Men should do the chasing

Thinking of all couples I knew, I don't know any successful ones where the woman did the initial chasing.

I think *some men like a challenge as its an ego thing- 'I must be great if she turns down most men but is potentially interested in me,'

And *some men like a challenge as they don't believe women should have multiple sexual partners and if they find it 'easy' to sleep with you, then they assume you've slept with loads of men

Part of it might be a normal human reaction to want to be liked, and people focusing their energies on winning over people that like them a bit, rather than people that already really like them or hate them (as there is no point).

Part of it might be that people who are actually happy with their lives, and enjoying being single, and in no hurry to date, are just more attractive (than someone in the same position who is depressed to be single) and it therefore seems like men are more interested in someone that they have to persuade to date and give up the single life. So isn't that they are attracted to the chase, more the type of person that requires more effort or less likely to settle.

I've certainly known men who tried to date women and then suddenly lost interest when they agreed to a date. And I've got a good friend who men seem to love, and it's part she is lovely, part she is attractive, but I suspect it's part because she gives off not interested vibes.

But I've also known couples who were a couple from the moment they met and are still going strong.

Overall I'm with you OP I don't like the word 'chase'. And I am not interested in games. Plenty of men aren't interested in games either.

Tbf I have to admit to like being "chased" a little

The term is crass tbf but the principle remains. I do like a man to make the effort and I suppose thats the "chase"

Only a certain sort of man would push harder when a woman isn't interested.

I'm a man and prefer it when dating feels like an equal effort - like both people want to try and make it work. When both of us make efforts to suggest dates. When "sorry I can't make Wednesday" is followed by "but I could do a week Monday".

Most men do thrive when allowed to chase in dating. I used that model and it was actually amazing the response I got when I was dating on OLD. Had a lot more fun and nice dates than when I was a bit more ‘abailable’ and looking to please. Married now and dh definitely did a lot of running.
Where do you draw the line? It’s not about being cold. It’s the opposite, I was always warm and nice but just never instigated anything. I never cancelled dates but they needed to arrange with 3 days notice at least otherwise they got a ‘that sounds lovely but I’m not free’ message, which shows them if they want your time they need to value it. I didn’t travel to anyone either for dates. It was my area or no date.

It’s not a thing unless we make it a thing. Be authentic, that’s all that is required of you.

Agree, the whole idea of "chasing" is very silly. Though I have found that whenever I've asked a guy out, he turned out not to be all that keen, or had a girlfriend, or was a bit of a crap date. Maybe not everyone is as unlucky! But personally I stopped doing that because it never led to anything with long term potential and I couldn't be bothered with these lukewarm dating situations.

If a man is actually interested I've found you won't get chance to ask him out before he asks you, it will be obvious how he feels, and he'll probably initiate the conversations about the future. So no game playing or chasing etc is needed!

I think if anyone is too keen on anyone then the switch gets automatically turned off and you get the ick. There does have to be effort on both sides op of course. But haven't you noticed that when you are slightly out of reach a man seems to want you more?! Common sense no? Human nature but it works when you like the man and he has to work for you... then it works beautifully!

My experience is that in a successful relationship it just clicks and nobody has to chase anybody or pretend to be uninterested in order to be chased.

Chasing or encouraging chasing by playing hard to get are both signs that it's not meant to be, nine times out of ten.

I do. If I like some one then I’ll let them know.

But even in my experience the men I wasn’t that into pursued me the hardest.

The problem is - what I’ve experienced is there are a lot of damaged and emotionally immature men on OLD. Not saying there isn’t on the women’s side as I’ve heard some shocking stories. Also on the women’s side there is a lot of young girls who do only fans ect..

I’ve met one lovely lovely guy in two years but he just lived too far away - we dated for three months but the travel was killing me off. we are still friends as he is actually a nice human being. So I know there is decent men out there!

I suppose it depends how desperate you are for a man and how much you are willing to overlook, how much you are willing to change yourself and play the game.

Never seen a post anything like you said.

Women, as is very evident from almost every thread on here, are really terrible at being their own gatekeepers and protecting their own emotional and financial interests. Historically there were social and religious factors preventing men having immediate, unregulated, and easy access to women. Now that's all gone down the toilet, us females even line up and pose and preen on Tinder for the delectation of any unscrupulous man that may deign to want to fuck us, with no consequences naturally. So do I think wanting or expecting a man to make some small effort, to demonstrate his genuine interest in a female, is a bad thing? No not really.

I'm a man. I have never had to chase & kill an animal so I can eat.... yet I have really enjoyed many meat based meals I have eaten in my life - I would go as far as to say I have enjoyed more than 99% of them. The caveman analogy of men feel the need to chase is just so much dingos kidneys to me.

Personally, I can't see why women asking men out or for the next date is so bad. If he turns you down, then it is almost certain he wasn't interested anyway - you have just found out the answer faster than waiting to see what he might do. I get having your ego dented is harsh but by not asking you are just delaying the truth.
If he is put off purely because the women asked - then is that really the man you want anyway ?

YANBU

It's on here all the time, people proudly proclaiming their man chased them for weeks, initiated and planned every date, turned up with flowers and so on.

Yep. I'm often surprised to see posters listing behaviour which they see as good qualities and I see as red flags!

The problem is, you see all the time on here women whose bars are too low, and are being treated like shit. Setting standards a little bit higher and having the expectation that men will make some level of effort can only be a good thing for womankind!

As Humans, we are such diverse and complex individuals. There's no real answer here that can work for everyone.
We are also so much further evolved now compared with even how gender differences affected relationships for our not so distant ancestors.
Personally, I don't see the problem initiating a relationship with a man ( being the woman) but I'm equally happy with the man taking the reins also!
I think you just have to go with what feels comfortable depending on the particular situation. I certainly wouldn't recommend perusing something that is clearly going nowhere, or if you're getting obvious signs that they are not showing equal interest to your interest in them, and of course, common sense prevails here! Don't flog a dead horse!

Some guys will want to feel like the manly leaders.... some will perhaps be relieved you have the initiative!
Most importantly.... it's got to make sense to you and feel comfortable no matter which way you choose !

The sad thing is that women are also perpetuating this nonsense. I bet none of them could even tell you when cave people existed, although they use them as a reference point! I agree with everything you have said.