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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be concerned with how my boyfriend acted when I was ill?

584 replies

Vlop · 09/05/2024 05:49

I'm 30 and he's 31. I've been with him for 18 months, during which I never got ill. He even commented on this saying it's really good.

We've travelled to another continent for his work last week. I tagged along as he wanted me to but got very sick with sore throat and running nose 2 days ago.

We wake up at 6.30 for work (he goes to the office and I work from the hotel room we're staying). Last night we went to bed at 10.30pm and I woke up literally feeling suffocated at 10.45pm. He hadn't fallen asleep yet. I asked him if he could get me flu relief hot drink. It's the only thing that actually works for me.

He went out and got back saying the store 2 minutes away didn't have any medication. I tried to sleep but was really struggling so asked him if there was any pharmacy nearby. He Googled and said that the nearest one was half an hour away and couldn't walk. He did have a car but didn't offer to drive. I explicitly told him that I was really struggling and really needed some medicine. He wasn't doing anything so I asked him to at least phone reception for medication. The phone didn't work so he had to go downstairs. At that stage he was getting really mean to me, making comments like 'I want this over with, let's get you a medicine and be done' etc. It wasn't even 11pm at this point. He came back with one random loose tablet which had no expiry date on and I didn't know who touched it. Tablets never help me anyway so I told him not to worry. Made myself some tea and dozed off.

In the morning I found out that his foot was hurting. He didn't tell me this last night so I didn't know and it explains some of the irritable behaviour. I also understand maybe I was being slightly difficult as I was really physically struggling (first time in our relationship, I'm not a princess). Today he texted me at work to see how I am only once and when he got back I told him I didn't feel like having dinner and he went out alone to eat. Don't think he even asked me if I wanted anything. I find that lack of empathy/compassion a red flag. AIBU?

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 09/05/2024 08:22

pictoosh · 09/05/2024 06:12

I wouldn't go on a chase for a flu relief hot drink at 11pm with work the next day, especially abroad.

If it were me that was unwell I'd accept it wasn't happening, thank my dh for trying, take a paracetamol and wait till the morning for my flu relief drink.

So there you go.

Id drive 5 minutes away for my partner if they were suffering...its 10 minute trip fcol.. he wanted to do the least amount possible. Walking is 30 mins..why say that if he drives? To make it look like a bigger thing than it is thats why. Then for him to go out to eat alone and not ask about how u were going to eat is selfish. He did bare minimum so he wasnt bollocked, he could have done more...ten minutes more geez

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/05/2024 08:20

Zampa · 09/05/2024 05:54

Imagine a future when you have children and whilst unwell, he won't step up to give you time to recover.

After only 18 months, he should be spoon feeding your Lemsip and bringing you all your favourite treats.

This. This is the answer you want. It’s a huge red flag he was like this.

Ignore people calling you a princess etc. Please. You absolutely are not. You deserve someone who will look after you a little when you’re ill.

rookiemere · 09/05/2024 08:19

MissMelanieH · 09/05/2024 07:46

The bottom line here is that you've uncovered a disconnect between the two of you.
You now know that he's not the type to fuss over you when you're ill. Some people aren't.
I come from a family that would drive somebody to A&E, drop them at the front entrance and say "phone me when you need colllecting"
Doesn't bother me at all but then I hate being fussed over generally.
However, I'm not you op. Only you know how much this matters to you. If it's important in a relationship that somebody spoon feeds you Lemsip and checks on you multiple times a day then you haven't found "the one" and need to end things and move on. As PP say with this man it's likely that you'll end up looking after the kids whilst feeling like death somewhere down the line.

That's what my family is like and DH is the exact opposite, exacerbated I think by being the youngest DC.

Also when ill I take to my bed, whereas he insists on soldiering on grumbling away when I'd rather he just took the time he needed to be unwell.

If I were a friend of the OP on holiday, I'd have lost patience at the point she refused to take the tablet which had been touched. Get dressed and drive to get some lemsip - not a chance.

