I need my brother-in-law out of my house but it will impact on his children

Give him written notice to leave.

Give him a separate written notice with a breakdown of all the total costs incurred, including info on how much he would have paid in rent had he been renting a room from you.

Show your partner something similar but with how much money would be being thrown away if it went on for another year.

In black and white it looks very different and is hard to ignore.

If this post had been 'my BIL has been with us for three nights, has asked me to have the children for a few hours whilst he goes to the council again for the second time this week, and I'm not at work when he's asked me to have them' then you'd, just maybe, be being unreasonable. You help family out, but this isn't helping them out for a night or two this is him taking the piss

I would be naming it clear to your not so dp that either he gives his db notice that the children cannot stay in the house during the day as you need to sleep and that he will not, repeat not , be moving with you, OR you are giving DP notice that you will be pulling out of the purchase of the new place, but not of the sale of the current place, as you will be wanting to extract your share of the value of the place. And that the relationship is over if he doesn't have your back.

Then you also need to tell BIL (as you can't trust DP to do so) that he won't be moving to the new place and that he needs to be making alternative arrangements.

Once you've got those immediate priorities sorted, then you need to take up with your not so dp the additional costs you've already incurred.

I think, if you are working nights, it is completely reasonable to sleep in the day so you are within your rights to get angry with BIL for noisy DCs disturbing your sleep.

He needs to pay for food (and go out and buy and then cook it!) for his DCs and himself.

He needs to be told that his DCs have damaged things so he needs to pay to get them repaired/replaced.

He needs to contribute to bills.

Those are perfectly normal things to do even if you are living together by agreement - and not someone having moved in by stealth.

I would also start to make his life uncomfortable - you need to get a certain item from your things in storage early in the morning when you get home from work. I would forget to do a proper food shop and plan to have a meal out instead. I wouldn't do any laundry for him, and possibly even stop for DP, as you are so shattered from lack of sleep. I presume that both of these boyos are doing their fair share of the housework etc? If not, I would draw up a rota and only do your items (making sure they are the non-negotiables for you - clean toilet, clean bedroom and clean cooking space perhaps). Or make your room into your sanctuary and send DP to share with his DB.

@MebraZebra seems to have left the thread and is being very tight-lipped about the details of the situation.

Why have you bought a house and are not living in it? Or do you mean that you're in the process of selling this house and buying another?

If so, sell this house, take the money and walk away. Your BIL is a loser, your partner is too. Get out and well away from them whilst you can. Don't be a doormat.

I rather got the impression that the children officially reside with their mother. If that's the case, the council won't have a duty to help the brother unless he is vulnerable in some way, eg disability, mental health issues etc. Most councils will only provide temporary accommodation to those where they have a statutory duty.

If there's a dispute as to which parent the children live with, and no court order specifying residence, they regard the children to reside with whichever parent gets the child benefit for them.

But that doesn't alter the fact that your DP needs to grow a pair and tell his DB to find himself somewhere to live pdq and that it's time he went.

If he doesn't, this would be a deal breaker for me, OP. I think you need to have a very frank discussion with him along the lines that either you move as a couple, not a trio, and that if he won't step up, you'll be pulling out of the purchase and getting a place on your own, even if it means you have to rent for a while.

I agree 100%. Your partner facilitated your BIL moving in. I have 2 boys myself. Men can always make sure the other party understands where they stand. You are being taken for a ride.

I haven't read all the replies so apologies if repeating.

If your partner won't ask his brother to leave and he ends up moving with you to the new house it's pretty much a dead cert that he'll be living with you until he decides its time to find somewhere else or he meets another person and moves in with them.

You may need to be the one that has to think long and hard as to whether you're happy with how he's working it as you do sound on your own about him moving out, so if you do decide to go through with the move and him following your partner may take that as you're OK with it.

Just to reiterate OP, you mentioned that you want it to be a joint decision (telling BIL to leave) but up until now, none of it has been a joint decision - your BIL and his DC moving in, staying for 7 months, costing you higher bills, wrecking the place, BIL getting a key, etc. None of that has been joint.

Show your partner the same treatment - do not entertain a joint decision on this. Make it a single decision - YOURS.

This is important to note, ypu can't sleep during the day because of the kids, ehich will affect your health.I know from my own family experience.

Your partner is lying to you. His brother didn’t get a key cut “somehow”. Your partner gave it to him or gave him his keys. Fact is he wants his brother living there, but just doesn’t want to say it outright to you. If you have an offer on your house but haven’t exchanged yet I would tell your partner that if his brother isn’t gone within a fortnight that you will proceed with the sale of the current house, but don’t want to buy again together. Hopefully that will focus him a bit. You can’t keep subsiding his brother, kids and ex wife.

