To be jealous of people having babies outside of a COVID world

OP - I understand. I had a baby (my last and husband's first) in May 2020. It was a planned homebirth which was wonderful, but the time after that was hard. I also a 10 and 13 yo I needed to support re homeschooling.

I’m so sorry for you and all the mums who had to go through this. Our dd was born at the end of covid - things were open and happening again but hospitals were still strict - no visitors and DH was testing positive until the day before labour so nearly wasn’t allowed at the birth. Baby massage etc was all still online but there was a local baby group open. I found becoming a new mum tough enough, even more so with the last of covid restrictions, I can’t imagine how I’d have ever coped having a baby in peak covid.

You’re so strong to have managed it, I know for sure I wouldn’t have. And your wonderful daughter is a testimony of your strength and what a wonderful mum you’ve become despite everything that happened - never forget that!

I have mixed feelings about my lockdown baby (april2020). I am one and done so will never know the difference but I had pros and cons.
I never am particularly social so wouldn't have attended baby classes so didn't miss that.
After a 20+ hour labour and emergency c section it would have been nice to have partner there for more that 20 mins. I was handed a baby and left to it (not bashing the HCPs were lovely, just a bit distant).
Didn't get support with breast feeding apart from a lovely midwife a couple days after birth actually showing me techniques ad opposed to attempting to shove my boob in my sons mouth (that was at the hospital).
I went back to work after 7 weeks and my partner was a SAHD because realistically I couldn't cope very well. Don't know if that was lockdown or just me being a bit useless.
But it was nice having no random visitors or any expectations the first few months. Scary times back then. There wasn't much support in place but when you did get it it seemed like the professionals were genuinely trying to help just hugely overstretched.

I think it's anyone with kids. They all missed a stage in life. DS was 7 and had his clubs cancelled some of which have never returned the same. I openly opposed lockdown, work through it and still feel we were cheated out of a chunk of our kids childhood for no reason.

It’s crap, you’re right. Try not to
dwell on it though as it won’t do you or those around you any good. Xx

I didn’t have a lockdown baby, but my closest friend did. It was her first too. Baby was months old when I first had a cuddle. I’d go every day and talk to her from the end of her path. Her family don’t live in our city so she was similarly isolated. I really felt for her.

I know she longs to have a more “normal’ experience. And (even though I am a tremendously antisocial person), I fully recognise how challenging having a baby in lockdown was, especially a first. Not just the support and social aspects being wildly different at best, utterly non-existent at worst. But also the genuine fear for your newborn baby’s health but honestly - none of us knew what on earth was going to happen.

I was a first time mum in a 2020 lockdown (in a one bed flat) and had my second baby 12 days ago.

I definitely understand your feelings as I hadn't quite appreciated how hard it was the first time round until I had this baby! This pregnancy and post partum all feels like a doddle and not only because I know what I’m doing. Last week alone we had three midwife visits (compared to none as a first time parent!) and friends have brought round curries and pastries all week. I feel so supported and relaxed while last time I felt isolated and permanently a bit frightened. In fact, the support we’ve had this time feels a little over the top just because of the stark contrast!

All the midwives acted like I had the plague when I attended my scheduled antenatal appointments in 2020 (they were palpably annoyed and borderline hostile to see people in person) and it was generally a scary time for everyone. It took me ages to recover from a section too as I had to lift up my baby straight after surgery since my partner wasn’t allowed on the ward and none of the staff had capacity to help.

I remember friends calling to complain and vent about the lockdowns rather than support me as a new mum. I don’t even blame them as the news was awful and everyone was anxious all the time! I think everyone largely forgot about new parents amidst their own suffering and it was so hard for anyone to be mentally healthy at such a time. Others are right that we weren’t the most hard done by people at this time, but this doesn’t diminish what we went through. Plus it doesn’t better our situation to think how others had it worse! I definitely feel for you. We really were short changed at a vulnerable point in life.

