. Should the step children be provided for by 3 parents, 3 families? Therefore favoured above the shared children? Or should step children's family also be expected to include the other children in everything?

It's unclear whether the step children actually live in the family. Do they? If so then A is already supporting them by default. It's no harm to look for a contribution from both parents of the step children to go on a holiday. That way each set of children are being provided for by their respective parents/grandparents.

A gift has been offered. It would be crass to go back saying "actually you should give us more".

Basically A and the joint children are getting a free holiday.

B is not, because let's face it, no reasonable caring adult would leave the SDC out!

I'm going to guess that as there are young children involved B is not the higher earner either......

A is being an arsehole.

Even with separate finances A and B should be splitting the cost (or at least B contributing something) so that the SDC can go on the family holiday.

A's attitude is a bit "I'm alright Jack"

Well they absolutely cannot bring it up with the grandparents! You don't tell people to spend more money on you.

Bs children have their own grandparents. Are they expected to treat As children exactly the same as their own grandchildren?

Do the step children live with A and B full time?

Having read all the replies. A is an arsehole. Its hardly a partnership if A expects B to pay fort them solely or they'll go on their own, nice. Also its fine for A to say B should have made more of an effort with As parents regarding the children, however its As parents they would have had more of an in with them!

I would let As parents pay for A, B and the shared children - and be very grateful.

Then I would split the cost for Bs children between A and B.

I can understand A not wanting their children to miss out.

What would be the situation if the other grandparents took the teenagers on holiday, they wouldn't be expected to take the joint children as they are no relation. Is that fair?

As a grandparent I should be able to treat my own grandchildren without having to include step children too.

If B isn't happy with the offer then B can stay at home with the teenagers. Surely both A&B could foresee these kind of events.

Your update changes things. This is not a /DSC issue, it's a relationship issue and has just brought out the problem front and centre

Not only do the grandparents not see the kids as equal (fair enough), but the parents don't see them as equal either and this is a much bigger problem

I sense there is a bit more to this than who pays for whose children's holidays...

It is a bit of a cheek for A to expect B to "bring it up" with her/his parents. A gift is a gift. Accept or don't.

I agree. I think it's hugely unfair when people blend and expect everyone who comes along to also be treated. The GP have every right to just treat their own GC.

Gratitude is appropriate when given money as a gift.

If you’re uncomfortable don't take the money.

Asking for more would be grubby and disrespectful.

Is B solely expected to pay for the SDC to go and can B afford it?

I don't think there's anything wrong with the grandparents not paying for the SDC but I actually think A is a bit of a cheeky fucker if they are expecting B to stump up the extra while A effectively gets a "free" holiday.

The extra should come out of the family pot.

The grandparents haven’t said the step children aren’t welcome- just that they’d need to be paid for by A&B, which is entirely reasonable.

In this situation I think B kids holiday should come from shared money not just B.

I'dalso be concerned about family dynamics. You Go out for a meal, Mom says she'll pay but the expects B to hand over £20 for their kids food. Or Grandad offers to buy the shared kids an ice cream and totally ignores B's kids.

A and B should pay for A's children

This is the answer. The grandparents stance seems entirely reasonable. The step children are welcome to join the holiday but their share is to be funded by their dad (and step mum if you have joint finances). The grandparents will be hugely subsidising the overall trip.

A and B should pay for A's children