I sympathise op.
The brothers are using you as part of the solution both financially and practically for fuck up situation Bil has created.
You've stated enough is enough. Ultimatum time.
Time for dh to choose.. you or his brother. Get your plan B ready.

@MebraZebra

I wanted it to be a joint decision. That he would support me so there would be no resentment.

So you don’t want your DP to resent you when you issue the BIL an ultimatum to leave, But what about you?

You’re already upset and resentful yet your DP doesn’t seem to care about your feelings and is still prioritising his brother over you!

Why are you allowing your DP to treat you with such obvious contempt?

You say you’ve already bought your next property so I’m guessing that your DP and his brother have already decided that BIL will stay in your old house (rent free?) for ever more?

Stop putting the feelings of these men before your own and decide what you want to happen and make it so.

Re properties - you may have to pay capital gains tax when you sell current owned residence if you delay move to new house as you are currently owning 2 properties. Do not delay moving.

I believe he has to be homeless for councils to give accommodation. With very small children he will be priority.

Tell your partner that unless he gives his brother notice now to leave no later than the end of the month, the new purchase is off and you will be leaving.

Tell your BIL to go to the Council ASAP. Housing will put him and his two children in emergency accommodation the same day.

And everything everyone has said.

I can’t fathom how you have put up with this for seven months. And you’re working nights and unable to get quality sleep during the day. This is crazy!

Why can’t BIL look after his kids at their mother’s home whilst she’s at work four days pw?
Ultimately, their drama and their inability to adult effectively is not your problem.

Do whatever you need to do to get sleep, peace and respect, even if that means ending the relationship with your partner.

I live with my partner

Are you married to him? That should make splitting up simpler, if not!

That’s a horrific situation! Of course you can’t all squeeze into a tiny place. He needs to go.

Talk to your partner and ask him if he is capable of making this decision or if with his support he wants you to do this for the both of you. He might be enmeshed and unable to do it but happy for you to tell him to leave with his support.
font wait until you move, give him 2 weeks notice now and that’s being generous. You need the spare room and house empty to pack and move if selling especially.
My DH wanted me to lead the LC with his parents and I was happy to be the fall out guy for him to get the distance needed

Your partner didn't consult you about his brother moving in, you didn't collectively agree what time limit should be set on his living there, and you can't agree on the fact he needs to move out. You have a relationship problem and a DP problem.

Tell your DP his brother has to move out within 30 days. If he doesn't, you will. You'll sell the house, take half the equity and start a new life. It's supporting his leech of a brother, or choosing you. His choice.

You have to save your own life, OP. Withdraw from the house purchase, evict everyone from your home (or buy another house on your own) and get a lodger to help pay the bills. You can’t help people like this.

Contact social services about the children if you think that’s necessary. They are not your responsibility.

Yeah we both own our current property and have bought the next property together. He keeps saying to me that yes he will ask him to leave and then never does. We aren't expected to move in for a few months but I'm at my wits end now. I want to tell him to leave but can never seem to get him without the children being present. It's such a messy situation.

OP, you say you both own your current property and you have already bought your next property but won't be moving in for a few months. If what you say is accurate, you and your husband jointly own two properties. Yes? That's what you've said.

You have a solution there in your hands. You move into the new property now and leave DH and BIL at your current home with the children. They don't get a key to the new property. If you stay strong and don't crumble your DH has several options:

Stay in the house with BIL while you stay in the new house. If he's on the mortgage he'll have to continue paying his part of the mortgage.
Throw BIL out and dispose of the 2-bed house.
Rent the 2-bed house to BIL.
Divorce you.

Whichever way, problem solved.

He's not going to. It doesn't bode well for the future does it? I'd be having a serious re-think about your relationship if I were you.

“I wanted to be a joint decision. That he would support me so there would be no resentment.”

Sorry, that’s just not going to happen. There will be huge resentment from the wastrel freeloading brother, but that’s not your problem. If your DP won’t support you, then you will sadly have to go it alone - I can’t think you ever intended to live with two brothers, much less I’ll-behaved toddlers that aren’t yours. This has gone on FAR too long, and the lazy BIL has got his feet well under the table - time, as others have said, to lay out a few home truths. Just as a starter for ten, tell him he needs to look after his children in their own home - absolutely no reason why you should have to put up with them, much less pay for them. And tell your DP that if he prefers to keep house with his bro over you, then it’s time for you to leave.