Would you expect your spouse to say something?

Or he doesn’t want too because he wants his wife and her family to fund him 🙃

If separate finances where good last month or last year. They are still good today that doesn’t change because of a holiday. A job loss sure but a holiday nah.

Obviously her own husband doesn't understand it either, so....

Do you need to understand it? If it doesn’t suit you then don’t do it - no one said you had to. It does suit OP though, and it’s been their agreement for years. She isn’t financially responsible for his children, he is. It’s on him to pay if he wants them to join.

I'll never understand the whole "this is yours, that's mine" thing, financially or with family.

You're all family.
Do not insist that your husband should stay at home and miss a holiday with his own children just because your parents won't include his children.

Absolutely petty and ridiculous.

As for "joint finances". Fuck that. You pay for half of the children and husband pays for the other half.

You are being a CF yourself, OP.

Take everyone on holiday and just bloody split the shortfall with your husband.

My brother married a women with 2 DC and they had DC together. We were all meant to accept the SC as exactly the same as our niceces/nephews. No difference were premitted and to be fair we mostly played along.

But it was all a charade and fell apart as soon as my brothers relationship fell apart.

You can't force relationships, not even in belended familes. Relationships can be built but none of us can force others feelings or behaviour.

Presumably the step childrens mothers parents wouldnt be expected to pay for A's DC to go on holiday if they were paying for the SC's to go.

B needs to suck it up & pay for his kids to go on the holiday.

Team A

A shouldn’t have to pay because A & B didn’t want to and don’t combine their finances. You can’t suddenly go oh well actually now Its purely going to benefit me please pay.

A and B’s joint children are paid for. A is paid for. B is paid for. B only has to find the money for two children out of his entire 3/4 children. His already getting a bargain. His not having to foot his own bill or half of the costs of his children with the Op.

Op is also happy for B to stay home if he doesn’t want to holiday without her older children. Basically it’s come or don’t come that’s upto you. If you want the older children to come who don’t have a relationship with my parents who are paying you’ll need to stump up. Fairs fair.

That's quite a lot of people to pay for - B should pay for own children.

Honestly, I think your parents are trying to cause trouble. They can’t be foolish enough to think it wouldn’t. Why would they not say “we’ve come in to some money and would love to go away with you all and we are happy to contribute X towards your share. Let us know what you think”

I agree with A, tbh.

And the grandparents are still saving you a considerable amount of money!
You will cover the two older children and the GP will cover 4 additional people. Covering the costs of 2 instead of 6 is clearly financially advantageous...

If my parents were paying for me, dh and kids to go on holiday, I'd definitely try and help dh pay for his kids to come too if I was able too.

I think your dh is being a cheeky asshole trying to get your parents to cover step children too though, they've been generous enough!

I know some of you ladies don't like men commenting on here but I'm going to give it a go anyway.

Am I missing something here if As parents don't want to pay for Bs children why don't A & B pay for B`s children to go because is their relationship not a joint partnership as well.
I have 2 step children who are grown up now but when I got with my wife 32 years ago they were only 10 & 8 we have always shared the cost of everything and I would have never even considered not including them in anything that we did because our relationship is also a partnership where everything is shared equally.
I wouldn't expect my parents to pay even though they always treated them the same as my brothers & sisters children

A has also said if B doesn't want to go/can't afford to then A will go by themselves with joint children and B can stay home

Is A saying, "I will take the money and MY kids away. You have to find your own money if you want to come with yours"? If so, that's a different question.

Basically, the grandparents can do as they please with their money, the problem here is how A and B split their money and resources within their own family unit. A has also said if B doesn't want to go/can't afford to then A will go by themselves with joint children and B can stay home with their own kids - which doesn't bode well for good sibling relationships imo.

It is possible, of course, that the sort of holiday planned would be boring for older children.

