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AIBU?

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Original poster

Toxic SIL and pending visit

108 replies

rainingcatsandogs · 08/05/2024 09:08

DH has half term week off. I am working as will need to take extra leave to cover the school summer holidays.

DH has announced that he is going to drive up to see his family with DD. Last night DH asked if I could WFH at his parents' house as I usually WFH. I've said no.

We were last there at Christmas. After Christmas, I decided to go no contact with SIL after numerous remarks were made. These were not a one off. She's been making them for years at me and I've simply had enough and have decided to I don't want to be around her anymore than I have to. She's also planted seeds in DD's head about her being her real mum and at Christmas DD parroted back that it might be better if I didn't go up to see them all.

Last night I told DH that I did not want DD to be left at SILs house unsupervised and she was not to be left there for a sleepover. I don't trust SIL and I can just hear her saying stuff to DD to paint me as some kind of bad person.

I know this could be avoided if I was to go. but over the years I've put up with so much from them - telling me they were sad DD looked like me, how I looked like a corpse on a night out and passed the phone with my picture around the table. They say I don't understand their humour. I find it rude and I no longer want to put myself through a visit.

I know a sleepover is likely to happen as they won't listen to me and DH gets brainwashed whilst he's there and regresses. AIBU to not to go or should I be going to protect DD from more toxic SIL comments?

OP posts:
PenelopeTitsdrop1990 · 08/05/2024 17:42

If I was you,I'd let OH visit his family on his own. No way would I let my child go there without me. OH can't be trusted.

morellamalessdrama · 08/05/2024 17:26

rainingcatsandogs · 08/05/2024 17:18

Just for context DH has said he knows SIL has mental problems, but in the next breath is saying I need to understand that she doesn’t always know what she’s saying. Basically giving her the green light to be rude because she has mental health problems!

If the SIL is so deluded or unwell that she doesn't understand what she's saying to a child then surely she's not well enough to look after one overnight?

Your DH can't have it both ways.

Either she's lucid and being spiteful on purpose or she's seriously unwell. Either way I'd not be letting my daughter stay with her.

DoreenonTill8 · 08/05/2024 17:21

GirlOfThe70s · 08/05/2024 11:42

So if SIL is saying she is the real mum, who is the dad? Your husband - i.e. her BROTHER?

Emmmm yes, and dh and his family aren't saying this is madness?!!
Terrifyingly bizarre!

Nanny0gg · 08/05/2024 17:18

rainingcatsandogs · 08/05/2024 09:19

6

Show quote history

You have a massive DH problem.

Original poster
rainingcatsandogs · 08/05/2024 17:18

Just for context DH has said he knows SIL has mental problems, but in the next breath is saying I need to understand that she doesn’t always know what she’s saying. Basically giving her the green light to be rude because she has mental health problems!

OP posts:
Original poster
rainingcatsandogs · 08/05/2024 17:16

Justsomethoughts · 08/05/2024 16:30

OP - Don’t let your DD go. Your DH doesn’t seem to be able to see that this behaviour is bizarre so how realistic is it that he is going to stop it in real time?

You have no obligation for your DD to have a relationship with your SIL. She sounds absolutely nuts - anyone with sense knows you don’t joke about such serious things with young children who take what adults say at face value.

What are your PIL like? I bet there is a strange dynamic there.

PIL are fine. MIL knows there’s an issue with myself and SIL and puts it down to neither of us knowing how to communicate with the other! However, MIL is very much the matriarch and she will likely say there’s no issue with DD going to SILs house.

OP posts:
Catopia · 08/05/2024 16:40

I remember your mother's day post as well... If DH does not recognise how toxic it is, I would not allow DD to go with just him for supervision - which leaves either you going too or neither of you going. If you do go, I don't think you can be working, because you need to supervise what this woman says around your DD if DH isn't going to do it. I can understand that you might not want to burn your annual leave on this situation though.

They may well think it's funny, but they need to understand that DD may not understand their humour in that sort of context, and that it's potentially very confusing and unsettling for her.

Justsomethoughts · 08/05/2024 16:30

OP - Don’t let your DD go. Your DH doesn’t seem to be able to see that this behaviour is bizarre so how realistic is it that he is going to stop it in real time?

You have no obligation for your DD to have a relationship with your SIL. She sounds absolutely nuts - anyone with sense knows you don’t joke about such serious things with young children who take what adults say at face value.

What are your PIL like? I bet there is a strange dynamic there.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 08/05/2024 13:23

This has got to be the most fucked up thread ive read on mums net - and ive read loads. Get yourself and your DD away from this fucking insane SIL of yours.

ButtonMoonLoon · 08/05/2024 13:16

For goodness sake do not let your daughter go.
It’s all very well you avoiding contact with her but I’d also be avoiding this for your daughter too. The brainwashing of her has already started from the sound of things.

