Should I send this text? Or is it desperate?

@CorpusInterruptus I posted the same thing way back at the beginning of the thread. OP said she didn't find him attractive so why bother?

If I’d come to this thread earlier I would have said not to text him. Not because I think women shouldn’t text men or make the first (or second or whatever) move but because I don’t think you were particularly attracted to him. I think texting / trying to arrange another date was more likely about validating yourself by whether he likes you. It should be about whether you like him! No harm done but I think it’s worth reflecting on that possibility.

Oh and I’m 45. For the record 😊

I asked my husband to marry me nearly 35 years ago, I'd have been stuffed following dating rules 😁if you like him send the bloody text.

Exactly!

It comes from a time when women weren’t allowed to show attention to men and it was only the man who was allowed to approach the woman.

Unfortunately, this still happens in some countries/cultures today.

Thankfully, most men aren’t as misogynistic as they were a few years ago and many see women as much more equal.

It always shocks me how many women posters have ingrained misogynistic views in this day and age.

If a man felt that it was wrong for the woman to text first or for her to show/say that she likes him - then that is not a man you want to be with because he already sees you as beneath him, which would carry on the entire relationship.

No emotionally stable adult man or woman would be interested in someone who plays silly games.

Play silly games, win silly prizes.

No. Dont send the text. Leave it up to him.

I followed "the rules" when I was dating my now husband and he confessed some time later that he nearly gave up because he just assumed I wasn't interested!

The New Rules: The dating dos and don'ts for the digital generation from the bestselling authors of The Rules: Amazon.co.uk: Fein, Ellen, Schneider, Sherrie: 9780749957247: Books

Moral of the story - the right person won't want to play games.
My now DH messaged after first day saying we could meet up again and I said sure and we already had another date lined up.
Playing games is stupid.

Anyone who loses interest in you because you honestly and directly communicate your intentions and needs is not someone worth having in your life!

So text him. It's win-win.

If he responds well, win.
If he isn't keen - you can move on. That applies whether it's because he's just not that into you to begin with, and even more so if he loses interest because you texted him - see above.

Not wasting time on someone is a win too. Hence, win-win.

This. Good advice.

Oh OP I want to share my story in the hope it might help you.

I met someone online and we went on date #1, I wasn't too sure after it but he was so nice to me afterwards (via messages) that I decided to give it a go and continue talking to him. Then I felt he went a bit cold. We met for date #2, lots of chatting, we spoke for two hours, I really grew to like him between dates #1 and #2 and even more so after the second meet up because I thought he was so nice, funny etc. He would message me every day but would only send two messages a day. We went on date #3 (fair gaps between all three dates), all went great, he said how we could meet more often yet was still only sending about two messages a day afterwards. Was distant that week after the third date and no mention of meeting up again. There was no progress. I needed either more frequent communication or more frequent dates as everything felt so dragged out and honestly, I still had no idea how he felt. As much as I liked him, I decided not to speak to him anymore due to this constant hot and cold.

When I met my now DH, he was so clear and constant with his communication from the get go.
He also asked us to become official early on.

I would still want to know what the first person thought and if he was playing games 🤷🏼‍♀️ It's like he wasn't bothered to progress but was keen to keep on chatting and not lose contact. When I said I didn't want talk anymore, he said he really liked talking to me.

If you want to see him again why not just invite him out.
No need for hints and games.

Exactly.
If he's not keen, and that puts him off, he's not right for you.

@Sugarandmoresugar10 Good luck.

This.

If you have to play games to 'catch' someone, you will catch a game player. That's not good.

If you want someone honest and straightforward, be honest and straightforward.

ha this reminds me of a date I had once following a double date. We got on well, and I said I'd give him a ring on Thursday. I was quite busy that day so didn't get time, I called him on Friday and he had a right mardy strop about it and said he thought my friend and I had decided he wasn't cool enough for us so that was it (what it had to do with my friend I don't know, or why he didn't just call me). Apparently I was supposed to do the chasing in this case, and I didn't stick to the schedule.... So the 'rules' aren't really set in stone.

I would send the text if you like him.

Send it, you have nothing to lose! He replies and is keen or he replies and he's not. Either way, you have your answer. I wouldn't be with my partner if I hadn't text him to crack on and meet me! I don't agree with men should always be making the first move. Good luck!

HIM ffs. 🤣

He probs would care if you text Jim instead!

This is nonsense. A bloke who likes you won't care one bit if you text jim.

For future reference, OP, the whole vague "this has been lovely, we should do this again" conversation at the end of a first date means, "we're never going to do this again, k thx byeeee."

The OP was wondering because she posted a thread asking what to do.

I'm sure she's capable of multi-tasking and can accomplish more than one thing at the same time.

The whole “men have to chase and women wait to be chased” is bullshit, and designed so that men have all the choices, and also never have to feel uncomfortable by saying yes or no. They can choose whether to take it further. Bollocks to that

I don't believe that. Women have the choice to say no, or yes without the need to feel humiliated. Men can not "choose" to take anything further without facing the possibility of feeling humiliated, rejected or silly when they are told no.

I am not passive, but I would rather gauge someone's interest. I might then reciprocate if I am interested, but I have never had any qualms about saying no thanks when I am not.

As for "send a message otherwise you are left wondering" why are you mooching about wondering, haven't women got other interests besides worrying about whether a man will text them. Unless you are committed to someone you are free to go on other dates. And free to do your hobbies, meet friends, do yoga or even work overtime or whatever you would normally be doing.

Whether its old fashioned or not, I would rather let a man chase, and I will reciprocate if that is what I want. Men like independent confident women, and making a man aware that he has to make an effort for you is no bad thing. Equality isn't about two things being the same in every respect, but about two things being equivalent even if they are different.

When you said to him you'd have bought him a drink , you thought it may have come across as being too nice. I'm afraid I think it came across as too eager to please . Please stop analysing and overthinking things , you'll find someone who appreciates you without you trying too hard .

It's not 1700

Women can ask. Men or women aren't telepathic.

If everyone waited and dithered bo knew would date.

the way i would manage this - if it takes a lot of your brainspace and energy thinking if you need to reach out or not, then get it out of way and send a text.
IF you can live your life without analysing 25 different scenarios based on sending/not sending a text, then I would not reach out.
actually, if it was me I would likely leave at that for 2-3 weeks at least.

Sorry. Just seen update! Never mind. But I still think the decision to Send was the right one.

Send it.
Faint heart never won fair maiden, or similar or equivalent.
Send it.