Would you expect your spouse to say something?

If b can't afford to go... a still plans to go anyway .. erm why isnt a helping b to 'afford' paying for step kids to attend. What the flip. Why you blend your family if you dead inside to being a family?

B is being absolutely ridiculous.

Does spouse Bs childrens grandparents treat all the children equally or just their biological grandchildren?

I think the children should not be made to suffer … treating siblings differently to each other makes them suffer.

all the children should go on the holiday. A should view gift from grandparents as family money and deduct from the whole holiday cost and then a and b should make up the difference

I can’t follow the A B Cs - lol 🤣

I think A should help B pay for the step kids if they are in a position to do that

You’re hurt because your children are viewed as different to his children - but to his family they are! Just as your children are more important to you than someone else’s kids.

Frankly I think a lot of people are delusional in expecting extended family to just take on the step family as if they were their own. They didn’t even choose you let alone your family!

I have steps and half and adopted in and adopted out family. I don’t treat everyone equally because I don’t have the same relationship with all of them. It’s not so much the title but the relationship. For small things I do try to be very equal - but for big things my own family gets priority.

MIL has offered to fund her family. She hasn’t asked that your kids be excluded, but that you fund them. Accept or decline.

I would not however accept for you and DP and get kids go without them. If you cannot afford to include them you stay out as well!

Here's an idea, if your husband wants your parents to bring his children (that they don't see) on holiday let him approach them himself and ask. He's an adult and doesn't need you to be doing his bidding for him.
If he's not willing to ask himself then he makes whatever arrangements himself to include them or not.

Can I just ask though, is there a reason you would not be happy to share the cost of bringing his children with you? Seeing as you are all getting a free holiday. Contributing to the cost of bringing his kids might help. Or is it that he doesn't think he should pay anything? Or do you not see your stepchildren as any part of your family? As I previously said, I have a stepdaughter. Now an adult. I've known her since she was 4. She lives with her mother. We used to take her at weekends. We lived away from my parents so they rarely saw her. Would always include her and treat her when she visited with us, but they wouldn't seek her out to bring her somewhere. It wasn't practical. She's not necessarily part of my extended family, but she is definitely part of my core family and is included in anything she wants to be. Paid for by us as a couple.

Do you see your stepchildren as part of your core family?

I'd say this is fine. Children are not being excluded. Dad can pay if he wants them to attend. He's still getting a very reasonable holiday.

But they want to give their own money to their own grandchildren, which is perfectly reasonable.

Excellent summary of the situation imo.

This! Totally agree!

Surely A and B pit their heads together, check over family finances and see if they can afford it.

Yep, it appears he thinks A should try to hustle more money out of her parents for his kids. So grubby and awkward for her and bizarre behaviour from him.

It's bizarre people seem not to get this. It doesn't matter at all how you feel about blood relatives and stepkids. It doesn't even matter how the OP feels.

The grandparents don't have to give a single penny of their money to any of them. Of course they must not go begging for more. That would be appalling, embarrassing and would definitely risk issues.

They take the money, with thanks, and sort the remainder of the finances between them. Or they don't take the money, with thanks, and sort the remainder of the finances between them.

Those are the options available if they don't want to cause problems with the generous grandparents who are perfectly entitled to do whatever they want with their own money.

I personally would have ensured when the stepkids were young they were treated as biological grandchildren then and accepted as full family.

But for whatever reason you and you partner did not choose this route - and so while I am normally all children should be treated as equal as biological children - in this case I think your parents are doing the right thing offering to include them just not at their cost.

Personally, if I had the money I would see this an an opportunity to get closer to my biological grandkids step siblings and I would pay for them but we are all different.

Yanbu, OP. Your DH is a CF, tbh. And mean-spirited to turn this lovely, generous offer of your DP’s into an uncomfortable argument.

He brings the other children to the table; he pays if we wants them to come.

If OP’s husband wasn’t happy with separate finances I would imagine as an adult he’d have discussed that with OP before marrying and having two children together. I’m assuming he’s a grown up with agency. (Or at least I’d hope so, as a father of four!)

His children from his previous relationship haven’t “rather cruelly” been left out. Their half siblings’ grandparents are treating their own family to a holiday and said they are welcome to come along too. If their father doesn’t want to fund that, that’s up to him.

If he feels so strongly about his teens not being paid for by people unrelated to them, he can stay home and do something else with them.

Blended families - especially blended families with separate finances - mean sometimes not everyone can do everything.

A says if B wanted them to have a better relationship with their parents, B should have worked harder to encourage it when they were younger (making the effort to take children to see them etc).

Fair point. In what fantasy world do you drop two older kids into an extended family and expect insta-love? Are grandparents expected to feel a special bond to children they see only occasionally?

That said, if I was the grandparent in question I would have extended the offer as a lump sum of money and not specified that anyone was being excluded.

No, families organise themselves in many different ways, and don’t in fact have to conform to your way.

It’s down to B to pay for his kids. Presumably if separate finances were a problem for him then he had a choice not to agree in the first place. That it’s now a problem for B doesn’t mean OP has to appease him and make a problem for herself.

A doesn't see the problem and refuses to bring it up with their parents,

I feel like I’ve missed a bit here. What is the problem? Is B pissed off at the fact he’ll have to pay for his own children to go on a holiday? B sounds like an arse, if so.

But A is responsible for A and her children.

B is responsible for himself and all the children.

A’s family have covered the costs for A, her children and B. How greedy and damn right cheeky do you have to be as B to expect your in-laws to fund your children.

A and B have separate finances so that still stands she is responsible for her and her children. He is responsible for all children and himself. His getting a discount of his own children and himself from the in-laws but still wants more.

Haha that doesn't mean they pay only for their own expenses. And we don't know its B who set this up, and clearly its not ok with B, so not just me.

Yes it has been generously paid for, by the inlaws, not by A. So its now down to a and b to fund the children's places who rather cruelly haven't been paid for.

Yet another adult (B), expecting other people (your parents) to suffer the consequences (paying money out for his children) of his decisions (to have children by two different women).

Your parents had no say or choice in the matter of you having step-children. They are entitled to do whatever they want with their money, and they're choosing to treat their family. They clearly don't see your step-children as family to the same extent as their grandchildren. And why should they?

It's exponentially worse that your step-children have grandparents on their mother's side who they benefit from. Does your DH really think they should get treated by THREE sets of grandparents?

The separate finances and your DH's breathtaking entitlement is sadly typical of so many men in this situation. It's so depressing. I cannot imagine ever getting myself into this sort of situation. Utterly miserable.