Page 6 | Do you “let” your kids speak to you like shit

Scootsville · 2024-05-08T10:30:00+00:00

DS has ADHD and probably ASD. Yes I’ve looked up PDA parenting strategies etc. He is 8, so wondering how much of this is down to age and how much to being ND. He is the eldest and currently finding his brother SO ANNOYING so it really feels like living with a hormonal teen. The way he speaks to us his parents. He doesn’t swear or call us names (yet) but the tone, the lack of manners, telling us how annoying we are. To his friends’ parents and people in shops/cafes etc he is very polite. He is pulled up every single time he speaks to us rudely or is unkind to his brother, he has screen bans left right and centre. I try and praise every little thing he does that isn’t a battle and offer to read or play a board game with him, but our relationship at the moment is rubbish with him being told off and given consequences 1000 a day. And I seriously worry about him developing a conduct disorder because of it, I know ND children are typically corrected much more than their peers as it is. But I don’t think the answer is to let him speak to us like shit?

aldpiahvge · 08/05/2024 12:09

Oh and just to say OP, if it gives any hope, I was in despair when he was 8, felt like I was going to have a really naughty teenager on my hands. But remember those with ADHD can mature 30% behind their peers, he's gotten a lot more emotionally intelligent (and much more empathetic) since the age of 10 and that has in turn helped with discipline and discussing consequences etc, it felt impossible at 8.

vivainsomnia · 08/05/2024 12:07

I definitely wouldn't let it go. I find it heartbreaking to hear as some kids, and worse young adults speak to their parents most likely because it's become normal habit and dynamics in the family.

I will pick him up on it every time but when calm, I would have a conversation with him to discuss his anger and frustration. There are a number of great books that helps parents having these conversations with their child.

Ignoring it excusing systematically is never a good strategy.

Balloonhearts · 08/05/2024 12:07

Er no. They value being able to sit down.

Plus they know if they aren't pleasant, courteous human beings they can get to fuck and they'll be walking there because they'd be getting no favours in the form of lifts, pocket money, phones etc.

One got a bit cocky at around ten but he was quickly convinced of the error of his ways once he realised I really didn't care about the impact on his social life.

Original poster

Scootsville · 08/05/2024 12:07

ArcticOwl · 08/05/2024 12:04

No. (also parent of kids who're asd/adhd

however, i don't choose to punish for it in any real sense. They get pulled up, every time, with a "We don't use that language" if its just general stuff. or a "What have we said about being nice to each other?" if they're being horrible to someone else.

If they swear at me they get the glare and "You do NOT speak to me like that?" to start with, now its more "And who the hell do you think you're speaking to like that? It had better not be me!"

In persistent times, i will give warnings about being sent to rooms, or having tablet removed for a short period of time.. usually start at 10 mins and add time for further infractions. But i never threaten punishment i won't carry out, and i often give opportunity for them to reduce it through good behaviour.

Interesting to hear from fellow ND children parents, thank you. How old are yours if you don’t mind me asking? DS definitely knows all the swears but at the moment I can’t imagine him daring to actually swear at us but that’s my worry for teen years!

I always used to give DS opportunity to earn things removed back with good behaviour but he is such a smart lad he knew he could be a little shit, lose his screens, be good for a while and gain them back.

OP posts:

aldpiahvge · 08/05/2024 12:06

My youngest (also ADHD) has tried it a couple of times but hasn't since put it that way. The thing I have started letting go of a bit is the stomping up stairs and slamming the door, not something I'd accept from my eldest, but I understand the impulsive frustration is something that ADHD can trigger so do tend to let that slide, but will never let disrespecting a person slide.

ArrrMeHearties · 08/05/2024 12:05

@Scootsville I could of wrote this post myself. DS is 9 next month and talks to me and DH like shit. He also has asd and ADHD. I let more slide than DH does but ds can be quite a handful at times. He doesn't have his ps5 every day I try give him some time off it so it's not all consuming

Original poster

Scootsville · 08/05/2024 12:04

morechaimama · 08/05/2024 12:02

My 9 year old is like this, some of it definitely comes from screen use where they are all very blunt with each other - I've had to talk to my kids about that not being appropriate in real life because it sounds so rude, even when it isn't meant to be.

I put up with a lot of it but pull them up when I feel like a boundary has been crossed, usually through them saying the same thing repeatedly or escalating the unpleasant tone or words/phrases. And then I'm zero tolerance and explain why.

