Men should do the chasing

@Verucasalt123
If your question was for me, you need to find the right tone.

Example, first date with a guy, all went well, at the end, you give him a chaste kiss on the lips but he pushes for more, and you have to wriggle away. 3 possible ways to follow up:

1/ you slap him and leave
2/ you lecture him for a long time about body autonomy
3/ you look back at him calmly with a gently scolding smile and you just say “not now”, you can even tap lightly a finger on his chest (and you leave)

1, he won’t call back, 2, maybe he ll call back, but he s probably slightly off 3, that’s how you do it, playful, the less the better, but firm and clear

Some men chase you and when they catch their prey (that is what it feels like) they lose interest- keep you on the back burner and an eye out for the next conquest. And I am talking about men who on the surface do not seem like players. Some men, if they "pull" a good looking woman and they are no oil paintings themselves, they somehow then think the good looking woman isn't enough, it gives them wings, they think they can get an even better looking woman. They can't and then try worming their way back to the original woman, who is then not interested. Which then makes them up the chase again. A cycle.

Being submissive at the start of the relationship then goes on to accepting all sorts of crap during the relationship because the bar has been set - guy is in control.

Definitely not true. I think you’re talking about the Ellen Fein/ Sherrie Shneider rules. They’re material does sound very American but I’m in the uk and the principles of it work here.They don’t involve cancelling dates as a way of making a man pursue. There lots of associated FB groups and plenty of uk women in them. It’s all more about choosing from the pool of men that approach you and ask you out, rather than pursuing others that might just take you up for a while but ultimately mess you about and waste your time.

Charlotte Lucas reckoned a woman should show more affection than she feels in order to nail a husband so I suppose it’s always been a matter for debate.
I would show my feelings but not issue invitations in the initial stages. I certainly wouldn’t want to buy anyone dinner or much more than a cup of tea until he’d exposed himself to a certain level of risk.

Well, I think I technically chased dh because, of the two of us, I'm the most forward and impatient rather than operating with a bold feminist praxis.

Despite that, I still embraced being a sahm and enjoy looking after the home 😁 It's hard to do the whole the personal is the political thing when you lean to homebody tendencies.

Not if you’re interested in him. Cancelling a date is the end.
I think some of the advice about playing hard to get comes from America and doesn’t work here.

No one should chase anyone otherwise a person that wants chasing isn't worth it both should put time and effort into something if they want to make it work

It’s not about being chased by a stalker or play disinterested if you’re not, it’s about making the man prove himself to you, observe him to see if he’s worthy of your time and affection. That’s the crucial bit. This usually takes a few occasions so you can observe and requires to let him in charge (to see what he does with it). But I’m sure you can set things up like this even with a guy you asked out first, but when the man initiates, the dynamic is naturally in place.

All people appreciate more what they earn than what they get for free, decent men a lot. And it has plenty of advantages for women: by staying a bit detached at first, you assess more objectively than if you only are “in the moment”, by challenging/saying no early, the trash only looking to get in your pants or who doesn’t truly value you will take itself out naturally.

Make a guy feel you have another level even beyond your regular awesome, but it’s not for everyone.

Chase, be chased, decide/text/call equally is all up to the individual.

What I would say, is to look at your results. Is your way bringing you successful outcomes (whatever you deem it to be)? If yes, carry on. If not, try something else.

In my opinion, the risk here (from the woman's perspective) then is that there is a good chance that he doesn't actually actively "like" her, but just followed her initiative as there was no other immediate "competing offer", so to say. She's keen, making all the steps herself, no special effort required - eh, she'll do for now.

Me too. It really only applies in the early stages of dating imo, when the relationship is more established I am then happy to open up a bit more and double text etc. However, 'the rules' work for a reason and I feel quite comfortable with that MO.

Because at its core it's the same old blaming women for men's shitty behaviour. There's nothing to understand.

I mean, call it what you want, but I don't like asking men out. I'm a by the book type and there's nothing wrong with that.

Every single scenario you give is seriously fucked up.

I wouldn't want to date any of those men.

At what point are you "allowed" to drop the act and be yourself aka interested/enthusiastic? What's stopping them leaving then?

I admit I am traditional and prefer a man to ask a woman out, a man to do the wooing and a man to make more of an effort. So fucking what, sue me.

But also I think if a woman is genuinely interested in return she should just say so. Admit you like him, say yes to a date and text him back whenever you happen to have your phone in your hand. Don't leave him hanging for ten hours because you think it makes you look more mysterious or interesting.

Can't stand game playing. If you like him, say so.

In the ideal world, yes, I totally agree. In all real cases I know, one party was noticeably (as in, noticeable to outsiders) keener than the other about the relationship.

Why does either of them need to "chase?" There shouldn't be any need if both parties are upfront and communicate.