FetchezLaVache · 09/05/2024 08:17

You got "very sick" two days ago. Very sick - your words - not just slight symptoms. The only thing that works for you is a flu relief drink, but you'd managed without for two whole days of being "very sick", yet suddenly urgently needed one at 10.45 at night, necessitating him to go out and get you one right then and there and not come home until he'd found one, despite having work the next day?

Did you expect him to forgo his dinner that night just because you didn't want any?

I'm on Team You're The Red Flag Here.

justasking111 · 09/05/2024 08:17

This is why I have always packed a medicine kit. It's rubbish being ill abroad.

susiedaisy1912 · 09/05/2024 08:15

Sounds like 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. Don't you carry basic paracetamol and ibuprofen with you when you travel?

spriots · 09/05/2024 08:14

@Anameisaname

I totally agree. I have an aunt and uncle who are both like the OP and it is actually quite charming. Any time they get a cold, it's Fuss Central at their house. There are multiple trips to the pharmacy, Special Tea, hot water bottles, we all hear about how SICK they are. If one gets a temperature, they issue a press release.

They both seem to relish it and part of their relationship is about fussing over each other when they're ill.

DH and I are.. not like that. I had a rotten cold last week, I WFH an extra day, bought my own meds, went to bed a bit earlier than usual. I asked DH to take over with the kids one day so I could nap. I don't think he texted me for updates. It's really cool with me. If one of us is properly ill, it would be different. We just have a different relationship to my aunt and uncle.

Changingplace · 09/05/2024 08:12

You sound like a drama princess, you had a minor cold, rejected the medication he went out to get you and expected him to be a mind reader that you wanted food bringing back when you said you didn’t want anything and didn’t ask for anything.

An adult should know that lemsip is just paracetamol, I can imagine if it’d been own brand that might’ve been rejected too?

If I was him I’d be irritated by you.

Upallnight2 · 09/05/2024 08:10

Hairyfairy01 · 09/05/2024 05:55

Sorry but I think you sound very OTT and demanding. I don't understand how you can go from falling asleep at 10:30 feeling fine to waking up 15 minutes later expecting him to go on a wild goose chase for medication in a foreign country, at night, when he has work the next day. The fact you ended up having a cup of tea and managed to get through the night basically confirms you were being OTT.

I agree, it all sounds a bit dramatic 😬

jannier · 09/05/2024 08:07

MiddleParking · 09/05/2024 06:20

I’d be far more concerned about him sulking today and not bringing you any dinner when you’ve travelled to a different continent to keep him company and you’re feeling unwell. I think that’s dreadful, actually. Don’t put yourself out for him any more.

She had a mild cold and didn't want to eat or go out.

Lookwhosbackbackagain · 09/05/2024 08:06

LightSpeeds · 09/05/2024 07:53

I think he's shown his true colours here (and they're not very nice).

I think I would be slightly annoyed if my partner demanded I get out of bed and go here there and everywhere because they have a sore throat. Especially if I had to go to work the next day.

jannier · 09/05/2024 08:03

Unless you later ended up on antibiotics or in surgery your being unreasonable a sore throat and bunged up nose isn't really ill. You asked him to go for meds he tried then you asked him to go to reception but rejected what he brought back .... obviously it was going to be a tablet not in a pack it was one of the receptionist own tablets she's not giving you her whole pack. You easily went to sleep.
What did you want him to do for dinner? Starve or room service then sit watching you for hours on end when your too ill to eat you would have just been sleeping.....maybe you should have gone out and sat with him for some air

Butchyrestingface · 09/05/2024 08:03

I told him I didn't feel like having dinner and he went out alone to eat. Don't think he even asked me if I wanted anything.

Such as? You told him you didn't want dinner. If you DID want something brought in, you should have said. Otherwise he's simply respecting what you said.

ExtraOnions · 09/05/2024 08:03

Did you pack your Dressing Gown of Doom?

Lookwhosbackbackagain · 09/05/2024 08:03

WhatsTheProblemSarah · 09/05/2024 07:55

If OP was a man people would be saying 'poor diddums'. 🤣

new around here are you?

arethereanyleftatall · 09/05/2024 08:03

I'm joining the side of 'the red flag here is you.'
He has seen what you will behave like if you get a cold, and he should be running as fast as his legs will carry him.