BananaSpanner · 08/05/2024 13:11

It will be along the lines of a second mum rather than an incest situation. A light hearted comment that was probably confusing for a 6year old rather than a genuine attempt to convince child that her aunt was her mother.

Nicole1111 · 08/05/2024 13:05

It’s not unreasonable for you to set a boundary for yourself but why aren’t you setting a boundary with your husband if you don’t think he will protect your dd?

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 08/05/2024 13:01

So basically she's trying to say she had sex with her brother and your DD is a product of incest?

Well.... if that's not fucked up I don't know what is.

I'd ban all contact with the crazy bitch.

VanilleFraise · 08/05/2024 12:49

GirlOfThe70s · 08/05/2024 11:42

So if SIL is saying she is the real mum, who is the dad? Your husband - i.e. her BROTHER?

This ^

FloofyBear · 08/05/2024 12:00

Bloody hell, she sounds crazy - who pretends to be their mum - is she 10 years old ffs playing family 😵‍💫

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 08/05/2024 12:00

@rainingcatsandogs would your DD do what you ask if you said that she had to refuse to stay at sil house?? to be honest, your dh needs to man up and see his sister for the fruitcake she is!

GirlOfThe70s · 08/05/2024 11:42

So if SIL is saying she is the real mum, who is the dad? Your husband - i.e. her BROTHER?

Yellowpingu · 08/05/2024 11:04

I can understand you wanting to keep your distance from SIL but I as your DH has taken time off for childcare and he’s planning on taking DD to her grandparents for this then I would absolutely go with them and WFH so you can quickly shut down any crap.

Original poster
rainingcatsandogs · 08/05/2024 10:42

IhateSPSS · 08/05/2024 10:18

So has your SIL said/alluded to the fact that she is your DD's second mum, as in 'You are always here having a sleepover, I'm like your second Mum!' or has she actually put forward the notion that she might actually be DD's 'real mum' - there is a lot of difference in the semantics of 'real mum' and 'second mum'.

Either way, your poor DD seems very confused and I agree with the pp who said this is your DH's call to sort this out and clear up this confusion!

Knowing my SIL it would have been out over as real. It came out after DD went to visit in school holidays without DH or me.

OP posts:
Caroparo52 · 08/05/2024 10:34

coconutpie · 08/05/2024 09:39

This is one of those occasions where you can overrule DH. Absolutely no fucking way should DD be going with him if SIL is going to be there if you cannot trust that your DH will protect her. You have said that he gets brainwashed by them so will just let this shit happen. So I would be telling DH that no, DD will not be going. This is a hill to die on. You need to protect your DD. SIL sounds dangerous.

This

IhateSPSS · 08/05/2024 10:18

So has your SIL said/alluded to the fact that she is your DD's second mum, as in 'You are always here having a sleepover, I'm like your second Mum!' or has she actually put forward the notion that she might actually be DD's 'real mum' - there is a lot of difference in the semantics of 'real mum' and 'second mum'.

Either way, your poor DD seems very confused and I agree with the pp who said this is your DH's call to sort this out and clear up this confusion!

Foggymcfogson · 08/05/2024 10:12

Tell dh when his dsis has sought help for her mh issues dd can be around her. Faking being her dm is damaging to your dd.
Incidentally when I gained access to my bc(at 27!) I was quite surprised my dm was on there. As my aunt had made similar 'jokes' about her being my real dm..
Wasn't appropriate back then or now. Dh needs a shake.

unbelieveable22 · 08/05/2024 10:07

I would not go and I wouldn't allow my daughter to go either.
Time to draw a line in the sand and set some boundaries. Time to protect your daughter from such horrible people.
Does your SIL have children of her own?

Brefugee · 08/05/2024 10:06

rainingcatsandogs · 08/05/2024 09:19

Yes. Mothers Day she asked if SIL was her real mum or 2nd mum as she has told her this. She was very confused by it. DH didn't see this as being an issue and thought I was being overdramatic about it and it was an off the cuff remark. SIL can do no wrong at times and I'm the bad guy for getting upset or getting angry over things that have come out of her mouth.

then your DH is going to have to handle ALL the fallout from this.

Remind him what your SIL has said about you. Remind him what happened on Mother's day. Tell him to repeat it back to you, exactly how you told him. And then tell him that if there is ANY nonsense like this in future, your DD will not be going there at all unless he guarantees that she is never alone with SIL. Not for a second.

Usually i'd say: they're her family too. But i also say that they don't get to badmouth you in front of her without him putting an immediate stop to it. And if he won't then you will make sure that SIL hears it from you in front of the entire family. And then you will divorce him.

SharpLily · 08/05/2024 10:01

"She's also planted seeds in DD's head about her being her real mum"

What? And again, what???

She sounds deranged. I'd keep your daughter well away from her.