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Original poster

Was this a form of domestic abuse?

39 replies

user666555 · 08/05/2024 09:38

*Please can I have no outright rude/disrespectful comments on this post. It's a sensitive one.

Hello,

So just for some background I'm from a south Asian background and upon getting married to my DH I moved in with him and his family. (This is quite normal in our culture). We didn't have an arranged marriage. We found each other, fell for each other then decided to get married.

Fast forward, after marrying him, I started to realise things were a bit off with his family. I decided not to dwell on the negatives but as time went on things got worse and now that I look back I'm sure it was a form of domestic abuse. But I find it crazy to think that this could happen to me because I was brain washed into thinking that it's all a part of our culture and this is just how things are.

  1. His dad made me change my Whatsapp settings so that he can see when I'm last online and he made me turn on my read receipts so the ticks turn blue when I've read a message. Prior to this my WA settings were so no one could tell when I'm online or read a message as sometimes I tend to reply to messages a little later.
  1. His mum would tell me what I can and can't wear
  1. I fell at work and had a minor fracture on my ankle. Went to the hospital etc. His family refused to believe that this happened and said I was lying and that I had to start doing housework etc as normal.
  1. My DP's Nan passed away and I had kidney stones around a month later. In the Asian culture when someone passes away friends and family visit regularly to pay their respect. During the whole month I was serving these guests but towards the end I had awful backache. One of the days was on the day they held weekly prayers for my DP's Nan but I was in excruciating pain. I needed to go to hospital (didn't know it was kidney stones at this point) my FIL told me I can't go because of what people will think and I later found out my MIL was telling people I faked the kidney stones. I helped throughout the month. Just at the end I felt unwell. I later found out that I also miscarried during this time.
  1. A few weeks after the kidney stone incident my FIL told me to come downstairs. He told me to switch off my phone and told me to get a pen and paper. He then told me to write 'what makes a good daughter in law' and 'what makes a bad daughter in law' and read it out. He then told me to tell him which of these traits I have and which ones I lack. He said being 'unwell' 'all the time' isn't what makes a good DIL and that they're not going to provide sympathy for me. He said I needed to be more resilient and get on with it.
  1. My FIL asked me if I could put their mortgage on my name as his credit and my MIL's credit isn't great. I said no and he was angry and upset and said I didn't consider them my own family.
  1. I'd have to spend 6/7 days cooking or cleaning. If I didn't everyone would start giving me dirty looks and start being passive aggressive (except for DP).
  1. My MIL would always say I have to do certain things (like be home when my FIL's friends are coming over) as it looks bad if I'm not there to serve them.
  1. When I was pregnant with my DD I developed tachycardia during my pregnancy. My husband would say to my MIL and FIL that I need to take it easy and my MIL would ignore that. She didn't want to accept that there could be anything wrong with me. She'd say I need to keep active so I labour well later.

  1. When I was pregnant my MIL would smoke in the car. It felt like a power trip because I couldn't say anything as it was her car.

  2. My PILs would expect me to cook and clean during pregnancy for their guests.

  3. My MIL would get her daughters to snoop in our room when we weren't home.

  4. My SIL's and MIL would listen to mine and DP conversations outside our room.

  5. My PIL would feel like they can tell me when I can go and see my family. I never listened anyway and this would cause tension. I'd see them for around a week every 3/4 months. Not sure why that's an issue.

  6. My MIL made my whole pregnancy about her. She'd go on about how she's unwell and she needs attention and she can't do anything anymore as she'll be grandma and should leave my baby with her and take over the whole house's responsibility.

  7. They'd try to control my finances

DH and I have now moved out. They've gone NC with me because I went to see my family a few weeks ago and didn't go there and take my DD to say bye. I'm sad that I tried to hard to please them and I feel angry at myself for putting up with the above but I honestly thought some of it was what was expected of a DIL.

There's a lot more. But this was domestic abuse wasn't it? I think I need to accept it properly for what it was.

OP posts:
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Original poster
user666555 · 23/09/2024 09:39

Bump

OP posts:
Original poster
user666555 · 23/09/2024 00:11

Hello,

I'm revisiting this thread for some further advice. I've decided I'd like to engage in counselling sessions to help heal my feelings from what I went through.