I had 2 kids when I got with second husband and we had a child together.
Ex mil DG of joint child was lovely and made things fair my kids never felt pushed out but we would never have dreamt of her making everything equal with holidays etc. T never entered my head to think she should have levelled my kids up. She took dgc on some lovely holidays and had her over to stay in the school hols but it was a different relationship with my kids and rightly so.
People expect too much.
If this was me so I would be parent b I would pay for my own kids or not go.
Step grand parents shouldn't have to walk on egg shells wondering if they are being fair.

You have a decent and generous family - that's how it should be.

It sounds like it’s established that B’s children are his financial responsibility, not hers. Families don’t all have the same financial set up, so there’s no one rule fits all here.

His kids have been invited, so it falls to him to pay for them.

No, she's A

Op hasn’t come back to say why finances are split. So it’s impossible to say whose decision that was.

B might earn more, but A may have wanted separate finances since B has more kids. Plenty of SM don’t want to pay towards their partner kids and plenty on MN agree with that. B may earn more but after CMS not have more. Or B may not earn more at all.

In all honesty, if I was A and my parents were paying for a trip I would rather split the costs for the step kids and have everyone there, instead leaving my partner and his 2 kids at home.

But that’s assuming the relationship is a happy one, which it sounds like it may not be.

This changes my opinion a bit OP, so not only is As parents not paying for Bs children which is understandable, (also depended on money they received whether they could afford extra) but at least they invited step grand children. But As attitude saying if B can't afford for children to go then fine if B doesn't go either!! That I think is shocking, and maybe why As parents don't have much of a relationship with Bs children and also surely family meaning A&B money is shared to include Bs children, How much time do Bs children stay, I am assuming you are B OP. Is it a big holiday can the step children's other family help towards cost? Do what you can to make sure you and they can go, otherwise I'd be inclined to leave

On the face of it most people would initially think A& B should split the cost for the two teens, I certainly did. Then I pondered on this particular set up and wondered about finances being so separate and why B wanted to send A to ask/demand more money. Then I thought about A saying B did not bother about the relationship of steps with ‘Grandparents A’ basically until now. I may have it wrong, but it’s beginning to sound like B earns more and wants to keep that extra right up until the point it’s not in his favour. Stepchildren’s bio mother absolutely should not be asked to pay for this holiday which is nothing to do with her, she will have her own holiday with her children to cover.
Usually finances are shared within families but as B never wanted this until now (after 7 years) it’s unreasonable to expect it to suddenly start. Actually he’s not even offering this is he, he still wants separate finances and also someone else (wife or wife’s parents) to pay for his children for this holiday he has been gifted. He is being greedy and ungrateful, neither of which anre attractive traits.

This is the butt of the issue for me. It’s reasonable that your parents don’t pay for your step children. It’s not reasonable imo that you don’t consider them as part of YOUR family & would share the cost of the additional two people with your DH.

Someone is spending money. Everyone has an opinion on how that money should be spend.

Grandparents have extra money. They want to spend it on biological grandchildren with whom they have a family relationship for a holiday.

They don't want to spend it on associated extended-family children, with whom they don't have a close or meaningful relationship.

Let people spend their extra money how they want and how it will bring them most satisfaction.

However, mum of step-children, has more than the right to reject the offer. She has to cough up for two children - and this is not for a holiday that she chose or for a time she chose.

And her two "step-children" are her everyday priority.

Mum B has the right to re-negotiate and say grandparent's proposal doesn't fit in with her plans due to step-children welfare, however happy to meet up and explore alternative options that also involve step-children.

The A and B shit is tedious. It's clear from the first post you're A

Your H is being ridiculous.

I am a grandmother. If I said to my DS “I would like to treat you and your DW and my wonderful grandchildren to a holiday. Your step children are more than welcome to come along, but I can’t afford/would rather not pay for them” And my DS said - “No you must pay for everybody” I would withdraw the offer! End of.
I don’t understand why so many people think they should be able to control the amount of money or gifts offered.

I think it really depends on A and Bs personal financial setup. A’s parents paying for A and B’s joint children and for B is fair, but expecting A’s parents to pay for B’s children is unfair. Can’t B and his former partner find the money between then for their joint children to go with A and B and A’s parents?