To yearn for a third child

Having a third child wouldn't heal anything, healing only comes from within and it's a lot to put on a child. I'm sorry for your experience but it's very possible that a third experience could be traumatic in other ways. Those lovely peaceful baby days in my experience are a one time only event, when you've got other children you can't recreate that quiet with your first one. I wonder if some of what you experienced with your second is just life as a busy parent. With a first child you've still got a foot in a child free life. Your husband has a valid point about age, 40 isn't old to be a parent but it does mean you'll be at the primary school gates at 50 and that's not for everyone, personally my children will be adults by that age and I'm happy for that. Might be worth getting some counselling I think to help understand how you feel more, or how your husband feels.

I have 3. I wanted a third almost as soon as I had my second by DH was not up for it. 2 year later he changed his mind and now we have three teenagers. I absolutely don’t regret it. Yes we have a bigger car, yes holidays are more complicated but I love having a bigger family. They are all so different and interesting. The small child bit is a short time really. I guess we would be better off with 2 financially but we are better off now in so many other ways.

You have the same age gaps as my kids. They have just turned 9 and 3 and I'm thinking about a third. Could I please message you privately just to ask how you managed the age gaps? I'm so worried about unintentionally neglecting my eldest while I have two little ones

How has it been with 3 if you don't mind me asking? Did you have big age gaps!

I understand where you're coming from, completely. My first two boys had problems at birth, but more so with my second. I couldn't breastfeed due to their complications and life was full of medical appointments for the first couple of years with my second. They're both absolutely fine now, and happy/healthy. While I didn't exactly plan for more, I think I did feel deep down a kind of longing for a 'normal' time of it (which, in reality, isn't a given). I had that with my 3rd - and actually, when it came to it, it felt odd NOT to have medical things non-stop. Ironically, he's the most difficult of them all now he's older lol. But I love them all dearly. I'm 43 now, and definitely won't have more. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do :-)

My little girl turned 5 not too long ago, and I remember feeling so sad that my first little baby is growing up, and not that 6lb baby anymore, but I remember how she amazes me everyday, she is able to have full on conversations, we laugh together, we can do activities that we both actually enjoy… she is getting real personality and it’s so excited to see who she is going to becoming, remember there is so many wonderful years to come with our not so little babies!! And she still loves cuddles!

Honestly the pregnancy/ newborn and baby stage is such a tiny part of the parenting journey though it doesn’t seem it at the time.

We stopped at two as did most other families and very glad we did. Even easy teens are extremely expensive and labour intensive we frequently say thank got there are only two of them. Also two of the same sex similar age can make for an easy life if they broadly get on. We have been able to do so much with ours as a family as not hampered by a baby or much younger child

I have three, like you, we had 2 but I longed for a third. It’s crazy busy but I honestly love it. My older 2 were 5 and 3and a half when number 3 was born. The younger years are amazing but also hard - I always remember what a lovely old friend said to me “ the younger years are brilliant and insane at the same time but always think about who will be sat around your table in the years ahead”. I think I was also conscious that we’re older parents so like to think of them having each other when we’re no longer here.

No problem!
Mine are now 9 and almost 7 - fantastic ages. As it was sunny today and I finished work early we went after school to a cafe before Brownies/tennis and sat outside and chatted about the day, what we want to do at the weekend etc. Honestly when you get to spend time like that with your kids, you appreciate how brilliant they are at the age they are, when they can talk to you, play with you, do things with you. Parenting really isn't all about the newborn stage - in fact it is a tiny, tiny part of it (and not necessarily the best).

Well I guess I mean he can live like any other child would. Be potty trained, go to school, make friends, learn, run, jump, express himself, one day cook, run a home, drive, have a job and his own family - not rely on you for the rest of his life well into adulthood.
A periodic appointment is fine, something you can manage and see just like an annual trip to the dentist. I hope the next goes well.

Having seen your newborn baby so so poorly (and mercifully he is now fine), would you ever risk having a child that could have the same condition? What if next time it's even worse and your child is permanently affected. If that wouldn't throw an unwelcome spanner in the works in your nice family set up, nothing will.
The newborn stage is not the only part of parenthood. Yes you 'missed' that with your son but you have years and years ahead to thankfully enjoy him, now healthy, and watch him grow into a lovely toddler and child.

I have two, my dsis has three. She told me she regretted having a 3rd and made her dh get the snip.

I had 2 very difficult pregnancies and births but I would absolutely love a third... and a fourth... I don't think its on the cards for us personally but I'm incredibly sad about it.

I went through something a bit similar. I felt I missed out on a lot of my second child's babyhood rather traumatically and wanted another shot at it! What I finally realized was that even if the third's babyhood was perfect (which is far from guaranteed, as I know third children who have challenging health/developmental struggles) then I would probably just feel WORSE that my second child's was not!

Turns out, I didn't want another child, really (and for many reasons it wasn't a good idea for us); I wanted a time machine. But I can't have one, and once I accepted that, I am very happy with our very close family of four.

It’s not neglect of course….but it’s not what I wanted for my children…..I didn’t want 2 boys with an age difference of 7 year sharing ….and I didn’t want my DD to share with a brother as she grew up and became a tween and teenager you might be fine with this🤷‍♀️…so you do you

My husband didn’t want a third till DD2 was 3.5 . I always wanted 3 but I already came to terms with it as I can’t force him to have another child and also, we had a 6 year age gap already between DD1 and 2 so not keen on starting all over again.
One day, one of our family friends had a 3rd baby and dh said he’s not really against trying again if I still want to and that was it. He’s now 1 and we both know we are certainly done and done but i have no regrets , I love him to bits but I would have been happy either way.

OP, I had two and had always desperately wanted a big family. My husband was set on two for many reasons, and I had to make my peace with that although always still wished we could have another. Many years later we had an accidental pregnancy and as a result now have a third child- and you know what? Weirdly I know have a yearning for a 4th even though it is 99% never going to happen. I guess my point is some people (including me) never quite get over wanting ‘just one more.’

Your point?

@Kobbletrip I can absolutely relate to your feeling to wanting to have a 'normal' newborn experience. My one child was born during lockdown and hardly met anyone in his first year. I look at new mums now at baby groups, in cafes, being with grandparents etc and I feel a very deep sadness on all we missed out on. We have no nice photo of the three of us when he was born as he needed medical intervention, then my partner had to leave due to COVID restrictions. And then feeding was horrendous for first month or so meaning we couldn't leave house - again I see people out and about with their newborns and feel sad that when mine was that age we were having an awful time and barely getting through each day. I don't want a second child but that doesn't mean I don't yearn for what I missed out on and wish I could do it all again 'normally' (but I am also very aware that many people's experiences are much worse and so I try and keep that sense of perspective).

I stopped at 2 both adults now i never had the urge for anymore.
My sister stopped at one then had another 18 year later.
My friend had 2 but got round her husband for a 3rd and it more than hard work she said she wished she stopped at 2.

Oh come on room sharing is hardly neglect 🙄