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Original poster

I need my brother-in-law out of my house but it will impact on his children

181 replies

MebraZebra · 09/05/2024 16:40

Sorry guys but this is going to be an emotional dump. I live with my partner in a tiny 2 bed house and it's barely big enough for us. We're moving for a fresh start in a few months but there's one problem, his brother. He's been living with us rent free for 7 months now due to a relationship breakdown. He's unemployed, in debt and has just made a lot of stupid decisions. He never asked to move in, just showed up one day and never left and somehow even got a key cut! I told my partner I did not want his brother living with us but alas more and more of his stuff started showing up. Realistically I would have thrown him out months ago but there's a spanner in the works, he has 2 toddlers who are at my house constantly. They are here 4/7 days a week at least as their mother works (obviously he's unemployed so expected to do the child care? Idk and don't want to interfere in their system). They're messy, noisy and are displaying behaviour problems due to the awful situation they're in with their parents. They all live together in my spare bedroom which unfortunately was being used as storage prior to their arrival, I have nowhere else to put my stuff. It's not a good environment for the children, they have ruined my property, eating my food and my bills have sky rocketed. I've told my partner time and time again his brother is not moving house with us but he won't back me up because of the children, he doesn't want to make his brother homeless and the children's lives worse.

This whole situation has impacted my mental and physical health so much. I don't want to leave our bedroom on my days off work because I feel my privacy is non existent and I work nights so never get any sleep in the day due to the shouting kids. What on earth do I do?

AIBU if I tell him he has 6 weeks to go? This isn't my responsibility

OP posts:
littlebitstuck2024 · 09/05/2024 17:51

I echo what everyone else has said, move out and get your own place. Rent a flat. Surely anything is better than your current situation.

The guy isn't going anywhere. You're both due to move into your new place in a few months and he hasn't bothered to find anywhere to live? He hasn't mentioned flat viewings or anything? You know what that means, he's moving with you and your partner. You're never getting rid of him and your lovely partner doesn't give a shit how you feel, he expects you to shut up and put up with it... and you have so far for 7 months.

Get out now. Yes you might lose money but fuck it, life is too short to be with a man with no backbone.

0sm0nthus · 09/05/2024 17:49

Your BIL will follow you wherever you go
If OP lives with her current partner then yes I'd say BIL will follow them like a shadow & her partner will allow it because there is a woman there to do domestic work.
If OP decides to cut loose I doubt her current partner would want the entire burden of his brother & family.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/05/2024 17:46

This has gone on for so long because you've allowed it to. Sorry, but that's the truth. Don't use his kids being there as an excuse. Walk right up to him right now and say he has four weeks to find another place to crash. Don't engage in conversation because there's nothing else to say. Just do it.

0sm0nthus · 09/05/2024 17:45

MebraZebra · 09/05/2024 16:46

Buying both times, no I couldn't afford to live on my own

Edited

that's why the brothers are ignoring you, they know you are trapped

Tumbler2121 · 09/05/2024 17:43

It could be worth investing in the deposit for a rental for him. He'll get the rent paid and money towards the children.

MILTOBE · 09/05/2024 17:40

Is there any way you can get out of buying the new house?

I wouldn't want to interrupt the children's lives but I wouldn't want to live with him, so I think I'd see if my partner could buy me out and if so, then I'd be off.

If he can't afford to buy you out then I'd insist on selling but not buying another house together. Your BIL will follow you wherever you go.

Ereyraa · 09/05/2024 17:34

It’s decision time for partner; you or his layabout DB

quizzys · 09/05/2024 17:33

Have you exchanged on the new house?

cheddercherry · 09/05/2024 17:25

Time for the big guns. He goes or you do (to be honest the lack of transparency or support from your partner is more concerning that the absolutely piss take of his brother). This kind of guy isn’t the guy to spend a life with, threads of women at the absolutely edge over their partners never backing down to family yet walking all over their partners mental health and wellbeing are rife and they don’t usually end positively.
You know they’re both being ridiculously unreasonable and you know this even if they probably make it out like you’re overreacting.

He’s clearly not going to sort the issue without something external changing, and also as other poster said he’s jeopardising both of you with the mortage by not declaring a lodger long term.