On the plus side, I loved having my partner work from home at this time (I recognise everyone’s not lucky enough to have this) and feel he’s an exceptionally involved and well bonded dad as a result. We figured out everything together and we have a lovely family dynamic now. I don’t have a close knit family who’d drop everything to help so in this respect I consider myself very lucky to have had my first at that weird moment of history.

I hear you, DD was born February 2020. We had just moved city and I was looking forward to doing baby groups and making mom friends. I still have very few friends here due to missing that.

I am lucky that I did get to do it first time around with DS.

I don't think you're unreasonable but is it really about lockdown?
My baby was not born during a lockdown, but I have some regrets about pregnancy and early motherhood that could quite easily consume me if I allowed them to. I find it hard sometimes to hear others talking about their pregnancies, especially knowing I don't have another child. I just have to swallow my feelings and move on as I can't change anything.

It’s fine to cope but what isn’t fine is the ‘I coped and enjoyed it so why didn’t you love this scary global pandemic?’

Of course they are, I’m just telling people like OP to take no notice.

Don’t listen to ‘I just got on with itpre-pandemic, me’ wankers.

So no-one is allowed to have a contrary experience, they have to fit the MN mould? Maybe some people think that those who can't seem to cope with anything are also 'wankers', I don't include myself in that but the MN attitude that certain groups deserve to be sneered at and insulted regularly is very tiresome.

YANBU but:

1. People's experience of Covid lockdown varied a lot. I didn't have a baby in Covid but there were other reasons why the lockdown was absolute hell for us and I was SO incredibly jealous of all those people with gorgeous houses and gardens, who didn't get sick or lose any loved ones. Or my BIL who spent a year on his arse doing fuck all while getting paid 100% of his salary. So you are not alone in how you feel. We were not all in the same boat at all.

1. Women's experience of first time motherhood also varies a lot. I have a small baby now and my life is nothing how I imagined it would be at this stage, for other reasons. Am I disappointed and a bit jealous of other women who seem to have what I don't? Yes. But all I can do is focus on my little family and all the good stuff we do have going on.

I get your being upset.

Remember that you need not have been affected as much as needs have been if the Prime Minister had been doing his job in early March 2020, and that the current one made things worse by the 'eat out to help out' scheme.

Remember this when the general election comes.

Just horrific. And some people like to claim we only knew this in hindsight.

Absolutely. I worked with one of those children who was killed by their parent. And there was so much condemnation of her. And very little of the absent father who moved abroad and left her alone to care for a very complex child. Of course there was no world in what she did was ok, but knowing how challenging the child's behaviour was, and how bring trapped in a flat would have been unbearable for both of them, I think the government should have done much more to support the most vunerable during this time. Not only those vunerable to covid, but those vunerable to struggling immensely with a lockdown. Everyone found it challenging in their own way of course, but there are those for whom it was so traumatic that they couldn't go on.
My baby born in lockdown hasn't suffered any negative effects from it, but my oldest definitely has in terms of disruption to her education and social skills at a critical age.

Mumsnet is such a strange place at times.
I genuinely feel like if you didn't have a lock down baby you can't even begin to imagine.

I had a baby pre lock down, a baby towards the end of lockdown and a baby post lock down.

My middle had complications during the pregnancy (all fetal med appts were alone) and was in neonatal unit for a week. I was also on the shielding list and it was the worst experience.

We weren't sure how many babies we were going to have and my husband and I made the decision right then we were having a 3rd because I couldn't let that be my lasting memory of pregnancy/childbirth.

As it turns out... more complications with baby #3 and a worse childbirth but it felt 100% better this time.

Absolutely you aren't unreasonable!

children murdered by their own parents or killed in accidents which were caused directly through lockdown: it was government approved child neglect and appalling.
This. The legacy of the government who knew the virus was not the mortal danger they were telling the public it was, as proven by their shameless partying, while they stuck two fingers up at the public, condemned many people to loneliness, destroyed their businesses, and caused very lasting harm to children's development and education.

