AIBU to take DC's football coach down a peg or two?

I'm also upset that he has shared text messages we sent him in private about our daughter's mental health to the other parents in the team to prove his point

Wow, that's an impressive drip feed. Why did you not mention this in your OP? I think that's the biggest problem you have here.

The shouting and equal game time can be quite subjective. But sharing a private text about mental health is bang out of order, and you should definitely make a complaint about this, regardless of whether your DD stays or not. But still not in public, contact the clubs Welfare Officer.

I think the issue is finding a club with the right ethos for the child.

Some clubs want to perform and win and be competitive. Others are less interested and just want everyone to have fun.

Unfortunately in football there tends to be more of the former than the latter.

I do kind of feel sorry for the coaches. They probably have to give their time up for free, and have to go jump through all sorts of hoops to coach kids. And I guess it is easy to feel underappreciated when that parent gives you a roasting because you don't model the club around their child's particular requirements.

My guess is that if we want to end up in a place where we have less and less adults wanting to do these sorts of activities then we are going the right way about it.

If your DD clearly hates playing for this club because of the coach, why are you still subjecting her to it?

This is football for a 7yo, hardly the Olympics. If it's not fun for your DD, go elsewhere.

This sounds more like the coach didn't appreciate an earful off your DH! The coach is probably a volunteer, and they're probably thinking "who cares?"

Find a new team. Coach sounds toxic. I'd leave him behind and forget about him.

Glad to see some sense. Shouting at 7 year olds like that is revolting and won’t do anything to promote a positive learning environment. Gross!

She's 7 and the coach shouts at her? Report to the safeguarding lead at the club, then take her out and find a better club.

There should be no shouting from the coach at all.

That is appalling. The sharing of personal information must be necessary and proportionate and I am struggling think of any circumstances in which discussing the mental health of a child with other parents could be considered either of those things.
If you reported to me that this had happened at our club I would be straight on the phone to the Compliance department at our national governing body for advice and I think they would take over dealing with it right away.
It can sometimes be a bit of a grey area re the other stuff. Whilst I personally don't think that shouting at children is ever ok, as you say some people will see what you and I would call bullying as merely "ambitious" or "committed". Some would say it's just his coaching style and, especially if the team is winning, see it as acceptable. I disagree, and all the best coaches I have ever watched or worked with probably would too, but it's a fairly common view unfortunately. However, sharing a private conversation without consent, especially one that contains sensitive information is completely unjustifiable. Do you have copies of the messages?
In your shoes, in the first instance I would leave and find a club with a better ethos. You shouldn't have to of course but sadly I suspect it will be the best way to protect your DD. And I would make a formal complaint about the breach of your confidentiality. I hope you find a lovely club and your DD thrives there.

My DH coaches our DD’s under 9s grassroots team (predominantly a boys team). He (and I as a spectator) have seen all types of teams, from the ultra selective with no weak players to teams with players who are all new to football. From the shouty nasty coaches (which tends to link with shouty nasty parents and rough play on the pitch) to the lovely friendly coaches, parents and teams.

My DD’s team is a lovely friendly team and the coaches never get angry or shout. It’s not selective and players have a range of abilities from those in academy set ups to those who lose the ball easily. Yes results aren’t recorded in a league but all the kids know who has won the game and the players all (regardless of their ability) do like to win. DH and the other coaches therefore do give the better players where needed more game time for the sake of the whole team (e.g. if they are 3-2 up with 2 minutes to play, it will be the better players on the pitch at the end of the match regardless of who had played what. If they are 3-0 up the weaker players will get more game time).

My DD has also started to play for an all girls team which is not selective for training, but is for matches and the weaker players may only play 10 out of 50 minutes and the strongest all 50. This is a much more critical, slightly shouty set up and is very different to her grassroots team. DD is fine with this as she is their best player so she gets lot of game time. I don’t know why some of the weaker girls don’t join a team at a lower level and get more game time and less criticism.

if I were you I’d just move your DD to a friendlier team with nice coaches. There are lots out there!

Run for the hills sounds like a horrible club so get out now and find somewhere more supportive

Not read the whole thread as not got time sorry, but I coach a different sport. Being a volunteer doesn't mean you can get away with behaving badly. We have a coaches code of conduct which we have to agree by and I would assume the FA has something similar. If I behaved as the OP says this coach is behaving then I would expect to be pulled up on it. In fact some years ago we did remove a coach from our club because of something similar.
I coach from preschoolers to late teens and I have never shouted at any of them. I have to shout to them of course - we are in a massive outdoor space - but if I ever had to resort to being verbally aggressive then I'd consider I'd failed.Yelling at kids doesn't make them respect you and fear is rarely conducive to effective learning. Obviously I am somewhat blunter and expect more from the 17 year olds than preschoolers, but I still don't yell at them. I'd find that unacceptable and would remove my own child from any club with that kind of ethos.
However...parents can also be unreasonable and every once in a while someone comes along who thinks they/their kid deserves special treatment and kicks off when they don't get it, or someone jumps to conclusions without really understanding how things work, or decides they can run the club better and spends every week bitching about us to the other parents, or thinks that it's ok for them to coach their kid from the sidelines during my session. That's also unacceptable.
We have proper channels for raising issues, opportunities for people to join the committee if they have ideas, opportunities for people to become assistants and take a coaching course if they want to and so on. (In fact we'll probably rip the arm off anyone who genuinely wants to help.) We're always open to constructive criticism but there's a proper way to do it, and any parent getting in a coaches face in front of other parents and the kids would be asked to leave. Yes, we have a coaches code of conduct but we also have a parents' code of conduct. Everyone needs to respect each other.
OP, it sounds as though you may have reasonable grounds for complaint, and in all honesty I'd look for another club. But if you complain, do it properly. Go to the Club Welfare Officer or another committee member, or if that fails, to the FA - don't try to "bring the coach down a peg or two" in public. Two wrongs doesn't make a right and in fact if you/your DH are perceived as being aggressive towards him then you're far less likely to be listened to. A calm, evidenced complaint using the correct process is much harder to ignore than someone who is seen as "that parent" having a go at the coach on the sidelines even if they're right.