SecondHandFurniture · 09/05/2024 17:10

What might motivate him is that you're supposed to declare lodgers who will be living with you on the new mortgage. Whether that's a dependent (he's no job, so you're subsidising his housing) or a paying lodger. Get your partner to do that - might make him realise that it's not just as simple as "he's family".

arethereanyleftatall · 09/05/2024 17:04

You have two choices op, that's it, choose one...

  1. Carry on living with bil and kids and dh for at least 3 years, possibly more. (Chance he might look for work once they're in school?6
  1. Set the wheels in motion to live on your own.
AgnesX · 09/05/2024 16:59

Shinyandnew1 · 09/05/2024 16:42

I've told my partner time and time again his brother is not moving house with us but he won't back me up because of the children

If your partner won’t back you up, you have a problem.

I’d be moving into a house on my own and leave the two of them to sort themselves about, tbh.

As usual, the first post nails it.

You definitely have a DP problem.

CountingCrones · 09/05/2024 16:59

Ultimatum time - he’s gone by the weekend or you cut your losses and leave a husband who won’t back you up in your own home.

Your BIL’s stupid decisions aren’t yours to fix. His lack of income or childcare isn’t a problem that your home is the solution to.

ZebraZone · 09/05/2024 16:57

He needs to get himself on the housing register especially if he has two children, you can write him an eviction letter to speed things up.

This is not your problem.

OdeToBarney · 09/05/2024 16:57

You have a DH problem.

Original poster
MebraZebra · 09/05/2024 16:55

SecondHandFurniture · 09/05/2024 16:52

Do you both own it? If so then most of the usual advice (remove stuff and lock him out) isn't going to work as your partner will let him back in.

You'll have to bring out the big guns and say the alternative is you split up and force a sale, then they can all enjoy a 1 bed flat together.

Edited

Yeah we both own our current property and have bought the next property together. He keeps saying to me that yes he will ask him to leave and then never does. We aren't expected to move in for a few months but I'm at my wits end now. I want to tell him to leave but can never seem to get him without the children being present. It's such a messy situation.

OP posts:
Lenoftheglen · 09/05/2024 16:54

You just know that this grifter and his kids will move alongside you.

I would be making moves to separate OP.

I couldn't stand a day of what you describe.

SecondHandFurniture · 09/05/2024 16:52

Do you both own it? If so then most of the usual advice (remove stuff and lock him out) isn't going to work as your partner will let him back in.

You'll have to bring out the big guns and say the alternative is you split up and force a sale, then they can all enjoy a 1 bed flat together.

Autumntimeagain · 09/05/2024 16:52

Honestly OP, unless your partner supports you in insisting his brother leaves, you're just going to be moving to a bigger, more expensive house, with more 'space' to house your BIL & kids !

Unless that's ok with you, you'd better sit down with your partner and tell him straight that you won't be buying a new house with him if he continues to agree that his brother should live with you both.

This would absolutely be a dealbreaker for most people I'd think

Shinyandnew1 · 09/05/2024 16:48

MebraZebra · 09/05/2024 16:46

Buying both times, no I couldn't afford to live on my own

Edited

Well, I’m sure you could, it just wouldn’t be the type of place you wanted.

The question is, are you prepared to move into a new house and take this brother and his kids with you for potentially years and years? It sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. I’d rather rent in a house share.

If he’s unemployed and in debt, the chances of him moving out of your free warm house without an ultimatum is zilch. If your partner is on his side, I can’t see a way out without you going it alone.

FlipFlops4Me · 09/05/2024 16:47

Ifyoucouldreadmymindlove · 09/05/2024 16:45

Dump the lot of them. They can live in a shitshow together. You go forth and be happy on your own.

This. If your DH hasn't the balls to tell his brother its time to grow up and move out, then leave them together. He's had seven months rent free and should be bloody loaded and able to find a place easily.

longdistanceclaraclara · 09/05/2024 16:47

Fuck that.

MrsMoastyToasty · 09/05/2024 16:47

Who owns your current property?

Original poster
MebraZebra · 09/05/2024 16:46

Buying both times, no I couldn't afford to live on my own

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 09/05/2024 16:45

Buying or renting?

Can you afford to live on your own?

Your partner is useless