To yearn for a third child

Just to warn you - my first spent 4 months in hospital, surgery, lifelong condition. Went for another. No 2 has a completely unrelated but also serious diagnosis and had surgery and spent months in hospital. I did kind of think there would be healing from the trauma of the first time when we decided to go for it.

I don’t regret it and love them dearly. And I get what you mean. I do slightly wonder about a 3rd but know it isn’t sensible with our house size and finances and the risk of whatever else could happen after our luck.

But my own siblings are spread 2 close together and then a little afterthought and it’s been great from that side of things!

Are you rich enough to give 3 everything? ….their own rooms…still have the same holidays you would have had with 2 ….still be able to pay for all their activities…..be able to provide for uni for them all….if so then that’s great …..I’m 59 now with 3 school age GDs ……I would only have 2 if I hadn’t have had my 3rd DC ….so no regrets really……but in order to give my 3 children everything I would have given my 2 children I have worked full time for more years tHan I would have wanted

I have 3….all grown …..if I had my time again I wouldn’t have had 3 …if I was making that choice in the current climate it would be a no brainer …..2 is enough

i had a boy 6 and a girl 4 when I had my 3rd….I was 32…..my DD had started school and I went back to having a pre schooler…..felt like I had been set back 5 years…..the added expense of 3 was a factor….,holidays are geared to 2 adults and 2 children….so are days out…and 3 take up much more of your time…..and money….I didn’t want my children to bedroom share …..as 3rd baby was a boy…..so tooo big a age gap for the 2 Boys to share…so we had the expense of a loft conversion….of course once they are here you get on with it….but it was hard days

I had a not identical but similar experience with my second having a PICU admission as a newborn and being very unwell. Then when he was 4 months COVID hit so his babyhood was not what I expected or planned for and I also felt quite traumatised by what had happened. I had even before I had him thought I would like a third, but the feelings I had around what happened definitely made me feel like I had an even stronger urge for another. I felt like I didn't want that to be my last experience of having a newborn and that a more positive experience would somehow make up for what I missed with my second.

Like you I'm hugely lucky that my second is now healthy and with no lasting effects of what happened, and obviously he has no memory of any of it.

My husband didn't want a third and now that they're 7 and 4 I'm pretty much at peace with it and can see the positives of our family size. I think some of the things that have helped me get to this point are:

1. I accessed talking therapies that helped me to process what had happened. Having a baby in PICU is a massive thing to go through and counselling or other talking therapies can be really helpful to talk it through.

1. Time has helped, both with my feelings about what happened and also with the urge to have another.

1. Reminding myself that there are no guarantees with any of this stuff, for anyone. I could have another child and have a similar or worse thing happen. And even if I had another and everything went fine, I would still feel sad at times about what happened with my second, and that's ok. Another baby wouldn't cancel out what happened. I definitely idealised the "normal" experience of having a newborn as well, whereas the reality is that it can be a really difficult time for lots of people for all sorts of reasons.

Sometimes you just have to follow your heart

What about her DH? He has been clear he doesn't want another baby.

So I could have written your post this time last year. I had a 3 and 1 year old and could not get the thought of having a 3rd out of my head I couldn't imagine a future without a third child in it. It consumed me. And like you I had a poorly baby, moved house with a 2 week old, had post natal anxiety and some horrific family stuff happen all at the same time. It was a LOT.
I'm due to have my third next week and I am absolutely extatic. Sometimes you just have to follow your heart.

Yes, we were 35 and 43.5.

Would you be kind enough to explain why? Did you have big age gaps or quite close together?

I wanted a third every day since ds2 was 3 days old. DH wavered when he was 9, and we have a 10 year gap between them. I was 42 when she was born. The broody feelings evaporated (and I went into perimenopause as soon as I stopped nursing at 45).

It is fantastic. I love the big gap. The third feels like a tremendous gift.

there is time.

I always wanted a big family and after we had 2, I felt they were hard work (they were as they were 20 months apart, so basically two babies at once!). So it took a while and eventually, we went for the third because I could not get the idea of a third out of my head. We even got a dog before, as I thought the dog would be my baby (the dog is my baby even though she is now 6 years old!) But even after the dog, I could not forget about having a third baby. So we went for it. She is now 4 and we are very happy (we already had a girl and boy, so it was jsut another baby boy or girl I wanted). Anyway, I think it all depends. If you have time on your hands you can wait. We have a big gap from the 2nd to third (6 years) bc it took a while until I felt ready after having the first two twenty months apart. And we are comfortable financially, house big enough for each to have their own room (although have no problem w them sharing if needed, as 2 of them choose to sleep with one of us still). I say, if you have space, financially stable and young enough to wait....then you could just wait and see. Maybe your dh will come around....most men do....as I think it is common for one to want one more and the other not sure or not keen (at least I have seen this from friends). And once the baby is here or eventually the man changes his mind.

Dh was not keen on the dog and then we got it and he is the most smitten.....loves the dog so so so much and now it is him asking for another dog and me saying I think we are fine (as the dog we have I think would be jealous). And he was not so keen for a third, as he always felt we were not ready because the two we had first were a handful....but anyway he gave in and now the third is daddy's girl (the other two were more about mama). Anyway, no regrets. But each will have their own experience and it depends...you just have to look at the whole picture to see what is right.

What will you do if you have another unpleasant and distressing experience? Or your child is not healthy, or the added stress and expense ruin your marriage? Try to be happy with what you have - 2 healthy children, and make the most of being financially comfortable.

Snide tbh

So another child would make life lovely and make up for missing "normality" when the second child was born ill?
Perhaps you need help with your mental outlook?

Oh I hear you, I really do. For me it stings when I hear about people going into labour (would’ve loved that experience rather than waiting in a crowded hospital being hooked up to drips) and also the whole ‘popping them out then being home 3 hours later’. Both times my kids needed days in hospital and then readmission shortly after coming home (for relatively minor things, nothing like you went through so sorry if I sound a whinger), so I never had that ‘awww were home, time for snuggles and visitors’ thing. My first was also only 6 months when covid hit so most of my maternity leave was spent holed up in our flat going mad with a crawling and then walking baby.

Keep venting, you sound like underneath you are very sensible but you just need to let all your thoughts and feelings out somewhere 🌷

I have 3 and I remember when my 2nd reached 18 months it was like a switch went off and I all of sudden had a unbelievable yearning for another, she's currently sat next to me and she's amazing!

all I will say is days out/ holidays mega expensive. Potentially have to get a bigger car to fit 3 car seats if yours isn't sufficient (we had to do this) being outnumbered isn't ideal on rides and what not.

food shop goes up, and honestly I've never felt as though life is whizzing by quite like I have since my 3rd was born. and someone always needs a new pair of shoes.

We have 3DC, they are now 12, 14 and 16 and it's fabulous. I do not regret having 3DC. If you are considering private education you can easily afford to have 3DC and I think another sibling is a greater gift for a child than a posh school. We prioritised a larger family over going private and it has definitely been the right decision for us. DH is from a family of 3, I'm from a family of 4. Bigger families are great.

My husband wouldn’t entertain the idea of a third until my second was 2 and a half. A year later, we now have three (Aged 5.5, 3.5 and 8 weeks. Do you think with time he may come round to the idea? You’re in the thick of it with a toddler at the moment!

I can’t really relate to this as I didn’t want more than one child and never got the urge to keep having more.

But it self evidently will pass? You won’t always want another child. You just have to sit it out.