You sound like a fucking nightmare.

It actually sickens me that people defend this shit by saying coaches are volunteers - so what? I volunteer as well I don't shout at kids and if I found myself doing so I would quit

I think it’s ok to raise a concern with a club about a coach who is not following the FA rules. But it’s not ok to publicly criticise. That’s not helpful to anyone and it’s very unlikely to resolve anything.

I also think that sometimes parents see things very differently from reality - my DH was a coach, and tried to give equal game time - but some parents were not happy unless their child was constantly on the pitch, or was played out of their preferred position etc. Coaching can be a thankless task.

I do think some parents forget the hours of effort that goes into being a volunteer coach. Are the coaches all perfect? Of course not. But too much criticism will drive volunteers away, and then grass roots football will be in real mess. If parents really don’t like the way things are done, then step up and help, rather than criticise. Run it the way you think it should be done.

Absolutely this! My OH is a coach, she's a woman, doesn't shout at the kids but is very positive and encouraging. The girls are doing really well and are happy and confident. We win the sportsmanship medal every year in our league, this is judged on parents and coaches as well as players. It's horrible hearing kids be shouted at. It's supposed to be fun!

What I don't think a lot of coaches get either, and I'm not saying it's just men that do it, but shouting at kids and being negative is not only not effective but can be quite damaging. One reason why older girls stop sports is that they really internalise shame and become very self conscious.

being a volunteer coach does NOT mean you shout at or scare chidlren with impunity. I have spent many years at grassroots football games/ on sidelines/ hel;ping out - there are many coaches who should not be allowed to work with children.

Understanding football coaching and understanding children are two separate things and sadly too many coaches don't have a child focused approach.

It actually sickens me that people defend this shit by saying coaches are volunteers - so what? I volunteer as well I don't shout at kids and if I found myself doing so I would quit

it's also horrible seeing kids left on the sidelines game after game - if you aren't in this with the children in mind - get of of grassroots football.

Find a different team and coach for sure. It's obviously not a good fit. Would you or your DH be able to volunteer to help coach/manage at her new team?

She's very young - in our area (SE London) girls' football is pretty big but they don't seem to really play proper matches until U9. So a couple of years later than the boys. DD's team played when they were U8 but had to play in an U9 league as there weren't enough U8 teams. She has loads of time to just have fun and work on her skills and gain confidence. Perhaps try a free drop in game in a local park or a football holiday club in the meantime?

RookieMa · Today 01:41
pinkdays · Yesterday 23:53

Look, you must at some level see how this comes across. Sounds like the coach wants rid of you two as parents more than your DD.

OP, you're that parent!

Ha ha yes this
**
They generally coach voluntarily”

So what? Takes a particular kind of arsehole to shout at 7 year old children. We had PE teachers like this in the 1960s. Depressing to read such bullies are still taken on to work with kids, thought those days were gone.

YABU... your DH got overly involved, it's fair to assume that the coach considers you both problematic for the team. You say yourself that the coach always shouts and your daughter isn't playing to the best of her ability on that team so why would you want her to remain in such an environment anyway? I suspect the incident with your DH isn't the only one that the coach has taken exception to so I'd just take it as a lesson and quietly move on.

Been there and done that. This is very common in soccer and only gets worse as they get older. I think you're going to be at nothing complaining particularly when your daughter is on the weaker side. If she was a future potential star they might be inclined to listen.
Honestly I'd try a different sport. Soccer is ruthless

YANBU

My husband is an girls U8 coach (that includes our DD) and is so passionate that it is about ALL the girls in the team getting equal game team and all being encouraged to enjoy the game (with gently nudging to improve of course!). This is what coaching for young children should be centred on and the FA coaching guidelines rules will 100% have some guidance on this. There are absolute stars ability wise in my husband's team of girls and clearly some that are less naturally gifted, but they are treated all the same.

You must complain about the coach to the club, ignore the comments saying otherwise. He shouldn't be barking at the kids either, so ridiculous. But tbf, it sounds like you are lucky to be shot of him!

I hope you can find a nicer team/coach for your daughter.

Just get away from the situation and leave quietly

I had this at my eldest son's last team, he's older so playing in leagues. We left quietly but I know the chairman so I let him know what went on. The relationship had broken down in the team though so I wasn't sticking around to see if it would make a difference. Ironically, I moved him to a higher division team in a different league and he's doing so much better as the coaching is better. He's done so well that he's done trials for an academy and got in! His current team are so supportive of this and luckily he can play for both for now. Leave quietly, find a different team. Do trials at loads of different teams and find one you like the feel of.