To be jealous of people having babies outside of a COVID world

It does sound like it was difficult op. Could your mum not have come to help you out or was she isolating? People were allowed to visit those who needed mental health support. My next door neighbour had twins in the first lockdown and her parents came each day to support her- they all bubbled together I suppose. But I get that’s not always possible if your parents were shielding.
lockdown was a difficult time for mums in general I think. Particularly hard for new parents but also hard for those with toddlers, primary aged kids and teens. It was unprecedented and impossible at times to teach and entertain children and work home from and ensure they didn’t blow the house up all at the same time. The after effects ripple on for so many children. I think we could all dwell on it but it doesn’t help really and isn’t healthy to do so.

I think you need to realise that lockdown was shitty for everyone. There doesn't need to be a competition for who had the worst experience. You probably are a bit traumatised because first baby is a really difficult time, add to that the serious headfuck of a pandemic and I appreciate it would have been hard.

We all missed out on a chunk of our lives that should have been different. You could say oh well at least I wasn't a nurse on a covid ward, or having to homeschool my dc whilst holding down a WFH job, or scared I was going to die soon as I have asthma or over 70, or not see my grandchildren when they are young or totally isolated because I'm single or have my important exams fucked up, or experience university during lockdown.

To be honest the amazing baby years you seem to think others have fly by in a haze of sleeplessness and mangled nipples. Having babies isn't the glamorous holiday you think it should be. There's lots of us had those days where you can't eat or wash yourself. This experience isnt confined to lockdown. Some enjoy family help, others get nothing, others wish their in law's would piss off!!!

I think you need to reframe. You had a peaceful maternity leave spending lots of time as a little family unit. That's special in its own way. You have not missed your early years experience.

As a pp said.. . Be grateful you have a baby. Try going over to the infertility forum and moaning about a lack of baby groups.

I know how you feel op, it was the same for me with my first DC. I don’t think anyone who didn’t have a baby in lockdown would understand. I’m on mat leave with my second DC now and it is so much better, I can’t emphasise how much happier I am. I find it really hard when first time mums are complaining about things at baby groups and I’m sitting there like at least you are here at the group with your baby for a break. And I don’t care about the hard bits this time as I’m just so happy to be out and seeing people.

I’m so sorry OP. I completely get what you’re saying. It’s like grieving for that new baby experience that you didn’t have. You need to somehow come to terms with it. Have you considered counselling? 🌷

Ive got teens and I always said how sorry I was for new mums during Covid. Awful. 😢

OP I completely get you on this and feel the same. My 1st was born 4 days before lockdown but by the time we got out the hospital it was too late for visitors etc before the lockdown came in to force. No classes, groups etc etc. My child didn't interact with another child until they were 15 months old! It makes me sad and upset that I was robbed of that time and now they're off to school in September.
When I look back at the photos it's sometimes hard seeing the same 4 walls in all of them when I see friends and family now with their babies doing everything I wanted to do.

My DS2 was born in 2008, but I doubt you would be jealous of my experience.

Rate genetic condition. In the neonatal unit for 6 weeks, all the nurses speaking in hushed tones about how they'd never seen a baby with his condition despite their 10 years of experience.

Then when he came home I didn't have a baby, I had a patient. Tube feeds every 3 hours. Countless hospital appointments and home visits. No baby groups. People staring at us whenever we went out because he looked so different.

So just count your blessings that you had a healthy baby.

I feel same OP, not jealous as such, but just so sad that the things that are normal or would have made having a new baby slightly more normal weren't available to us.
Also sometimes the disbelief that you can do things like going to a cafe with a small baby, have other people hold your baby, have visitors in hospital after birth - my brain doesn't compute!

You can be sad about it, and jealous and angry - your feelings are totally valid and it's okay to feel them. Sending you the biggest hug @Shaveacave and just know you aren't alone.

I had my babies after covid but i had an extremely traumatic experience and am also very angry/bitter about how it went. I'm having therapy for it which has helped, if this is something you would consider.

Sending you lots of love xxx

On the bright side you had a baby. I started off just before lockdown miscarrying an IVF baby and wasn't able to have treatment until 2021 and get pregnant after that.

Thanks for writing this OP it has been helpful just to read it, I was lucky enough to have my first before lockdown but I am not over the experience of having my second in lockdown either, sometimes it feels very isolating - it’s not easy to shake off a year of trauma & grief for the loss of everything you couldn’t do together & the horrible uncertainty & fear of those times. If some people found it easy to deal with then great for them but you’re certainly not alone dealing with this. What helps for
me is to acknowledge how hard it was and how well we did to get through it, and how happy we are to be on the other side. I don’t think these threads are usually helpful - when I had a baby in NICU and toddler to deal with as well in lockdown and was struggling a poster on here told me it was because I was of a soft generation who were too reliant on soft plays which she didnt have in her day 😖is it helpful to discuss with DH before you see people? Eg say I am so looking forward to seeing amy’s new baby and I also just want to say xxx’ to get the feelings off your chest before you go in?

