Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned with how my boyfriend acted when I was ill?

584 replies

Vlop · 09/05/2024 05:49

I'm 30 and he's 31. I've been with him for 18 months, during which I never got ill. He even commented on this saying it's really good.

We've travelled to another continent for his work last week. I tagged along as he wanted me to but got very sick with sore throat and running nose 2 days ago.

We wake up at 6.30 for work (he goes to the office and I work from the hotel room we're staying). Last night we went to bed at 10.30pm and I woke up literally feeling suffocated at 10.45pm. He hadn't fallen asleep yet. I asked him if he could get me flu relief hot drink. It's the only thing that actually works for me.

He went out and got back saying the store 2 minutes away didn't have any medication. I tried to sleep but was really struggling so asked him if there was any pharmacy nearby. He Googled and said that the nearest one was half an hour away and couldn't walk. He did have a car but didn't offer to drive. I explicitly told him that I was really struggling and really needed some medicine. He wasn't doing anything so I asked him to at least phone reception for medication. The phone didn't work so he had to go downstairs. At that stage he was getting really mean to me, making comments like 'I want this over with, let's get you a medicine and be done' etc. It wasn't even 11pm at this point. He came back with one random loose tablet which had no expiry date on and I didn't know who touched it. Tablets never help me anyway so I told him not to worry. Made myself some tea and dozed off.

In the morning I found out that his foot was hurting. He didn't tell me this last night so I didn't know and it explains some of the irritable behaviour. I also understand maybe I was being slightly difficult as I was really physically struggling (first time in our relationship, I'm not a princess). Today he texted me at work to see how I am only once and when he got back I told him I didn't feel like having dinner and he went out alone to eat. Don't think he even asked me if I wanted anything. I find that lack of empathy/compassion a red flag. AIBU?

OP posts:
drusth · 09/05/2024 12:22

KrisAkabusi · 09/05/2024 12:19

Did you read a different OP? No, he didn't call reception, he actually went down and got her medicine there. Which the poster refused to take because someone might have touched it! And this was after he had already gone to the local shop for her.

Show quote history

A stranger giving you an unwrapped random pill is dangerous!

Would you really take such a pill? You are very gullible if yes.

KrisAkabusi · 09/05/2024 12:19

Gillbil · 09/05/2024 10:37

But there was no mental load on his part. He didn't suggest calling down to reception offer to make a tea any form of support take took brain space.

For me, it's a big red flag. In life there are going to be situations were you won't get to have your routine, lost sleep, extra work load because your part of a team/ family.

Show quote history

Did you read a different OP? No, he didn't call reception, he actually went down and got her medicine there. Which the poster refused to take because someone might have touched it! And this was after he had already gone to the local shop for her.

Mothership4two · 09/05/2024 12:18

@DoYouSmokePaul

He had an attitude the whole time like she was inconveniencing him by being ill.

However OP didn't say that. By that point they had had a discussion and he'd been out and back to the shop for her, they'd had another discussion and he'd Googled then tried the phone found it wasn't working so knew he had to go down to Reception. Then OP said he was "mean". Although I don't think 'I want this over with, let's get you a medicine and be done' is overly unreasonable given the circumstances maybe a bit blunt. I expect he was tired and wanted to go to sleep as they had an early start.

I'm not too sure about OP's timings either. She woke at 10.45 and they spoke/he went out to the shop (presumably spent some time in there looking or asking for Lemsip)/came back had discussion/OP tried to go back to sleep/they spoke again and he Googled/had another discussion/he tried phone and it wasn't even 11pm at this point. They certainly packed a lot in in under 15 minutes. So I also wouldn't be too sure about another shop being only 5 minutes away.