My DS does play games but not online with friends or anything, so much of the way he talks is influenced by friends or tv etc though. He says “dumb” a lot which drives DH nuts and he went through a phase of calling his brother “moron”‘which I did come down hard on. Gross language!

Thank you. I am always talking about in public and not in public etc as I get that as an ND child it won’t come as naturally to him as for some and I need to spell out what isn’t appropriate in public.

OP posts:

ArcticOwl · 08/05/2024 12:04

No. (also parent of kids who're asd/adhd

however, i don't choose to punish for it in any real sense. They get pulled up, every time, with a "We don't use that language" if its just general stuff. or a "What have we said about being nice to each other?" if they're being horrible to someone else.

If they swear at me they get the glare and "You do NOT speak to me like that?" to start with, now its more "And who the hell do you think you're speaking to like that? It had better not be me!"

In persistent times, i will give warnings about being sent to rooms, or having tablet removed for a short period of time.. usually start at 10 mins and add time for further infractions. But i never threaten punishment i won't carry out, and i often give opportunity for them to reduce it through good behaviour.

SometimesIDowonder · 08/05/2024 12:03

Not so far but mine's only 5. I don't stop him saying anything you can't. I say if you say x to me do you think I'll want to do y for you.

I'm hoping that will work to some degree with a teenager that if you're rude to me don't expect us to do you any favours.

Original poster

Scootsville · 08/05/2024 12:02

Sugarcoatedalmonds · 08/05/2024 11:39

I think thats common with kids tbh, I would pick your battles (especially if he's polite out and about).

It’s so challenging knowing what’s common for kids generally and for ND kids, and what the best way to parent is too. I don’t feel cut out for it!

OP posts:

morechaimama · 08/05/2024 12:02

My 9 year old is like this, some of it definitely comes from screen use where they are all very blunt with each other - I've had to talk to my kids about that not being appropriate in real life because it sounds so rude, even when it isn't meant to be.

I put up with a lot of it but pull them up when I feel like a boundary has been crossed, usually through them saying the same thing repeatedly or escalating the unpleasant tone or words/phrases. And then I'm zero tolerance and explain why.

Original poster

Scootsville · 08/05/2024 12:01

nutbrownhare15 · 08/05/2024 11:57

I don't 'let' my children speak disrespectfully to me in that I will say things like 'please don't speak to me that way, I am doing my best' or 'did you meant to say INSERT POLITER PHRASE HERE?' or 'please be kinder to mummy'. But I don't tell them off beyond that or do consequences. So I don't think you need to let it all go, but maybe if you are worried that the impact of the consequences will be negative, you try not imposing them for a while. The book How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen is really great and explains why punishment consequences aren't needed. There is also a chapter on neuro diverse children I think.

Edited

Thank you, I have read that, perhaps I need to re-read. Also read lots of books on parenting ND children, some helpful some not!

That’s useful advice though. Not letting it go completely but maybe just not big huge reactions every time. Thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

Scootsville · 08/05/2024 12:00

Josette77 · 08/05/2024 11:35

Honestly I would let a lot of it go.

Unless it is blatantly inappropriate, I'd probably let the eye rolling go and maybe even make light hearted comments.

Focus more on the positive and see if his behaviour changes. He's allowed to annoyed and he's only 8. If you pul him up every time he's irritated it's going to be a cycle of you being angry and him feeling picked on and angry and on and on.

That’s exactly it, a cycle. I find it hard to draw the line of blatantly inappropriate, but that’s useful and I can have a think about what is and isn’t.

OP posts:

nutbrownhare15 · 08/05/2024 11:57

I don't 'let' my children speak disrespectfully to me in that I will say things like 'please don't speak to me that way, I am doing my best' or 'did you meant to say INSERT POLITER PHRASE HERE?' or 'please be kinder to mummy'. But I don't tell them off beyond that or do consequences. So I don't think you need to let it all go, but maybe if you are worried that the impact of the consequences will be negative, you try not imposing them for a while. The book How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen is really great and explains why punishment consequences aren't needed. There is also a chapter on neuro diverse children I think.

Sugarcoatedalmonds · 08/05/2024 11:39

I think thats common with kids tbh, I would pick your battles (especially if he's polite out and about).

Josette77 · 08/05/2024 11:35

Honestly I would let a lot of it go.

Unless it is blatantly inappropriate, I'd probably let the eye rolling go and maybe even make light hearted comments.

Focus more on the positive and see if his behaviour changes. He's allowed to annoyed and he's only 8. If you pul him up every time he's irritated it's going to be a cycle of you being angry and him feeling picked on and angry and on and on.