Men should do the chasing

That's how I navigated relationships in my teens and early 20s. Now I'm super direct and let the chips fall where they may.

I feel like you’ve been posting the same kinda thing over and over again for the past 2 months now. Possibly longer. But it always goes like this; met a guy, went for coffee, talked for hours and was certain it was mutual, suggested a second date and that’s where it ended and you’re fixated on this silly notion that you’ve somehow cursed the whole romance because you asked him out.

I may, of course, be wrong. And you’ll no doubt not say even if I’m not but, this game/chase shit that people go on about it exactly that; bullshit, A man that is legitimately interested in a woman will be happy for her to suggest meeting again. Joyous, even. In the scenario you describe he just wasn’t as keen on you as you’d convinced yourself he was. That’s just life.

If you are the same poster please consider speaking to a therapist of some sort. I say this with kindness, it’s really not healthy. And it won’t do you any favours in finding a bloke either. There is no magic formula; you’ll either find a good one and he’ll like you back for who you are, or you won’t. Any successes you’ll have (and I wish you many!) in this department won’t be because you ‘played it’ a certain way.

All the best.

A chase that isn’t mutual is criminal stalking…btw.

'Never accept a date for Saturday night after Wednesday'

[Vomits copiously and makes frantic V-signs]

Fuck off with this ridiculous shit.

I have to ask myself what crap is going on in my head that I even clicked on this thread. [Hides it]

I find it vile when friends post their ‘love story ‘ on fb on an anniversary, and it’s things like ‘he asked me out 5 times. I kept saying no but he persisted and finally agreed to go out with him’. Umm that’s gross respect someone’s boundaries if they say no it’s no. not a love story. I have another friend who is married to her boyfriend she had at 14 when he was 19. She would sneak out to see him. Her dad still to this day dislikes him and she got mad at me when I said I see her dads point, the relationship at that stage was inappropriate and I would feel the exact same.

Ok then. I took the no chase thing to also mean no playing hard to get, because if the flirting and dating goes on for awhile, that is the chase. A chase is mutual in that you give signs of encouragement….

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
So carry on as you are and see how you get on but if it’s not working it’s worth having a rethink and seeing what results other methods might get you.

What the actual fuck?

I don’t see it as dominant behaviour to chase me? I see myself as the dominant one. He can beg, crawl, do elaborate things to try and get my attention and I am the dominant one choosing him or choosing another man.

Well jumping in the sack within hours of meeting is less likely to result in a long term relationship. Nothing is a guarantee in life, how strange you would think that there were or that I was suggesting such a unicorn.

Agree.
It's not about being cold, blasé or standoffish.
It's about self respect and a positive attitude.
So be warm, keen and happy, but let him ask you for a second date.
Don't drop previous plans if he ask you out

And remember the rules:
Never accept a date for Saturday after Wednesday.

Sexual attraction is a funny thing. Women who want equality in every other area still feel sexually attracted to dominant men. When you’re talking about men “pursuing” what you’re describing is dominant and assertive behaviour. You only have to look at romance novels and movies etc to know that most women like it.

I agree OP, it’s grim. However when OLD I did end up playing the game a little bit. not because I wanted a man who would chase but because if you stepped forward, you ended up with men who were “meh, you’re ok for now… why not?” which was time and energy wasting when you’re looking for a relationship. not “chasing” them at the start tended to weed those men out. I definitely felt that the right person would be 50/50 though. I wasn’t expecting to be chased with flowers and declarations of love. Just regular, reciprocated communication and a suggestion we go on another date was enough. Once I was sure there was something there and they weren’t flakey, usually a few dates in, it would be equal.

I hear you OP and am a lot like you in that I think the traditional gender roles for courtship are total BS.

However, I think men chase women because women want to be sure a man is really interested and not just looking for a ONS.

A woman chasing a man, it’s ok, but she isn’t going to know if it’s a ONS or could lead to something more because most men are horn dogs and will take sex if it is on offer with no thought to consequences.

Some gender roles were developed to protect us, not oppress us.

I hate them phrase too. I'm not here to be chased if I don't show interest then f**k off. My experience of being chased is more like them trying to wear you down.

This is a good point. Due to dating apps and mobile phones contacting women has never been so easy. My mum was telling me that when she was in her twenties and living at home, if she met a guy out he would have to call her parents house phone in order to arrange a date. A guy would have to call several times to catch her at home and possibly have to speak to parents if they answered. You’re immediately going to weed out lukewarm types by being difficult to contact. Women these days waste so much time backwards and forwards messaging before they even get on a date.

This is pretty simple. If I'm seeing someone who 'likes the chase' and is only interested if a woman manipulates them into doing the running, I'm in the wrong situation. Who even wants a partner who thinks like that?

OK I will admit that in my current relationship, I am not asking dp to marry me. This is because I have a history of asking men to marry me at the wrong time for the wrong reasons (I've been married twice and proposed both times). Making the first move can be just as dysfunctional as not making the first move. It certainly didn't put the men off though, quite the opposite. And - see above - if it does, who cares?

I do wonder sometimes