I feel really anxious about doing this. I worry about it being a stain on my medical records that I went through this, I worry it'll be used against me in regards to my daughter even though her wellbeing has been my priority in all of this. I worry people will think I'm weak. I worry that the information may be passed on (to my work - as the quickest and most efficient way for me to get counselling is through my work).

But I really do want to heal from this all.

OP posts:
Original poster
user666555 · 26/05/2024 18:55

Thank you for all of your responses.

I've stood my ground and haven't entertained them, I don't feel as though it's genuine.

However, mentally I feel like I still sometimes feel guilty or that maybe I'm overreacting (that's what I used to be told when I lived there) and that it's mean of me.

I know logically they don't deserve contact but I'm still feeling guilty

OP posts:
Allofaflutter · 24/05/2024 11:18

I amend my answer, I think you need to say to PIL AND SIL two words second one off. I would get dh to start telling his other relatives about how badly they treat you all. So they can gossip at the wedding to other family members and really embarrass your PIL. They deserve it. A few fb posts should do it.

Iaskedyouthrice · 23/05/2024 23:24

Do NOT get involved with them again. It will be more wasted years of abuse and shit thrown your way. They have controlled your DH his whole life, then you. Do you think these habits of a lifetime go away after a few months?
This is who they are. Protect yourself and your daughter. You would be insane to step foot in their house again. I wouldn't be going to the wedding either. Ask your DH, does he want them to mess up your dd like they have done him and you? Because they will ramp it up with all three of you. You are out of it. Stay out.

sheoaouhra · 23/05/2024 22:45

They sound awful, well done for getting yourself out of there, and not letting them use your credit for the mortgage

Nicole1111 · 23/05/2024 22:42

You’re not being bitter. They don’t sound like they have accepted they were in the wrong or like they truly want to change or make amends with you. It sounds very much like they want to save face at the wedding.

Original poster
user666555 · 23/05/2024 21:29

Sorry I forgot to provide context, so...

DP went to their house to pick something up. His family were sat in the front room. His dad said that he feels upset that he doesn't have a relationship with his GD. DP said he should ask himself why. DP said he didn't want to because in the past he's always dismissed what he has to say or told him to grow up and not play victim. His dad then said convince me as to what I've done wrong (something along those lines). So DP went on to explain reasons behind why they don't really have a relationship with us.

Eventually his dad got annoyed/angry and walked out of the room crying saying 'don't you think it hurts me that I have no relationship with my granddaughter' and went upstairs.

DP's mum then started speaking and saying that DP is misunderstanding his dad and perhaps there's a language barrier (DP mainly speaks English whereas his dad speaks his native language) however, this isn't the case as although DP doesn't speak the native language fluently, he does understand it. She then said that whatever they do is for DP's best interest. DP went on to say he felt I was treated like a servant etc but his mum doesn't really want to acknowledge that. Anyways, he continued to talk about how things they did upset us. She then said to him she's sorry if their actions have upset us (didn't apologise to me and still isn't talking to me). She said to bring myself and DD over for food.

In my opinion if she was truly sorry she would take full accountability and say that she is aware her actions as well as those of her husband have caused hurt and that they'd like to put it right. Instead she denied half of what DP said and then just said sorry as there was nothing else she could say. If she was really sorry shouldn't she have apologised to me? Why should I go to her house for her to apologise to me? She should come over to me and speak to me about it.

She also mentioned how my SIL's wedding is coming up and it doesn't look nice to people that her brother isn't actively involved. She said it also doesn't look nice when guests come over and we're not there. Tbh I think the main reasoning behind them wanting to make amends is because my SIL's getting married and they need our help and also it'll look bad to their relatives if we're not there. DD is almost 6 months and I've only really gone NC with them for about 6ish weeks and even prior to going NC they weren't phased about being involved in her life on a deeper level as grandparents.

My SIL messaged me a day later asking
About DD and then went on to say that her wedding isn't far and that she wants me and my DP to be there. I didn't answer this part of the message as I don't really feel like I'd want to after everything. I changed the subject to DD starting nursery and SIL swiftly lost interest in the conversation before no longer replying which solidifies my theory that they're trying to make amends for SIL's wedding due to what people will think and due to needing help.