She had a bad cold, not the plague, and it wouldn't have suddenly come on with no warning. In these circumstances, at this time of night, I'd not be feeling the milk of human kindness towards my OH especially if he was insisting on a flu relief hot drink (exactly the same as paracetamol but more expensive) late at night in a foreign country where it may not be available and would definitely communicate that to him

Testina · 09/05/2024 12:16

@hydriotaphia flu relief drinks are medication! They contain paracetamol. But by adding lemon, a fancy sachet and turning it into a drink the price people are willing to pay goes through the roof. And apparently for some people, a basic paracetamol tablet doesn’t work 🤣

hydriotaphia · 09/05/2024 12:10

I think YABU to demand a random 'flu relief drink' aka a placebo not a medicine in the middle of the night. Paracetemol will bring the fever down, if you weren't ill enough for that (assuming no allergy to it) then yes it's unreasonable to expect the guy to go out for a second time looking for what you fancy. If you were asking for paracetamol, antibiotics, or other urgently needed medicine I would take a different view. But this was not a medicine, it was the middle of the night before a presumably important work meeting, and frankly if you'd been ill for a while and you knew there was something you like to take when you're ill, you should have brought it. No way is this a red flag. More of a red flag for him if anything.

abracadabra1980 · 09/05/2024 12:02

fieldsofbutterflies · 09/05/2024 06:31

I can't believe you expected him to go out at 11pm to get you medication for what was basically a cold 😳

This, 100%.

Unopenedpackofmenssocks · 09/05/2024 12:01

MirageAC · 09/05/2024 11:52

I am really sorry to hear your experience. It is shitty behaviour on his behalf. When someone is unwell you expect compassion and care. It says a lot about him if he cannot show kindness in these situations. It will definitely be a red flag for me. Moving forward, this is how he is going behave when you are ill/need help in the future- don’t expect more. So, make your decision now whether you want to build a future with him or not.

I reckon she’ll be fine with him as long as she stockpiles some Lemsip…

MirageAC · 09/05/2024 11:52

I am really sorry to hear your experience. It is shitty behaviour on his behalf. When someone is unwell you expect compassion and care. It says a lot about him if he cannot show kindness in these situations. It will definitely be a red flag for me. Moving forward, this is how he is going behave when you are ill/need help in the future- don’t expect more. So, make your decision now whether you want to build a future with him or not.

BeaRF75 · 09/05/2024 11:45

Really sounds like a fuss about nothing. I would never dream of disturbing my partner for something so trivial.... you just push on until the next day.

SpringerFall · 09/05/2024 11:44

Hairyfairy01 · 09/05/2024 05:55

Sorry but I think you sound very OTT and demanding. I don't understand how you can go from falling asleep at 10:30 feeling fine to waking up 15 minutes later expecting him to go on a wild goose chase for medication in a foreign country, at night, when he has work the next day. The fact you ended up having a cup of tea and managed to get through the night basically confirms you were being OTT.

I think this as well

Unopenedpackofmenssocks · 09/05/2024 11:43

EmilyTjP · 09/05/2024 11:41

He did all that for a cold?
I wouldn’t want someone to baby me like that!

Show quote history

Note they are also divorced anyway!

EmilyTjP · 09/05/2024 11:41

ChampagneLassie · 09/05/2024 10:34

in Tokyo with my ex-husband he went to an internet cafe, got a translation for medication and went to 4 pharmacy’s and bought a bunch of stuff to try to help me when I was ill. I’m pretty sure current DP would do similar. I don’t think you princessey. This is what you can expect as others have said imagine you’re struggling with a wee baby. I’d ditch him

He did all that for a cold?
I wouldn’t want someone to baby me like that!

Lookwhosbackbackagain · 09/05/2024 11:39

Sdpbody · 09/05/2024 09:46

My DH would have gone out to get me the medicine, especially if it was only 5 minutes in what I assume is Canada.

He did go to get the medicine but the shop didn’t have any?

Unopenedpackofmenssocks · 09/05/2024 11:34

I’m also really surprised at an all night pharmacy 5 mins drive away. I live in Zone 3 London and we don’t have all night pharmacies. But if we did they would think that someone was insane to come to them in the middle of the night and only want Lemsip!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/05/2024 11:33

How is he uncaring or has an attitude? He went to get the OP medicine but they didn't have her favoured type of medicine. He got her an alternative that she refused. He text her to ask how she was. He went out to get himself some food after she said she didn't want any.
If a man were to ask for more than that he would be slaughtered on here and rightly so.

beetforever · 09/05/2024 11:32

Olivie12 · 09/05/2024 11:30

Red flag! You know your boyfriend/partner/DH better when you're sick and they have to take care of you.

