Would you expect your spouse to say something?

What’s with deadbeat men wanting their new wife’s and their families to pick up the tab for their children anyway 😂 such an attractive trait no…

It’s not what OP does. She’s said quite clearly they operate separate finances.

That might not be your choice, nor mine, but it’s how she and her husband arrange things. And therefore it’s on her husband to fund his teens’ holiday if he wants them to come. His own ticket is already generously paid for.

If her DH wasn’t happy with that, he shouldn’t have separated money in the first place.

I agree. I really can’t understand why people get into serious relationships with people with kids if they aren’t prepared to become a family. And that means paying to go on family holidays, amongst other things. Op’s parents shouldn’t pay but op should be contributing so the can all go away together, they’re her step children, not a random couple of kids.

Because that's what families do, not divide everything up into mine and yours. B isn't with the mother anymore he is with A, so its up to their mum what she spends on them and its up to A and B what they spend on them also.

Using A and B is very confusing!
A (you) is the step parent to 2 teenagers. You're the mother.
B is their father.

The children don't live with you so don't see your parents that often and have no relationship with them.

There is no reason that your parents should pay for his children to go on holiday. But why would you not contribute to the cost of bringing his children on holiday with you? If it would save a lot of hard feelings and shouldn't be a huge amount. Maybe the other side of the family would also contribute if asked.

How can you share children and have completely separate finances?

If your parents don't ever see these children then of course they're not going to pay for them to go on holiday.

Would the teenagers even want to go on what appears to be a "family holiday" with people they don't really know.

I have a SD. She lives with her mother. My parents would include her whenever she's around but wouldn't seek her out to bring her places. I wouldn't expect them to. Nor would my husband. SD wouldn't expect to be brought on holidays with my parents. She doesn't see them as "her family". She does however live with her stepdad and her half-siblings and is included in everything on that side of the family. But it is a different scenario. She lives there. Her stepdad parents are always around. She knows them. She's close to them. She's not close to my parents.

Pay for the children to go yourselves, or leave them behind.

I can’t imagine a family being like this. I know mumsnet is big on ‘blood’ relatives but it’s so weird to me. They are your step children, your children’s siblings, why would you not do all you can to help create a family unit? This whole ‘my husband must pay for his children as they aren’t related to me’ etc, it’s so alien to my concept of family. So what if they also have another parent/set of grandparents. It is no excuse not to consider them ‘full’ members of your own family.

Unless finances are super tight, there is NO WAY I would insist my spouse and stepchildren stay home while I go off on holiday with our children.

It just seems very stingy to me, and I cannot see how this could not have a detrimental effect on family harmony.

I would ask the teens whether they wanted to join a family holiday with their stepmothers parents.

They might not!

Why?

The teens have their own mother and father who can pay for them.

I wouldn't say anything to the grandparents, they've been generous enough. However I would split the cost of the older two coming with my DH.

Your parents are very generous and your DH is being grabby and rude.

I agree with you (parent A).
Your DH can pay for the teens, or stay home with them.

They don’t live with you most of the time, have their own mother and grandparents, and might not even want to come.

Or she could offer to pay half and not expect him to pay for the whole lot of his children's share, or to stay at home on their own.

Yes, this.

Then tell your DH he’s being a CF and your parents are perfectly entitled to treat their grandchildren to a holiday if they want.

Either he stumps up for his children’s fares or he stays home with them.

Gratitude is appropriate when gifted money.

Asking for more would be grubby and disrespectful.

It's not relevant why you want more. They are offering you a gift. Take it or leave it. With thanks.

FWIW I think the OP is B and the mother.

Or she her if op is the man 😅🤣

I’m on A’s side.

If B wants his children to come he needs to pay up. Finances are separate so of course he would pay for his children. His a parent to all the children and is getting the younger ones fully covered so not costs and even his spot covered.

It should be a huge thank you not a eugh but can you sub my other children too!?

I can’t remember the amount of children but say it’s 2 shared and 2 separate. The parent B is saving their 50% of the costs for the two shared children they would and should pay towards as they are a parent.

Maybe B should look at it that way actually. By A’s parents paying 100% for 2 children they are covering his 50% share and his own airfare and hotel costs. So his saved 50% plus his costs and would normally foot the bill 100% for his own children anyway since finance is separate.

@illingmeoftly so, OP, are you A or B??

The younger children shouldn’t have to miss out on a holiday with their grandparents.

it’s on B to pay for his/her children if she/he wants them to join. This doesn’t seem to be a situation where A has taken on financial responsibility for their stepchildren (and they don’t have to!), so there isn’t ’a family pot’.

I would expect A to suggest to their parents that - rather than the parents paying for a particular holiday priced for them and their biological children only - the parents might like to simply give A a budget to book whatever trip they like, for whomever they want to take along.

Then A & B can still have nice holiday, with ALL their children, for the same price as the presumably more extravagant holiday with only half their children that A's parents seem to be suggesting. And the cost to A's parents would be exactly the same, so it shouldn't be any skin off their nose.

When adult parents form a new relationship , marry and become step parents then they have to take the new spouse and their kids as a job lot.

But why should grandparents? It’s a lot to expect that they pay out for step grandchildren that they had no say in becoming a family with. It adds a big burden to normal grandparenting financial generosity.

This kind of thing can tear a blended family apart.

B is now essentially being guilt tripped into paying for the older kids, but is getting a free hol for themselves and younger Dc.

B needs to accept the grandparents decision and offer, and decide whether to go or not.

It really isn’t fair to expect the grandparents to pay for step kids. Lovely if they do and if rolling in it , but really shouldn’t be r or tex.

I don't know why I feel A is stepdad and B (OP) is mother.

Either way both sets of kids have 2 sets of grandparents to treat them. One set shouldn't need 3 sets of grandparents treating them. Honestly grandparents are a bonus and nothing should ever be expected from them. Certainly not financial support or holidays. If they offer, fabulous, but they should not be expected or demanded.

How attached is B to A as A sounds like a bit of an A hole