I'm so sorry you had that experience op. I honestly don't know how people coped having first babies during covid. My friend did and it sounded so tough.

If it makes you feel less alone I had a traumatic time when my youngest was a baby (although that was after covid). It's over now but occasionally for fleeting moments I think back and genuinely wonder to myself how I got through it. I end up crying if I think about it too deeply so I just try to forget about it but it has definitely left a scar.

This, although mine were lockdown and post lockdown.

The second was bliss in comparison, of course there were actual issues like health problems with DC, sleepless nights and all the rest but it was hugely different to be able to see people and talk things through, even just those shallow conversations at baby groups.

The experiences were a world apart.

This! I feel you OP I completely understand. I remember being so jealous at the time of my friends who’d purposefully conceived during lockdown and everything had gone back to normal and they got all the groups etc, whereas I who’d planned the baby before covid was on the horizon had the whole mat leave completely ruined. It was an awful time I had severe PND and don’t remember a lot of it I think my brain has blocked it out. So I hear you 💕

Yep, I think this post hits the nail nicely on the head. The strength of your feelings OP, all these years later, is not normal or healthy. I had my first during covid, and actually, I liked the excuse to hide away as a family, just me, my husband and our brand new baby. It gave us real privacy to enjoy our little newborn bubble - I didn't have any urge to show off the baby or go to groups. It's ok that you feel you missed out on all that, but it feels a bit performative given the weight you are still putting on those things 4 years later. Having had my second 10 months ago the circumstances of his first few weeks/months were obviously the polar opposite of when his sister was born, but I don't feel that they were significantly 'better' Just different.

Sending love. It sounds like you have a thoughtful husband and it was a really shit time.
Do you think you'll have another?
I wonder about if another baby and getting to "do labour right" will help me heal from my previous experience. I wonder if the same might be true? (Obviously only if you want another one! Not suggesting you have another baby just for that reason!)

I was just coming here to say this 🙄

Honestly, you need to stop being jealous of new mums now as you have no idea really what it would have been like to have a baby not in lockdown so you can’t really compare!

I’ve had a baby pre lockdown and a baby in lockdown and I confirm the lockdown experience was comparatively absolutely horrendous.

YANBU OP.

I understand it must have been really tough. I was discussing it with a friend today actually, I couldn't imagine not being able to go out and about or see my parents.

BUT it's not helpful for you to be seething with jealousy, it's a literal waste of time and energy. You and your family are happy and healthy, focus on the positives now, not the negatives of the past.

No - I do not think my response is ‘glib’ and lacking in self awareness - I’d have rather had my 3 previous births in lockdown to be honest!!!!! The pressure of having to get ready for certain things and make endless cups of tea for endless unwanted visitors was not great with my first 3, I had time to actually do sweet fa really with my 4th and could sit on the sofa and watch tv with her napping and bonding, no worries about having to go to a group and struggle with breastfeeding and make inane conversation with people I didn’t particularly want to be friends with! And the house didn’t need to be particularly tidy - it was great!!

I'm sorry it was so pants. Like a pp, Both of mine were teens and fine. We coped fine. But you have to talk this out, think about it, and let it go, don't let it stew. Many others were worse affected by Covid.

Also there is no “standard experience” of mat leave. My eldest spent her first year in and out of hospital. With periods of pre operation quarantine.

That way madness lies OP. You can’t worry about what it would be like pre COVID, post COVID, in WW2, in medieval times or anything else. It is what it is.

I feel terribly about the fact that throughout lockdown I utterly failed to homeschool my then 6 yo, who I now know to have ADHD, whilst doing a very responsible, full time public sector job which both couldn’t be furloughed (public sector couldn’t be) and didn’t qualify as “key” (so why make me keep doing it?). As a single parent whose exh decided that was a good block of time to opt out of parenting. I feel like I utterly failed DS at a really key foundation stage of his education. But what you going to do?

Equally those with teenagers due to sit exams, or missing their friends horribly, or young adults locked in universities, probably felt it hit at just the worse time in their children’s lives, just the point where it was the most significant hit for them.

All the stages kids could be at in lockdown sucked tbh.

I have a Covid baby so i do understand, some of my friends never held my baby at all - and he’s now way past the cuddling stage!

I definitely get why you might feel a bit sorry about it or feel a bit crap that you didn’t get the experience you wanted but I don’t get the “seething with jealousy” level of feelings.

Your reality is what you make it, if you persist with these thoughts then you will continue to feel this way. Taking stock of what you have, being present in the moment and practicing gratitude may help. If you can’t move past it then id seek some therapy because your feelings sound much deeper than just a general sense of disappointment or sadness that might be expected 4 years later