Am I just being bitter about what they've done or do I have a point?

OP posts:
Allofaflutter · 23/05/2024 21:26

Two words and the last one is off.

MissUltraViolet · 23/05/2024 21:17

The way they treated you was disgusting. I personally would not want those kinds of attitude/behaviours around my child so no you are not being unreasonable.

loropianalover · 23/05/2024 21:16

Hi again OP, hope you are doing well.

I think you are right to be skeptical. I do believe that people can change, yes, but whether you can rebuild the broken trust is different. They want to make amends - do they understand what they’ve done wrong, and what behaviour was unacceptable? Have they confronted themselves about why they behaved this way, what new ways do they want to practice?

It sounds like your in-laws might have grown up in a culture where some of this stuff was acceptable. Maybe they were treated badly by their in-laws themselves. Maybe they didn’t realise until too late what damage they were doing. It doesn’t excuse it, and maybe they can learn and grow. But why should you have to carry the burden of wondering if you can fully trust them? Especially with your children.

It seems a bit soon (in my opinion) to start rebuilding relationships. What does your DH think? You might benefit from sitting down and making a list of unacceptable behaviours, pushed boundaries, what you didn’t like, what feelings came up in that house. I would recommend a few sessions with a counselor maybe, to wrap your head around what you’re both feeling and try to come to a conclusion about what you want to do/not do.

Nicole1111 · 23/05/2024 21:08

The first step to changing is to recognising you need to and taking responsibility. What else was said in the conversation? Any indicators of them doing that?

Original poster
user666555 · 23/05/2024 21:00

Thought I'd revisit this thread for some advice.

So DP's family have been in contact with him saying they'd like a relationship with their GD and that they want to make amends.

I can't lie I'm extremely skeptical of this due to their track record and how they've been.

Do people like this have the scope to change? Am I being unreasonable in not entertaining them?

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Mayflower282 · 08/05/2024 17:59

Yes. 100% abuse. Please contact some local charities that specialise in helping women escape abusive households 🙏

Original poster
user666555 · 08/05/2024 17:51

@MedievalNun I would consider counselling. Not sure where to start but I think I'd benefit from it.

We've deep cleaned everything when we moved. Checked everything over to ensure this isn't the case. Even he's suspected this before

OP posts:
Original poster
user666555 · 08/05/2024 17:49

@Resilience thank you for taking the time out to give such a detailed response.

I'm mindful of whether he minimises their behaviour. At the start that was exactly what he did. But upon speaking to other people outside of his immediate family he began to realise that a lot of what his family do or tell him is wrong. He had to unlearn what they've told him (they come first, he should put them before his wife, women just brainwash you etc). He's very aware of the fact that if I believe that he is singing to their tune I'll be gone. I was stupid enough to stay in that house with them for just over two years thinking that I'd win them over but I'm definitely not going to put my daughter through anything like that. If I was to suspect anything odd about him, I'd call it a day. I'd rather be separated and be happy as opposed to be together and have a hostile and unhealthy environment for our daughter and he is very aware of this.

With that being said, I do believe that he truly acknowledges that their behaviour is wrong and he is putting his own family first (our daughter and me). Ironically his mum called the other day to 'host a meal for us' even though they're not talking to me. She then said it's for another relative too. They're going to be there too. After doing some digging he found out his dad's friends are coming over and his mum is probably just calling us over so that I can slave away like I've always done. He put his foot down and told her we're not coming and that she doesn't even speak to me so why would I go over?

He definitely needs therapy too, he's realised his whole childhood is a lie. He's been controlled and belittled. Almost decision of his has been controlled by them. He's cried about it many times. Sad really

OP posts:
Resilience · 08/05/2024 15:52

💐@user666555

Yes,100% this was domestic abuse (I'm a former police officer fwiw).

You should be so proud of yourself for leaving. What huge strength of character that shows! I'm so, so pleased that your husband has backed you up on this. However, be careful to watch this. It's not my intention to scare you but I'd like you to be 100% sure he's left and come with you because he recognises how awful his parents are and wants to support you and not because he has some misguided notion of honour that means he won't let you 'run off' without him. Be alert for him minimising his parents' behaviour. He's had a lifetime of it and may process things on a very different timescale which could hinder your own recovery.

