Men should do the chasing

old fashioned but very true. Some things don’t change.

This is so old fashioned. There is no such thing as soul mates either!

to bond deeply, decent men need to feel they have earned it, they ll take what you give for free maybe for a while, but they won’t bond deeper, that’s why you rarely make it to soulmate level just by being nice

I don't think decent means what you think it means.

Love it.
Wish I'd had your advice in my twenties.
But like everything - you live and learn.
When I look back I see it's really not that complicated - but once again that's down to a lot of experience- Hollywood had a lot to answer for.
And you are right about the soul Mate level.
I am lucky enough to have that now and this love grows stronger as time goes on.

I m glad I made you all laugh 😁
(sick or saying I condone assault is a bit much, come on, i m just a different perspective)

But I stand by it:
women need to learn to observe and assess men during dates and courting rather than just be
women need to know how to say no firmly while staying connected (laugh all you want at the finger on the chest but it works like you sadly have no idea, because it’s a balance: you tell him “no, not ok” very clearly but by having a very brief physical contact to counteract, you also tell him he’s not rejected as a whole, just that behaviour)
to bond deeply, decent men need to feel they have earned it, they ll take what you give for free maybe for a while, but they won’t bond deeper, that’s why you rarely make it to soulmate level just by being nice
men fall for a woman in control of herself a minima, like a Clint Eastwood in heels (I give you this one for free to beat me with on this sunny Friday, you ladies enjoy 🤗 )

Why?

I feel a bit sick now.

I think you need to be wearing a 1940s pencil skirt for maximum wriggle and say 'you naughty man' when you do the tapping.

This is such tosh, I actually laughed.

The being unavailable thing is so that the other party knows you have your own life and that it belongs to you. Having a life of your own is attractive to both parties, surely. Also it goes back to basic psychology of wanting something and valuing something more if you have to try harder for it rather than something coming to you too easily. That's the premise of the rules. By making yourself too available and asking out on dates the fun and challenging part is taken away.

I've not come across this attitude since the 80s. Certainly my sons did not chase their partners.

@Beezknees

I don't agree. I'll often text my friends to suggest meeting up on the same day! If I was genuinely busy I wouldn't change my plans but I don't see how sitting at home for the sake of it just because you don't want to look too "available" is a healthy mindset. Again, it just seems like game playing to me.

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Friends maybe - but this thread I thought was about romantic partners , and especially in the early days when you are just getting to know each other

But if it works for you that's fine.
I have always ended up feeling crap when used/rejected/taken for granted.

I find that enthusiasm in a romantic partner very attractive, and once I reached my late twenties, was very efficiently able to eradicate the time wasters from my life.

This can put off men when you aren’t actually desperately keen anyway and they see it.
I feel dating etiquette was formalised, discussed and taught more in twentieth century America. There’s probably a greater folk memory of how it’s supposed to work.

I don't agree. I'll often text my friends to suggest meeting up on the same day! If I was genuinely busy I wouldn't change my plans but I don't see how sitting at home for the sake of it just because you don't want to look too "available" is a healthy mindset. Again, it just seems like game playing to me.

What does chasing someone look like?

I wouldn't persist with someone that didn't reciprocate personally

Everyone should have more important plans than going out with someone who hasn’t got their act together enough to ask in advance even if it’s organising your sock draw. If it’s someone new it’s just not a healthy precedent to set to agree to last minute dates.

Having healthy boundaries doesn't mean you have to pretend to be too busy to go on a date if you don't actually have plans. That's just weird.

Yes. Listen to this @Verucasalt123.
Decide what you want and move on if you don’t get it is a pretty good strategy. I moved on when I hadn’t had sex several months in.
It clearly gets more and more difficult the more entangled your lives and living arrangements, which is why you may want to set the pace.

@Beezknees

You might have to do this to maintain self respect, I certainly don't. I'm secure enough in myself that I don't need to play games.
__

But it's not playing games it having healthy boundaries and knowing what you want.

Relationship I have initiated have not worked out.

The ones who have been initiated by the men have.

I think women are more choosy whereas men sometimes take what's offered.

Wished I'd known then what I know now

Dating is tricky. Glad I'm out of it.

I don’t agree that there need to be any chasing. Interest yes. I spoke to him on the phone before meeting and them wanted to again. Met for a dog walk he was nice and kind. Gave him a hug at the end - he asked first - that was nice. I said I like you and he said I like you arranged to meet the following week. Etc I said on that date I really liked him and wanted to get to know him better - he said the same and had already left the app - I left the following day. He then said via text do you want to try to meet at least once a week outside of kids and family and then we just started booking stuff - a concert on Friday, lunch on Sunday following week etc

Man here,

Chasing is an absolute Joke, I hate it.
the amount of times you see on the dating apps "I will not message first" it just makes me think, "then why bother?" I can't be arsed with that, if you like me, i don't care if you double text and I shouldn't have to worry if you get "the ick" from me double texting you too, surely, if you like someone, you'd be more than happy to get more messages from them showing they're interested?

A relationship works both ways and I've seen a pattern, certainly with online dating that men should do all the work.

Lady, if those are the vibes you're giving off, then i'm not even going to try.

I think relationships work best when the man initiates and the woman responds in the early stages. That's not the same as chasing though. I personally find it to be more respectful to the woman if the man indicates his interest, and her response dictates the pace at which things do or do not progress.

I would also prefer a man to tell me when he is ready to take a relationship to the next level, whether that be in terms of exclusivity, sex, moving in, marriage, whatever. That doesn't mean I have to 'wait' for him - if I feel he's not moving fast enough, I'm free to move on. Again it's about initiation and response, not pursuit. A no should always be a no. Even sex (in the sense of PIV) is about the man initiating and the woman responding. I think it's just how men and women work best in a romantic context.

Once you're in an established relationship, it obviously has to be more equally balanced.

In my experience, the kind of man I work best with in a relationship will do these things. The times I have initiated, it has not worked out. The times a man has naturally been the kind of man to initiate and express his interest have been the most successful relationships.

@Verucasalt123
You sound quite disheartened and confused. I think it’s a matter of deciding what you want and what your best tactics might be and then sticking with them.