To be absolutely terrified of getting older

Life has taught me to live in the moment.

I started down the ageing worry path very young. Because we're taught youth is good, age is bad.

But, then there was this 21 year old, about 5 years younger than me, who came on tv & stated how people whining about getting old made her so, so angry. You see, she was dying of melanoma. She talked about how she sees older people & thinks how lucky they are, because she'll never get to live that long, never experience all the things they have, even the negatives of getting older. I really changed my perspective.

When she passed at 24, I cried for her. I still hate ageing, and wish I was young, but I remember her words, that I'm lucky to still be here. I've travelled, I've had kids, I've had bad times too. But I'm here, and I've done a lot. That counts.

I'm over 70 and realise I don't have a lifetime to fanny around or worry about shit; I make the most of simple pleasures. No more worrying about mortgage, relationships, jobs or what the future holds. I'll spend today having tea in the garden with the cats and just enjoy the peace and quiet, knowing I've got the freedom to do whatever I want.

Exactly.

I'm approaching retirement age and most of my close friends are now dead.

I lost 3 in one year to cancer.

Another two were widowed at 40.

3 of my work colleages died young (40's) two had a brain haemorrhage the other had an inoperable brain tumour.

As others have said, make the most of every day (and keep your life insurance up to date !)

This is a cliche. When you have watched and supported the journey of your DM with dementia .

I’m in my 60s. I’ve been through things that have broken me. None of them are things I’d ever even thought to worry about. Since my 40s my life has been like a long running Eastenders story arc.

what I’m saying is we have no idea how things will work out so do what you can to surround yourself with good people. Look out for red flags and don’t ignore them. Don’t imagine how things will be in the future. None of us has any idea. I have 2 DBs and all our lives in terms of happiness, fortune, health and contentment have worked out completely differently. I don’t think any of us could have predicted our respective futures in our 30s. If you can’t stop focusing on the fear of older age, please consider getting support. It’s horrible to feel so fearful.

Many thanks, I've never seen that poem before. It's lovely. I will copy it into my journal and read it often

OP I get it, I really do. I remember feeling this way in my 20's.

I'm now nearly 55 and I can hand on my heart say I've never been happier, the older I get the happier I am.

My life is so full, all of the angst of my younger years has passed and I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. My children have grown into adults that I am so proud of and I now have 2 beautiful grandsons that I adore and can spoil without the never ending grind of the toddler years.

My husband and I now have disposable income for the first time in our lives and we have started to travel with just the 2 of us to consider, it's heaven.

Yes my body has begun to ache in places, my knees are not what they used to be and I have lost my youthful looks but I'm ok with that, the pros far outweigh the cons.

Try not to fear getting older, it's wonderful and I wouldn't go back in time for anything.

OP, this meditation exercise may be helpful to you. It's about focussing on what you're grateful for. Gratitude is the best antidote to fear, depression and self pity ( not saying that you are doing that ). Please give it a try...

I have a friend who runs a ' Death Cafe' in London. It's not as morbid as it sounds! It's just a place where pp can come and talk honestly about their fears about death. It's a v supportive environment, maybe see if there's one near you?

There are so many beautiful posts on this thread, and so many wise words.

OP I went through a phase of feeling the way you describe in my early 30s. My 30s were a truly wonderful decade, I needn't have worried. My parents are declining now (dementia and loss of mobility) and I think how I'd love to have them back as they were then when I was so worried about them. The present moment is one to be cherished. My family is my world.

I increasingly think about my parents and grandparents losing their parents. They coped and I guess I'll need to as well. It will be awful but hopefully eventually a new phase will begin - I don't see my parents' lives as sad or bleak for the last 25+ years since they lost their own mum and dad. They still enjoy living.

Old age is not for wimps. My DH looked after the health of many age groups and loved the brave and resilient old people he dealt with. I lost my father in my teens and my DM froze in time for many years. I was determined I would find something to rejoice in every day of my life. Drives family mad me saying look at that beautiful rose/ tree/ leaf. And poetry helps if you are a reader. My dc quaking before horrible teachers and exams had” Courage ,he said and pointed toward the shore” If you can Google the poet Cavafy,read his poem Ithaka.