If my DH can't sleep, I would drive around looking for a pharmacy. I've done it already when he's been sick, pharmacies closed and had to look for medicines at gas/petrol stations.

I would discuss my expectations with him and see his response.

i’d say it a red flag from the boyfriends perspective

Unopenedpackofmenssocks · 09/05/2024 11:32

I think you can always tell the drama queen/princess types by the fact that they say “I had a fever” instead of “I had a temperature”.

Also, how do you know you had “a fever”? You had a thermometer with you, but no paracetamol?

I have felt very hot in the past when unwell and been surprised when my temperature was completely normal.

Calliecarpa · 09/05/2024 11:31

DoYouSmokePaul · 09/05/2024 11:14

He had an attitude the whole time like she was inconveniencing him by being ill. A cold is still unpleasant and I usually try and make my loved ones’ lives more pleasant where I can. And they’d do the same for me. Even if I don’t have the plague, which is apparently the only time you’re allowed sympathy.

Still very glad I’m not married to any of these stoic martyrs with zero empathy for people they care about.

Show quote history

She admits in the post that she'd been what she calls 'very sick' for two days, yet didn't lift a finger to help herself during all that time, or even ask her boyfriend to go and get her some medicine during the daytime or early evening when it would have been a lot easier. Illnessses often feel worse at night so why didn't she plan ahead a bit and go and get herself some lemsip before she felt really ill? I'm afraid I also have very little patience with people who moan about how ill they are when it's just a cold, then moan when I do help them because it's wrong in some way.

If the boyfriend had 'zero empathy' like you claim, he wouldn't have left the hotel room twice late at night to try to source some medicine for OP, and he wouldn't have texted her the next day to see how she is. Oh yeah I forgot, he only texted her once, which is really really bad apparently, and he should have dropped everything in the middle of his business trip abroad because his girlfriend has a cold. 🙄

Olivie12 · 09/05/2024 11:30

Red flag! You know your boyfriend/partner/DH better when you're sick and they have to take care of you.

If my DH can't sleep, I would drive around looking for a pharmacy. I've done it already when he's been sick, pharmacies closed and had to look for medicines at gas/petrol stations.

I would discuss my expectations with him and see his response.

mewkins · 09/05/2024 11:26

A cold doesn't usually just come on suddenly. If I feel myself getting sniffly I take cold and flu stuff. I go and buy it myself. I'd only ask someone to get me something if they were already going to the shop - I wouldn't get them out of bed.

Testina · 09/05/2024 11:24

Lots of stories of caring partners. My husband nursed his late first wife at home until she died (cancer). He’s a lovely and loving man. He’d still feel like this 🤨 if I had a basic cold and insisted that only Lemsip would work and “tablets didn’t work for me”.

I also wouldn’t have taken a single unwrapped tablet with no packaging from hotel reception - but paracetamol from the store nearby instead of asking him to go to a further away store to look for Lemsip? Yep.

fieldsofbutterflies · 09/05/2024 11:19

ChampagneLassie · 09/05/2024 10:34

in Tokyo with my ex-husband he went to an internet cafe, got a translation for medication and went to 4 pharmacy’s and bought a bunch of stuff to try to help me when I was ill. I’m pretty sure current DP would do similar. I don’t think you princessey. This is what you can expect as others have said imagine you’re struggling with a wee baby. I’d ditch him

She had a cold 🙄

YouAreLiveOnTelevisionPleaseDoNotSwear · 09/05/2024 11:16

Also 'really sick' isn't a runny nose and sore throat.

Nuttyputty · 09/05/2024 11:15

I can't work out if this is a pisstake. You have a cold. Get up and source your own medicine?

Testina · 09/05/2024 11:14

My husband is gets terribly grumpy with anything that disturbs his sleep ( hes the total opposite normally), which has meant that I've done all the nights with our children

Gosh, imagine if you’d had the same genuine need for sleep as your husband - whatever would you have done? What luck that you didn’t!!

Swipe left for the next trending thread