You mentioned several times that you don't get ill often - well lucky you - that doesn't mean you get to behave like this if you do.

LeighDee · 09/05/2024 08:02

Your first post makes you sound ridiculous, your second one gives a bit more info and changes the story so not sure which one is true.

Even as far as saying he only text you once to check on you....come on really?

fieldsofbutterflies · 09/05/2024 07:58

LightSpeeds · 09/05/2024 07:53

I think he's shown his true colours here (and they're not very nice).

His true colours being that he won't go out to a random pharmacy at 11pm in a foreign country when he has to get up for work at half six the next day for someone with a cold?

He sounds bloody sensible to me.

Bumblebeeinatree · 09/05/2024 07:57

Surely a couple of paracetamol or Ibuprofen would have helped the fever. That's what in the flu relief drinks anyway, and they would have been available in the pharmacy he went to.

AccountCreateUsername · 09/05/2024 07:56

junebirthdaygirl · 09/05/2024 06:15

I think he may be having second thoughts! He had to go into work and you had him running around a strange place late at night in what wasn't an emergency. I wouldn't even expect my dh of 40 years to do that. I'm impressed he did venture out at least in an attempt to find something.

A hot port from the bar might have helped.
In future remember to always pack a few first aid bits travelling abroad as finding even the basics in another language is a nuisance. We always have a little stash although rarely need it. I find the plane journey often causes a blocked nose.

Yes maybe he’s getting visions of the future too!

WhatsTheProblemSarah · 09/05/2024 07:55

If OP was a man people would be saying 'poor diddums'. 🤣

Anameisaname · 09/05/2024 07:54

OK so just for the record if it's a cold and running nose it is hard for other people to tell how bad it is. If I saw someone with a bit of a cold I'd probably assume it wasn't that bad. Clearly you were suffering.

But as far as I can tell

  • you asked for meds so he wrnt to the shop but they didn't have any
  • you thought at 11pm a local pharmacy would be open but he didn't offer to drive
  • you asked for tablets from reception so he went and got some but you didn't trust the origin fair enough but he did what you asked
  • he texted the next day but only once and you expected more
  • you said you were not hungry but he was so he went to get some food

I think you just have different views on what caring for someone who is ill is. Some people would say that doing all those things is plenty. You wanted more. This isn't an aibu because it's all different for each person. You just wanted more than what he thought was a good response.

Two choices, either explain to him that you do need more fussing over when you are sick. Or accept that you have differences and decide if this is something you can live with long term.

But either way mumsnet doesn't have the answers !

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 09/05/2024 07:54

My instinct is that he made up the bit about his foot hurting the morning after. I dated someone like this once. He'd behave badly, then come back after the event with a really good reason why he'd done it that he just didn't think to mention at the time 🙄

Calliecarpa · 09/05/2024 07:53

ChocolateTurtle · 09/05/2024 07:38

OP, I think you are getting a really hard time on here. I would suggest asking mumsnet to move this thread to the Relationships board where I think you will get more understanding and support.

YANBU, my understanding is you did not even get any paracetamol, and I don't blame you at all for not wanting to take a random, unmarked tablet. You had a temperature which meant you were too unwell to go out yourself to get paracetamol or a cold remedy. To me a relationship is about mutual support and kindness, doing the most for each other not the least.

I'd also beware of the 'foot hurts' it may be genuine but I was in an abusive relationship with a partner who, whenever I was sick, she was sicker. Maybe he really did have a sore foot or maybe it was a way of making an excuse for not doing more for you.

More 'understanding and support' for making such a ridiculous fuss because she had a bit of a cold? The bloke went out twice on her behalf late at night.

OP, you're being absurdly demanding. You had a cold, you weren't at death's door. And you're 30 years old, not a teenager, so give over with all the 'I told him I didn't want dinner but then he didn't even ask me what I wanted for dinner waaaaaaah!' nonsense.

LightSpeeds · 09/05/2024 07:53

I think he's shown his true colours here (and they're not very nice).