To consider leaving DP?

It sounds like he just wants to get onto the housing ladder and can't do it on his income alone. Am I right in guessing he doesn't earn enough to purchase a property on his own?

This! Not living together after 7 years and you were just babies when you met really. Move on, it doesn't sound as though he is at all invested in you and you can do better.

End it now, op. It's already over. You've wasted enough time on someone who doesn't even share your most basic wants.

If you want marriage hold out for marriage.

Never understood the mumsnet obsession of living with men their not married to.

At 30 you don't need to compromise.

You can love someone and it still not be the right relationship.

This has complex written all over it:

• he is stringing you along for a maybe.
• not moving forward is your strongest negotiating position. Close to impossible once you've moved in and are more enmeshed and your kid has binded with him.
• your friends are naive. Search mumsnet for threads like "won't marry me" "didn't get married.
• if you buy a house and have a baby, how long before he complains about working all day to putt a roof over you and your childs head?

Basically you are in your strongest negotiating position and he isn't keen. Yu can drag a horse to water, you can't make it drink. You also can't make it enthusiastic to build a life with you. He is his own priority.

I think it’s perfectly ok to be deal breakers.

However, I think it’s perfectly ok for him to not want those things. I don’t and I can honestly say I would rather dp left than tried to give me ultimatums.

If he tried to end it on hope I backed down I would finish it myself.

I am secure enough to walk away. The worst thing to happen would be that the person agrees to marry and/or have a child when they don’t want it. That’s the making of a miserable life/

Wow, no.

Honestly it mostly sounds as if he wants the leg up of buying a house with someone!

Both marriage and children are far too big to compromise on.

also - one without the other? Um, no. Don’t have a baby without marriage unless you’re the one with the assets. Babies impact on women’s careers and earning power much more than men’s. Never have a baby without the security of marriage.

I wouldn't give him an ultimatum around children as I don't think it's right for someone to have a child to keep a relationship, rather than wanting the child for the child's own sake if that makes sense.

I think you need to work out your own motivations here. You say you could probably settle for marriage or a baby. Why? If the two things are really important to you I don't know why you would say either / or, especially when you don't particularly need marriage if you're not planning to have a baby

Why are you so sure you want marriage and babies with someone that you haven't even lived with, or bought a house with? I don't think you can ever truly know someone and know how compatible you are without sharing a house.

How old is your current child and how do they fit into all of this? You've said you want this but implied it's because it's what your friends are doing- is a parent getting married and a sibling with the age gap that you have, the best thing for your child? Do they want to live with him?

If you are doing this for all the right reasons then yes it's perfectly valid to leave someone because they don't have the same life goals as you.

I walked away from a long term relationship at 29 for similar reasons. It felt huge and scary. Once I did a lot of people told me their stories of starting again at 30 which helped. I now have a lovely life with a fab partner and 3 children. Go for it, you only live once.

buy a house together only when you are really sure. You are not really sure.
Worse, you want a baby. (I have thoughts about that that aren't relevant here)

Only you can decide if he is worth giving up what you want (marriage and baby)
But i always say: if you are not convinced then don't do it

Everything about your post screams “settling”. He is entitled to feel the way he feels and it’s clear you want different things and the “maybe he’ll change his mind” is just bread crumbing and gaslighting. You’ve been together seven years so you were a youngish mum and I can promise you someone was looking at you then and feeling the way you are now seeing people get married etc. Try not to measure your worth against others.

I’d be cautious combining finances and future with a man that seems to not want a family life.

Your needs are important. If you want a family and marriage then you will end up resenting him. Theses things are not guaranteed at all even without him but you will be more likely to find them without him. If it was your best friend in your position what advice would you give her? Follow that advice for yourself!

You shouldn’t be looking at buying a house with a man you haven’t even lived with yet. Especially as you have a child. You don’t know if this man will cope well living with a child especially as he doesn’t even want his own.

It is not going to work if you both want different things. I agree with PP, cut your losses now. Sorry but he does not want you enough.

Slowly, this may morph into resentment as your fertile years pass.
Think carefully

These would be deal breakers for me OP. It's ok to say that they are for you too. And definitely don't count on him changing his mind!

Tricky one and I’m sure someone will come along with better advise than I can give. However I wouldn’t buy a house with someone you’ve never lived with. Seems very high risk and I would recommend renting somewhere first to check you’re comparable.

Don't waste your fertility on this man.

Give him an ultimatum that you marry within the year or you're off.

And definitely don't buy a house with him.