It may help to have someone independent to talk to. There are various organisations out there who can offer advice. It doesn't have to progress to counselling unless you want it to.

Do you have your own family or friends for support?

It's natural to be fearful of counselling. Many people are scared it will force them to confront issues that are too painful or not ready to face. A good counsellor will set the pace guided by you and not push you too far too soon.

Good luck for the future!

MedievalNun · 08/05/2024 15:39

Ohh you poor love.

Re: knowing where you live without being told - get someone to check there (a) isn't an airtag in the car and (b) make sure your phones aren't set to share location with them, not just generally but in Whatsapp etc.

Would you consider counselling? It sounds like DH could do with some too.

Sending a hug xx

Original poster
user666555 · 08/05/2024 15:32

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing it was awful.

I definitely feel like I need therapy but I don't know where to start.

OP posts:
Original poster
user666555 · 08/05/2024 15:31

@Nicole1111 thank you for this diagram. Can definitely relate to a lot of the behaviours listed on there.

I'd like to start therapy but I'm scared. I don't know what I'm scared of but I just feel anxious about it

OP posts:
MaltipooMama · 08/05/2024 13:53

This sounds absolutely horrific. So glad you're out of that god awful environment and hopefully enjoying a normal family life now!

Nicole1111 · 08/05/2024 13:13

Yes it was abuse. This image is helpful in understanding abuse. I’d recommend engaging in therapy and self esteem work as a starting point to overcoming this. The book overcoming low self esteem is a great place to start.

Was this a form of domestic abuse?
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/05/2024 12:07

They sound absolutely awful OP, and unhinged.

Its definitely abuse, and you need to be able to access counselling to het through these feelings it’s naturally left you with

Original poster
user666555 · 08/05/2024 10:51

@loropianalover thank you. I feel like it's changed me as a person. I feel like it's also changed our marriage. I feel a lot of anger inside me and I feel really hurt. I feel like it's changed me as a person. I feel paranoid.

After I had my baby, a had a small glimmer of hope thinking that maybe they'd change. I had a c-section and struggled with recovery. They said they wanted to see her and I couldn't get up properly to go and let them in from outside (where we stayed previously had a fob system and the intercom wasn't working so I had to go out and let them in which meant I'd have to wrap DD up and go out in December whilst in a lot of pain from c-section). I had a spare fob/key and I said they can use it on the days they come to 'help' or see her.

A few days after I gave them the fob, I was having a nap whilst my DD slept. I then got woken up by them standing in front of me because I didn't answer my phone so they thought they'd come and see what happened. It could've been out a place of care as I just had a baby but personally I wouldn't walk into someone's house without their consent. I'd also put two and two together and think she's on strong painkillers with a newborn she's probably having a nap.

It also happened that they happened to turn up with I had a midwife/HV check up after having DD and instead of leaving and giving us privacy, they stood in the doorway and listened to the conversation. The midwife wrote that she felt my in laws were somewhat controlling and that she felt that I didn't feel comfortable talking around them. (I saw this on my notes on the NHS app).

Anyways, there was this other instance where my DP's cousin was getting married and his mum wanted us to go together. DP didn't want to go with them so lied and said we're going to see one of my relatives beforehand (the wedding was in Birmingham). I believe they knew DP was lying and followed us onto the motorway to then have my SIL send a picture of the back of our car and say I thought you went to see your relatives in Birmingham. Could've said you didn't want to take us because we said we were already there and heading to the wedding venue. The point is they would've had to follow our car to check if we were leaving from where we live because they wouldn't have saw our car on the motorway unless they followed us

When we then moved to our place now when my MIL asked me where we moved to, I told her a generic idea of where it was. The day we moved and they decided to come and see the place, they knew exactly where it was without me or DP giving them the address. Again, I feel as though she went to check the place out a few days before when we told her we were moving

The point I'm trying to make is I feel paranoid and angry.

I do feel like I could probably benefit from therapy but I'm scared

OP posts:
Youcannotbeseriousreally · 08/05/2024 10:45

Fuck. That. OP I applaud you for recognising and getting yourself out of that. I wish you the very best for your future.

This kind of family and ‘culture’ is outdated and bloody dangerous.