Jeez some people really really need to learn how to read a fucking room.

I was talking about it with a (male) colleague a while ago - they had their first child in the lockdowns, second one just recently and he commented on how he now realised just how brutally hard the lockdown baby period was (as a full-time working, so not taking the brunt of it, father).

Society is meant to be... well social - lockdowns were absolutely shit on everyone (unless you had a lovely house, in the countryside, a curtain twitching obsession, competitive judgement as your main hobby and liked baking fucking banana bread).

Covid was hard for parents in lots of different ways at different stages. I feel like I was lucky with one of mine and less lucky with the other.my oldest was 3 and was miserable- really struggled with nursery closing and then had a very disrupted first year of school. Her year is challenging socially and anecdotally lots of schools seem to say their year 3/4s still have some Covid lag.

My youngest was a year older than yours so had a pretty normal mat leave but it was tough going back to work with no nursery provision. Working with a 1yo was pretty horrible but I think her age was not too affected by the pandemic and she wasn’t really that bothered- if anything an extra 6 months at home was probably good for her . I think your cohort has a tough time with newborns and social isolation and has a worse time of it than I did with a child a year above.

I would have been upset about this too but even outside of lockdown, not all mums get support from family. I was on my own 7am-7pm in the week and my mum didn’t visit very often despite not working and living 15 minutes away.

And if it helps - my lockdown made me realised how privileged I had been, what I had now lost and how little my teen/pre-teen really needed me any more. We lost a lot (financially) BUT it opened my eyes to a new way of thinking and ensuring that I concentrated on my career and me. Not totally out of it yet but I have to take the positives :)

Hi OP
i totally feel for you, it must have been hideous for you and I applaud all lockdown newborn parents - I’m endlessly grateful for just a couple of people who I could turn to at that stage. It must have been so lonely.

But your dc will start school with peers and you with other parents who had the same experience and I’m sure this will help in the long term.

and it’s totally normal to be jealous of what advantages others have or don’t. The grass always seems greener and I suspect they will have a better earlier years experience than you did, but keep your eyes on the prize and look at your dd. You would have enhanced your experience, of course, but don’t take away that experience from yourself 🥰

Just wanted to add my sympathies OP. I had a June 2020 baby. My husband was working from home, and my 2 year old was able to continue at nursery for 4 days a week. We’re in London, but have a big house and garden, so plenty of space and parks nearby. Objectively, I should have been absolutely fine… but actually I was bored out of my mind, felt like I was going round the twist and was DESPERATE for some structure to my day, ways to get out of the house and opportunities to talk to grown ups. I am absolutely not one of the snuggle-at-home-in-pyjamas types, it makes me feel grotty, cross and bored. I feel like I spent most of my mat leave doing resentful circuits of the park with the pram, talking to no one and going slowly round the bend.

I had been super anxious with my first baby, so for the second had planned for the first 6 months of Mat leave to be as much about me recovering (plenty of yoga with the baby, exercise classes, some socialising with other mums). Obviously I didn’t get any of that, and still feel resentful! I think it has had a longer term impact on my mental health than I can really explain. I think that’s totally legit - , obviously people had it way worse than me, but I think it’s reasonable to be upset if your own plans and expectations weren’t met.

just becuase it has felt weirdly cathartic to me to type this out, I’d suggest talking more about your experiences (perhaps with a counsellor?) to help lay it to rest a bit? I might do that myself, in fact.

The only thing I would say, was that lockdown was really, really awful for everyone. I remember being thankful that at least I was at home with a wanted baby being a bit of a hermit, which I may have been anyway. Also my friends who were having fertility issues had treatments stopped, people who didn’t have kids yet couldn’t travel or live their lives. So in that respect, I’d still have rather had a newborn then as oppose to it happening two years earlier when I was living in a much smaller place and travelling the world. Swings and roundabouts.