I'm also early thirties and have been feeling like this myself recently! Not so much about myself but the idea of losing my parents feels overwhelming, I just can't imagine how I would go on. They are both in their mid sixties, so may have another 20, but at the same time, they may only have five or six. I can't even contemplate losing my partner.

An acquaintance of mine lost both her partner and her mother within days of each other to covid and I think these feelings started around then. I sometimes lie awake at night worrying about it.

However, neither of my parents were devasted by their parents deaths (grandparents lived until their 80's). My mum explained that it was upsetting but long expected and she had her only family to focus on, and it felt like a natural part of life. I'm hoping this is how I feel when the time comes!

Great advice@BeaRF75 Ik turning 50 this year and I worry far less now than I did when I was younger. Yes, my body’s older but I’ve still got a lot of living left to do!

My Mum developed a chronic condition in her 40’s that eventually killed her. She did a lot with her life before that though, and always said how glad she was that she embraced her opportunities. It’s a good outlook for all of us, tbh.

Well, the alternative to getting older is premature death.

And if death was staring you in the face, your last thought wouldn't be 'I'm so glad I spent a lot of time worrying about this'.

There is nothing to fear in death - it might be a huge relief, when it eventually happens. But don't spend the life you do have by constantly thinking "what if ?" - that really is a waste of a life.

I think it's about mindset.
I'm nearly 10 years older than you and feel young.
I can do everything I did when I was 19. So can you?
It may be comforting to know that everyone is the same in this respect. Everyone dies, no one is getting out of this mortal coil alive!
Do you have a plan for when you are older? I don't know if you have kids but I'm looking forward to doing the stuff I don't have time for now, in my 50s...long walks, lunches out, shopping, watching films, having pets.
I'm not from a positive family either.
My father is 75 but has spoken about dying regularly for 25 years. What a waste.

OP, I am nearly twice your age and you're being spectacularly unreasonable. Maturity brings wisdom, resilience, perspective and - most of all - you no longer give a sh*t about what other people think.
You also learn to take adverse events in your stride and not over-dramatise and panic about things outside of your control.
Just enjoy your life AND the ageing process.

At 30 most of your life is ahead of you. I am 70, and one of my good friends has recently been diagnosed with a life restricting lung condition. He loved travel and could afford several holidays a year, but no more. He was a smoker in his youth. My advice would be do what you can to keep healthy. If you smoke or vape, stop. If you drink alcohol reduce the amount you drink. Keep your weight down i found after about 40 it was so easy for my weight to creep up, and so hard to reduce it, so watch your weight and keep it under control. I find eating out and takeaways are the killer at putting weight on. I don't think you need to be extreme in exercise. I find brisk walks help keep me fit. You can't avoid all pitfalls that life throws at you, but you can do a fair bit to improve the odds, and go into your later years in a condition to enjoy them for as long as possible.

You are right to be apprehensive about getting older but not terrified - what's the only other option to getting older?! I was a very young/fit late 60s and then suddenly, wham, a serious illness and a year of medical treatment and I'm now 72 but feel ancient and ready for the knackers' yard. My advice would be....enjoy life every day, do as much stuff as you can while you're able to and stamp on all those worries about getting old x

Hi @ThatPeachSnake . Sorry you’re feeling like this. One thing I can say is that something very horrible happened in my life a few years ago that I really thought I would never recover from. I honestly didn’t know how I would ever be ok and happy again. But a few years on and I am fine, happy, see the world through a positive lens again. We are capable of enduring so much more than we realise. Whilst those things you list will never be nice and will be horrendously hard, you will be ok and you have to try and work hard to rationalise that.

What I find interesting is the research suggesting that happiness over a lifetime generally plots a u-shaped curve ( a quick Google will show plenty of articles), I.e., that most people are happy until 30-ish, we then dip in our 40’s and start rising again in our 50’s.

Of course, it’s just a theory and certainly won’t be true for everyone, but I think it has some merit, judging by the people I know IRL.

I think this is just anxiety. I'm 12 weeks post partum and found myself obsessing over similar things, I started on citalopram and I've found it's made a world of difference. I wasn't depressed, just really anxious but other people noticed the anxiety more than I did, I thought it was just normal.